I spent the day yesterday at Lake Comanche in Amador County, zooming around in a little vintage metal row boat with a 15 horse power motor on the back.

It was a blast!! I never realized motorized vessels could be so much fun, but there it was.

I wrestled with my internal judge: "Motor boats are bad for the environment! They're bad for the water and the fish, and they disrupt the stillness and beauty of God's creation!" And the other part of me was saying "Wow, this is so much fun! It's so exciting and invigorating, and I want to go faster and faster and feel the spray of the water on my face!"

In the end, I just let go and enjoyed myself, and pushed all those judgements and voices aside until I was able to look at them in a more neutral setting during my meditation this morning. And here's what I found: I have discovered my authentic self has some very polar opposites inherent in my being, and that to really heal myself and to be all I can be, I must embrace both extremes. Light and Dark. Shadow and Sun. Rock n' Roll and Minister.

It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what makes me uniquely me. So much of my unhappiness and pain these last few years has come from trying to please others by being what they want me to be, not fully who I am. And of course, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be unless I had some aspect of that in myself already.

For example, I've talked about how I own a record company, and I've worked in the world of independent punk rock music for the last twenty-five years. This is a very real passion for me, not some passing whim. In college, I fell in love with it to the point where I followed my heart to the crazy places it took me with little regard for finances or stability.

I've also always had a very deep reverence for the earth and her creatures, and strongly believed in "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" credo. I pick up trash when I walk along rivers and streams. I am conscious of the miracle of life, and the beauty of nature and that as humans it is our duty to love and protect these magical spaces. I've also always believed in the connectedness of nature and the Universe, and that there is more to life than what we can see with our eyes.

Now this last part of me I have kept hidden for many years. In the punk rock world, these sorts of  la-la land thoughts are frowned upon and judged as hippy-dippy and not part of "punk rock". So I've kept my beliefs to myself in order to fit in and not have people think I'm weird. Of course the truth is, I AM weird. I'm different. I'm unique. I will never be like anyone else, as much as I want to be. Only now am I realizing that that's O.K., and that that is what makes us humans so much fun to be around.

These last several years, I have gone on a very deep journey within myself to excavate the authentic me that lay hidden beneath the layers of people-pleasing and fear. I love rock n' roll. I love zooming around a lake in a motor boat. I love drag races, and the smell of the fuel and the vibration of the motors as they peel off the starting line. I love hamburgers and french fries and county fairs and the "humanness" of being around people simply enjoying themselves, no matter what they're doing.

I also love being a minister, connecting with God and The Divine and sharing the miracle of life and earth. I love the feeling of the mystical and that there is more to life than what meets the eye. I love organic gardening, and praying, and meditating, and I love teaching others the art of slowing down and looking with in to discover their own authentic passions. I love eating healthy organic produce, and clean water and being kind to others. I love listening to gentle music.

I've struggled these last few years, praying for understanding about how my rock n' roll lifestyle fits in with my spiritual lifestyle. And I finally found my answer.All this is O.K. I don't have to be just one thing or another. This is what makes me a unique spark of light; I am all these different things and passions and interests. I am bringing my authentic self into focus. I am all these things and more, bringing it all back together in to my body and my soul.

My goal is to love my life passionately and to live it fully, experiencing and tasting all aspects of it, not just what I think will be pleasing to others. I have journeyed within to release worry and fear about what others might think of me, and about what I think of me, clearing off the spaces within that have been gummed up with judgement and fear.

This journey within has been a "long and winding road", to quote Paul McCartney leading to the discovery that I really like who I am, right here, right now. Willing to see both the shadows of my being, like my impatience, and perfectionism, and where I judge myself, as well as my light aspects; like my ability to be kind, and loving and treat others with respect. Taking my skills as well as my challenges fully into the light has been the outcome of this journey so far. This is me–all of me, and I offer it out to the world as a gift and an inspiration to go on your own journey to discover and bless your authentic self.

I had very specific guidance from the angels yesterday: see the other person's point of view. I wasn't clear what that meant, and it was only upon waking this morning that I got the full picture and lesson.

There were 4 instances yesterday; two in the body and two on the astral (in my dreams).

I was very annoyed with a colleague of mine who twice blew me off. We were supposed to have a conference call, and the first time, the times got mixed up, but the second time, he said he was busy with another call and would get to me when he could. I felt "less than" and that he was a jerk and lying to me and I was composing all sorts of angry responses to him in my head as  I went about my day, determined to make sure he knew how I felt.

The second instance was with family. They were coming to dinner and I specifically asked them to bring potato salad for dinner, and when they showed up with some weird cabbage salad, I was so surprised they didn't bring more, I went into judgement and anger about it, thinking here's four of them coming to dinner and all they brought was this shitty salad. I felt used and very angry.

But this morning, I am ashamed of myself in both circumstances. Getting some distance from the emotional response was very much the guidance with me when I woke up. When I try to see it from my colleague's perspective, I see he is so busy trying to make connections for us that sometimes he loses track of time and also feels as if he's going in circles, trying to please everyone. It was not an intentional slam to trigger my feelings of low self-worth.

With the second instance with family, they have a new baby, as well as just climbing out of a really deep hole of debt and survival and for them to have brought anything as well as making the trip to come see us took monumental effort on their part.

I was an ass and I'm so sorry to have thought the judgmental thoughts I was thinking in both circumstances. I am no better and no worse than anyone, but clearly I needed to see where these feelings of low-self worth are still hiding in my psyche.

The other two instances occurred in my dreams. The first, a woman who had "stolen" my boyfriend many years ago came to me for help. She was in a new relationship and was being treated badly by friends and needed my help smoothing the situation over. I was so surprised to have dreamed of her since I hadn't thought about this woman for almost twenty years.

I had hated her then, and was so angry and judgmental and mean to her whenever I saw her. She was sexy, beautiful and exotic, and I was just this flubbery weird girl from Oregon. How could I compete with her? But in my dreams, I saw she was struggling to fit in to a new social group having just moved to the city. The truth was she was just trying to make new friends in a new city where she too felt "less than" and the attention from my boyfriend made her feel special and accepted.. I was jealous and hurt, but now, seeing things from her perspective, I was able to forgive both her and myself for the transgression.

The second instance in my dreams was a fellow in a band I had formerly worked with. I was walking through a county fair, and saw him walking towards me. The atmosphere was festive, but he was angry and glaring at me. I said hello, and he commented I sure had a lot of balls to say hi to him. I asked him why he was so angry with me, and he telepathed his response to me, so I felt it in my body and mind, rather than heard him speak.

I too had made him feel "less than" by dropping his band's contract. From his perspective, I had ruined his band's chances of becoming famous and he harbored deep blame and anger towards me because of my actions. I was again flabbergasted; I made him feel "less than"? It was never my intention to hurt him or make him feel his band wasn't special; it was a business decision based on the financial reality that his band was costing my company money, and it didn't make sense to keep putting money into the band to try and break them. I had never meant to hurt him.

I can see now how he could blame me, and I'm so sorry for making him too feel "less than."

My guides were so right; always see the other persons point of view because things are never the same for both parties. The truth always lies somewhere in the middle space between both parties.

As this awareness sunk into my consciousness, this prayer came to me: God, angels, please guide me today. Guide my voice and my actions. Please help me to be "more than" in all ways to all people, in all situations. Please forgive me as I forgive myself."

I see this pattern repeating often in my life, in many circumstances with many different people. And in order to heal myself I need to see myself as "equal to" all people. I have functioned for too long from hurt, fear, survival and pain, and that is no way to create a new life that is strong and powerful and wonderful.

I remember thinking before I fell asleep last night " Ok God, I surrender. I'm willing to try it your way today". As I write these words, I feel my root chakra, the place of survival, pulsing and clearing, and releasing stored up energy of pain and just trying to hang on.

I am willing to be the alchemist of my own life, transmuting the pain into love, into light, into abundant joy.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

It's Fourth of July, also known as Independence Day here in America. What does this mean? You hear it bandied about in all sorts of contexts, but have you ever really thought about what it means for you, personally?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, primarily because I've been going through some massive changes in my personal and professional life, and much of it revolves around my sense of personal freedom and my right to chose for myself what the best course of action is. It really boils down to a simple, yet complex subject: Free Will.

Thirteen years ago, July 1, 2000, almost to the date today, I bought my first house. It was a cute little townhouse style condo, surrounded by towering pines and redwood trees, and wonderful kind neighbors. I had just come through a painful divorce, and was just starting my record company, Gearhead Records, and it seemed the beginning of a great new life. Everything good was opening up before me and I felt strong and powerful and so ready to experience a state of stability and creativity.

Unfortunately, that brief period of calm and excitement gave way to a turbulent painful time that would not end until yesterday, July 3 2013, when I signed the papers selling my house.

It has been a mixed period of relief, sadness, and introspection as I reviewed the last thirteen years in my mind, taking a slow final walk through my little house, trying to make sense of the sometimes incredibly painful lessons and experiences I'd endured since first claiming ownership all those years ago: the meteoric success of my record company with the record release by a band called The Hives; the expansion of my business into a full service line of clothing and accessories; the extensive music catalog created, leading to almost eighty titles; the bitter breakup and dissolution of my business partnership; the opening of my retail store and the rebuilding of my business; meeting my current romantic partner; the terrifying downward spiral of financial ruin and eventual personal bankruptcy; the subsequent years of healing and clearing and reorganizing, and now finally, saying goodbye to the last episode in the story, selling my house and clearing out all remaining debts, while starting once again to rebuild my business.

Through all this, I've had the free will to chose the paths I've taken and the experiences and people I've brought into my life. Many times they were clearly the wrong choices, but at the time seemed like the best course of action based on the information I had at hand. I always had the freedom, the choice, to say "No Thank You" and to walk away, but I didn't, instead choosing to see the decision through to the end.

The one thing I never realized before recently was that I didn't have to make these decisions alone. I always had access to prayer and spiritual guidance, and I always could have requested help from the Universe to choose the course of action that would serve my highest good.

It just never occurred to me that I could ask for Divine Assistance in shaping the course of my life and my experiences, although often through the sense of intuition (or clairsentience as it is also called) I would get little "gut feelings" about what direction I should go. As humans, we have free will to choose our experiences and live our lives as we see fit, and our angels, spirit guides, or God himself cannot intervene without our permission unless it is life-threatening and not our time to cross over.

But we ALWAYS have the right to ask for help, and must do so to open the door for Divine Assistance to guide us towards the best possible outcome. However, once we get that guidance, we have the choice,  and the freedom, to say yes or no, and take action as we see fit. But before we get help, we must ask for it.

Holy moly, if I knew then what I know now, my life would have taken an entirely different trajectory, but I must have needed to learn certain lessons, which is why only now, after going through so much pain, I'm ready to open the door on my next series of choices with a lot more knowledge and certainty in my tool kit!

I know for instance that I make very rash decisions, and that knowing this about myself, before I choose what my next step is, I must step back, get quiet and go within, seeking guidance from God or The Universe or whatever you want to call "The All" energy that surrounds all living creatures. I have learned to wait until I know all my ego is removed from the decision-making process, and that I am taking the next course of action based on the clear knowledge that it will serve the highest good.

It's easier said than done, I know, trust me! I struggle with this every day. But the lessons these last thirteen years have taught me are that I'm not patient, and I don't ever learn things the easy way, and that often I'm functioning from the reactive state of a petulant child, rather than the proactive state of wisdom and knowledge. I have the freedom to choose to be proactive instead of reactive, weighing the pros and cons and possible ramifications from my decisions before I make them.

Martina McBride sings a song called Independence Day that has always resonated very strongly with me, because the lyrics dance around the pain of domestic violence, which I myself have experienced, and the call to personal freedom, free will and choices, which I'm constantly faced with:

Let Freedom Ring Let The White Dove Sing
Let The Whole World Know That Today Is A Day Of Reckoning
Let The Weak Be Strong Let The Right Be Wrong
Roll The Stone Away Let The Guilty Pay It's Independence Day
                              -Martina McBride

On this day of Independence, I choose to celebrate my right to choose the best course of action for myself, using prayer, meditation and accessing Divine Guidance and my higher self to take the best path, knowing if I move forward in this way, ultimately, it will benefit all I come in contact with. Isn't that what freedom is?