I had a lovely client come to me recently for guidance. She was in so much pain, it was radiating out of her like heat from a fever. While she felt like she would never feel better, I assured her she would. She looked at me like I was nuts and commented that she longed to be as calm as I was. I told her she had taken the first step on her path to bringing calm and serenity back into her life and that she too would one day feel the peace I feel.

My story is no different than hundreds of others who have gone before me. Amazing people with stories of heartache, destruction, abuse, despair. Somehow, by the Grace of God, I have healed. I have survived. And now, I am on a path of thriving as I help others to find their way as well.

Like many teenagers, I felt I was invincible, powerful and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. Working my way through college, I graduated with honors and set out to explore the world, eager to taste all the treasures and treats that lay before me. I found myself in San Francisco, and fell madly in love with a man whom I can only say I thought was a genius. I was swept off my feet, and nine months later we were married.

Shortly after that, my fairytale romance started to crumble. The man was an alcoholic, and while I knew that, I was certain it wouldn't affect my life. I was that confident that I had everything under control and could handle anything that came my way that I overlooked this seemingly small detail.

The abuse started in very subtle ways. Critiquing my choices of activities and friends. Jealousy and pouting when I would make plans to spend time with friends. Making comments that left me feeling I was not good enough. My strong confidence in myself started to erode, and I found myself giving up my activities, my friends and spending all my time worrying about keeping him happy.

The first time he hit me, I was in shock and denial. It was stupid-he threw the TV remote control at me and hit me square in the face. I had bruises running from my forehead to my chin, and when friends asked about it, I laughed and told them what had happened. The second time he hit me, it was in front of my sister, standing at a bus stop on a busy street in San Francisco. He was drunk and we were arguing, and while I was hurt and angry and pissed off, I made excuses to my sister. The next day he apologized and said it would never happen again, and I believed him.

Three years into our marriage,  I knew I was in hell. I was the sole breadwinner by this time, he having lost his job, and too messed up to go find another one. My days were spent working, coming home, making dinner he wouldn't eat till the next day, afraid I might poison him, so he'd wait to see if I died from the food I ate, and being on edge constantly, wondering when the next outburst would come.

The day I decided to leave him, he called me to tell me he wasn't feeling good and could I come home from work to help him. When I got there, he was vomiting blood. I called for an ambulance and waiting by the door while they worked on him, securing him to a stretcher to move him to the hospital. He had internal bleeding brought on by an extensive amount of alcohol and drugs.

I knew by this time I no longer had control of my life but had no idea what to do. I started seeing a therapist who kept suggesting I was the one with the problem, not him. Again, denial blinded me. I wasn't the drunk. I wasn't the one who wasn't working. I was just trying to help him! I fired that therapist and tried to figure it out by myself.

When he finally got out of the hospital, a nightmarish experience of detoxing that I would never wish on my worst enemy, I set my boundaries. We were moving, getting away from all the drugs and the alcohol, and going to live someplace calmer and more quiet so we could get our marriage back on track.

A few months after the move, he started drinking again, telling me that beer was not drinking, that now he was just the same as everyone else. He was working again, and felt like having a beer to unwind from work, and in my ignorance and denial, I wanted to believe him. When the shouting, control, and name calling started again, I kept telling myself he was just adjusting to our new life. I walked around on egg-shells, never knowing when he would lose it. I started seeing a therapist again who somehow finally got through to me that I was in an abusive relationship, and that he would not change, that I was the one who had to change. A friend suggested I read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, and I was shocked to see myself in those mind-blowing pages. He suggested I attend an Al Anon meeting too, or at least start reading the literature, and again, I was flabbergasted to see myself reflected in those pages.

The night my husband pulled a knife on me, and threatened to slit me from navel to nose, I finally realized I was in trouble. I never told a soul, too afraid people would judge me for the mistakes I'd made in wanting to trust him. That was the first time I started praying.

I had no idea where to go, or what to do, or how to get out of the situation I was in. After months of living in fear, going to bed each night with him standing over me flicking a knife open and shut, talking about Charles Manson and how much he admired him, I was not sure I would live to even move out, but I did.

But I still was unclear about God. Being raised Catholic, I was taught alot of things that really didn't make sense to me and how I saw God. But who was I to question? So I just stopped believing, stopped having faith in a higher power that wanted good for me and watched out for me. But now, I had no where else to turn, so I started talking to God regularly, and asking for help.

I started to get an inkling my prayers might be getting answered when I had managed to secretly secure a new apartment in a town that had a .5% vacancy rate. I called my parents and told them what was going on and asked for help. They drove all night and the next morning were there when he woke up to find me packing my stuff to move.

While I would like to say this is the last time I found myself in this situation, it wasn't. Despite months of abuse therapy and healing, I ended up repeating this type of relationship with a business partner with the verbal abuse, and accompanying loss of self-confidence.

When I finally worked up the courage after six years to end the partnership, I was really aware I had a problem with owning my own power. I constantly gave away my power and my seniority to those I thought knew more than I, were cooler than I, had more of an idea of how life should go than I.

I finally knew I couldn't live like that anymore, and found courage from deep with in, as well as from the new spiritual community I was becoming involved with. And again, lots of prayers.

As my life continued to melt down, I prayed harder and harder for help, until one day, I knew I had to just let go. It was like this sudden calm in a storm. I knew I could no longer fix my life despite all my efforts. I found myself in tears on the floor begging for help to end it all. To end the pain, the suffering, the fear, the stress, the constant worry that had followed me for almost fifteen years by this point. I was done. So with financial pressure crushing the life out of me, banks suing me, and my whole business headed for the cliff, I filed for bankruptcy and just let go. I surrendered. I couldn't control it anymore, and frankly didn't want to.

And that's when the miracle happened. And the healing began. I was guided to a decent compassionate lawyer (I know!) who helped me and emotionoally supported me through the bankruptcy, which ended up going so easily and smoothly, I knew a higher power was watching over me.

I started meditating, exercising, and going to spiritual awareness classes, and now, almost 5 years later, I find myself in this place of peace and joy, wholeness and calm.

I can honestly tell my clients that they too can find their way to this place by surrendering the control, and just having faith that they can change their lives because they're willing. Finding life affirming activities like meditation, prayer, spiritual support, and faith. But most of all, having courage that while it may seem rough right now, they will feel better, happy, and even want to laugh again.

I know without a doubt, because I've been there. The path is rocky, but I know I will always come to a place where it's smooth sailing for a while. But when the rough patches come, I know how to navigate now by leaning on God/The Universe/Source, praying, letting go of control, asking for help from friends and family, and stepping out in faith. There but for the Grace of God I go.

I had a pretty rough week. It was recently my birthday and that always triggers some pain and self-reflection.

Growing up in a family of seven kids, it was tough to get enough attention sometimes. Being third oldest meant that I just had to suck it up and accept that most of the time, I had to be my own cheerleader.

But on our birthday, that was our day, our own special day, where we got to choose what we would eat for breakfast and have for our own special dinner. We got to choose our own cake and ice cream and even were allowed to have soda pop for dinner, a rare treat! Because there were so many of us, we rarely had birthday parties with friends over; it was usually just a family celebration. But being born the day after Valentine's Day meant that usually my birthday got lumped in with that holiday, so I rare ever got to celebrate my birthday on my day.

As I grew up, this became increasingly important to me. I was tired of boyfriends squishing Valentine's Day in with my birthday, and began demanding that they forget about Valentine's Day all together, and just concentrate on doing something special for MY day!! What about me?! All that unhealed childhood stuff would flood out, every single year.

This year, I threw myself a party (on my birthday i might add), and it was wonderful. I had a few close girlfriends over for dinner. I cooked and they provided dessert. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself. But I wasn't able to avoid the painful memories that always get triggered for me around my birthday.

It's inevitable that I go back and start looking at my life: where I am now, what I've done since my last birthday, the changes I've made, the healing and awareness I've achieved....It's also inevitable that some feelings of competition come up for me. I start judging myself and comparing where I am to where my friends are at and what they've accomplished with their lives. And when I measure myself up against others, I always come up short. My positive attitude and feeling of joy at all I've accomplished goes right out the window. Oh dear.... here we go again!

I woke up this morning with the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" (Wilson/Asher) in my head. I love this song!

"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you"

When I wake up with a song in my mind, there's usually a lesson there that has come to me while my conscious mind is relaxing, and the subconscious has a chance to get a word in.

I was mystified at first, but as I sat and sang the song to myself, and asked Spirit for clarity, it slowly dawned on me. All the competition I've been creating for myself this last week was really a cry from my soul for love and acceptance of myself, exactly where I am today, at this moment. I'm not like anyone else on the face of this planet, and my inevitable comparisons of my life with my friends, measuring where I am against where they are is a sign that I need to love myself a little bit more than I've been doing.

It's normal to feel "less than" when we put our own life up against other peoples' lives. But as a unique spark of Divine Light, we all grow, change, learn and expand in different ways. Just like the flowers around us. No flower pops up the same as any other flower in the garden, even if they're the same species. There's no judgement from God or the earth or sun; it's just the way it is. Every single thing in nature is unique, us included.

Learning to love one's self, exactly as you are in present time, is the key to being happy, no matter what your life circumstances are. I've always been a "late bloomer". I've always come to things in my own time, and my own way, and it should be no surprise to me then that where I am in life right now is right for me, just as where my friends and family are right now is right for them. As long as there are stars above me, I'll make myself so proud of me....God only knows where I'd be without me.....

I had to laugh as I typed those last few lines. It's totally true. I'm here to express my own unique take on living, being, expressing, creating, exploring and sharing. I can only do it the way that makes sense to me, not how anyone else does it. Just like in childhood, I have to be my own best cheerleader, because everyone else is busy with their own lives.

I get to practice knowing that how I create and what I do won't be like anyone else, and that's ok too. So what if I'm just figuring it all out now? There's no rule that mandates we have our shit together before we turn 50. We get it together when the timing is right for us, no sooner, no later, and certainly not in a way that anyone else would do it.

I hope my little ah-ha moment around my birthday is helpful to you. Look where you may be frustrated with your self for not accomplishing more. Where are you going into competition with friends or family? Let that be your mirror that it's time to back off, and start loving and accepting yourself a little bit more. Start being your own cheerleader! And don't forget to laugh; laughter makes it all a little bit more bearable.

"Me and my shadow,
Strolling down the avenue,
Me and my shadow,
Not a soul to tell our troubles to . . .

And when it’s twelve o’clock,
We climb the stair,
We never knock,
For nobody’s there . . .

Just me and my shadow,
All alone and feelin’ blue . . ."

Written in 1927, this popular song has been recorded by everyone from Al Jolson to Robbie Williams. Why is that? And what does it actually mean?

Debbie Ford, the bestselling author of self-help book "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" built a career around helping people get to know their shadow self, the dark hidden recesses of the subconscious mind that are often built on fear, pain, and trauma. She looked at the shadows of the human experience, using her own life as the example. She battled drug addiction, abuse, divorce and a myriad of other painful episodes and came out of it with the fire and gumption to help others see where their own shadow-self might be causing conflict in their own life.

As a healer, I often see how much the unexplored shadow side of my clients' lives affect them in present time. But it's very hard to talk about this with them unless their very open and very committed to healing.

It's no coincidence then that as news came out yesterday, 2/18/13, that Debbie Ford had passed away after a long struggle with cancer, that I finally started to see where my own shadow self was negatively impacting me taking my own steps forward, and my own healing.

As you know, I own a record company, Gearhead Records, and have worked in the music industry for over 25 years. It's an ugly industry based on competition, fear, abuse, striving, and one-up-man-ship. And I am willing to admit, I found myself matching that energy with my company, as much as I consciously worked to be separate from it.

But time after time, I found myself in situations where people I trusted and bands I worked with stabbed me in the back, abused and used me, and in general took advantage of me to get ahead. I was often wracked with jealousy and competition as other labels took the bands I had worked so hard to break and capitalized on their success, while I sat in the background, the shadows, hurt, and squashed down, feeling neglected and walked on as these individuals stopped at nothing to make their own careers and businesses successful.

You'd think being in the field of healing and clairvoyant work that I'd be able to recognize immediately in myself where my unhealed shadow-self was popping up over and over again, but it's very hard to look at one's self and get the lessons, even as a teacher of this type of work!

I finally reached out to a friend, who is also a healer, for help. Why was I continuing to create episodes in my life where jealousy and competition and abuse kept smacking me in the face? With her help, I was able to finally look at my unhealed shadow-self, and boy was I surprised at what was there!

We attract into our lives experiences that help us heal and grow. And when you have a lesson you need to learn, it will keep entering your life until you get it. Always. And it gets louder and stronger until you're ready to pay attention to it. This is one of the Universal Laws of Attraction.

As I look back over the years at the myriad of abusive lovers, friends, jobs, bosses, and experiences I've been through, there is a common thread there, all going back to childhood yet again.

The feeling of unworthiness permeates every single one of those experiences. The people who kept abusing me were literally being called into my life to help me look at that long-buried self-belief: I AM NOT WORTHY. I created all those situations so I could look at that unconscious belief I've held about myself since childhood.

Why has it taken me so long to finally shed light on this shadow-side of myself? All I can say is that until now, I just wasn't ready to own it for myself, to heal it, and to release it. Why I'm ready now, I can't tell you. I just know I am.

As my friend communicated to me this information that my higher self already knew, I started crying, and I could feel this ball of pain, hurt and sickness in my stomach start to release. She recommended that to further release it I run RAGE through my body.

Anger is a tremendously healing emotion. It's one we're taught as children to stuff down though, as it can be firey and out of control, and dangerous. It can really freak people out.

The last episode of abuse and betrayal in my life, where a band I had loved and nurtured literally turned their back on me and took all my hard work and just gave it to a former friend who started his own record label, was still sitting, unspoken, in my gut. I had chosen to take the high road, and to wish them luck and fortune and not speak of the anger and jealously I felt, and those unspoken emotions were literally eating away at my inside, in my 3rd chakra, the center of power.

By embracing the anger I feel around this horrible action by people I loved I can heal myself. It's ok to give expression to anger and rage. It helps one re-set one's boundaries and re-own one's power. And that's ok!! That's good!!

Where is there unexpressed anger in your life? Give yourself a gift today, and let it out. Find a place where you can be alone, like your bedroom. Close all the doors, and all the windows, and if there's others in your house, let them know you're going to SAFELY release the rage and pain that have built up in your gut. Maybe put the cat or dog outside so they don't freak out. Grab a couple of pillows and smoosh them to your face. And then, start yelling and screaming. Find that rage inside, that anger, and tap into it. Think about all the things your upset and hurt about, or jealous of, and start screaming it out!! Express it!! Release it!! Release it Consciously!! You may start crying, or laughing as you access these deep hidden shadow emotions; that's ok! However it comes out, let it! Do not censor or edit yourself, just keep screaming or shouting into those pillows until it dissipates. Maybe you need to physically bang those pillows around (make sure they're not feather pillows, or they may burst LOL!) do it!! Let it come out in this very safe way and notice how good it feels.....

As you release you are using the burning fire of anger and rage to heal yourself, to release your shadow emotions.... and trust me, you will feel better.

As I give myself the gift of saying hello to my shadow-self, I can move forward more easily and shine my light more clearly, because there is nothing hidden. Give yourself this gift. You will be amazed at the lessons your shadow-self has waiting for you!

Today is a day dedicated to love. It's Valentine's Day, a day originally set aside during The Middle Ages to celebrate St. Valentine, a martyr who died on this day.

But this blog today is not about Valentine's Day. Rather, it is to share a rather remarkable experience that happened to me last night.

The world is filled with pain, angst, upsetment and anxiety right now. If you turn on the news here in the US, you'll read about the manhunt for a disturbed soul who targeted the police department in Los Angeles with a rampage of violence and death. There's political unrest in our government as the two opposing political parties battle over public policy on gun control, the environment, the economy and the other issues facing our country, with a stalemate of wills and ego that would put a Hollywood movie to shame.

I was getting tattooed last night, and any or you who have experienced this sort of body adornment know it's incredibly painful. But the end result is always so gratifying, it's worth a few hours of pain! I was laying on the table praying for help to get through the process. I was also using the many spiritual tools I have to grounding my body, but nothing seemed to work. The sting of the tattoo machine as it cut into my skin was excruciating, and I started thinking about all the various forms of torture used over the years to force one human's will on another.

Then the strangest thing happened. A young man came into the tattoo parlour with the picture of Archangel Metatron's healing cube, which the archangel uses to rid the body of pain and grief during spiritual healing sessions. He talked to one of the other artists working about getting it tattooed on him, and then he left.

This seemingly random incident jolted through me like lightning. Of all the prayers I had been sending up asking for help, it never occurred to me to call on Archangel Metatron! So mentally, I asked him to be with me and to give me guidance of how I could help my body get through the pain of tattooing, and instantly, I heard guidance inside my mind to start humming. I was willing to try anything at that point, so I did, softly to myself, but loudly enough that I was able to focus on the sound rather than the buzz of the tattoo machine. And then Archangel Sandalphon, the archangel of music,  communicated to me that the tone of my humming was raising the vibration of my cells above the pain!! I kept humming, and when the pain became noticable, I was directed to raise the pitch of my humming, since the higher the tone that was emminating from my humming, the higher frequency my body resonated at, and eventually, I was resonating above the pain of the whole process. These two archangels, who both originally walked the earth as men many years ago, knew instantly how to help my physical body rise above the low vibration of pain.

It sounds insane as I write this, but it is totally the truth. As I mentally asked them what was causing this to happen, they explained through pictures in my mind how this type of "Sound Healing" has been used for centuries to shift places where there is alot of pain and violence, whether it is one's own body (as during torture) or a city overcome with war, or government in-fighting. That as a group of healers, we have the ability to help our earth, governments, countries, cities, and inhabitants to heal by sending out high vibrational healing tones in the direction of where ever chaos and pain are occurring. It is a form of prayer when we are too close to a situation to be neutral. Indigenous cultures have used chanting and drumming for centuries to achieve the same effect.

This made perfect sense to me. As a little child, maybe you remember hearing something that was disturbing or upsetting, like your parents fighting, or a bully teasing you. What did you do? You put your hands over your ears and you started humming or chanting to drown out the aggressive sounds assaulting your ears and body. Children instinctively know how to rise above pain by using this built in form or healing. And that makes perfect sense, because Archangel Metatron's mission is to help children of all ages (even as adults, we are still someone's child!) find healing and peace. So why wouldn't he communicate this to children?

I was told that collectively, especially on this day of love, that we could evoke healing and peace in our communities by picturing places of discord surrounded by the high-vibrating tones of humming, either to yourself, or out loud by picturing the tone being directed to whomever or wherever you want to send healing thoughts. It allows the physical environment or people involved to rise above the chaos so spiritual healing can come in.

So today, when love is in the air and on our minds, join me in sending out the healing high-vibrating toning of light and love and peace to wherever there is discord in your life, or wherever you read about it in the news, or see it on TV. Why not? It certainly can't hurt, and maybe just maybe, it will open enough of a