Fear bubbled up in my gut. Like a slow-acting drug, paralysis spread over my body. Indecision followed by a gut-wrenching panic filled in the remaining spaces in my churning stomach and like that, I was frozen, like a deer in the headlights, uncertain what my next move would be. 

All calmness and rational thought drain away, leaving an empty shell of a human, panic-stricken, paralyzed with indecision and fear. This is what survival feels like and I know this feeling very well. As an entrepeneur I face fear and indecision often, but sometimes it is worse than other times. When a big bill comes due, the base instinct of survival sets in as panic floods my bloodstream. How am I going to pay this? I feel helpless, pinned to the spot, unmoving. 

The is survival at it's worst, where intuition, inner voice, and higher spiritual connectedness evaporates. I can tell when I am falling into the grip of survival consciousness because I am just aware enough now after years of grounding and meditating to be able to see what is happening to me. This is when I know it is time to take action. Like turning The Titanic, bit by bit I must steer my vessel away from the apparent looming danger dead ahead of me. There is zero ability to rationally think one's way out of this blind panic because once that sets in, I am virtually done for, a goner.

When I feel that paralyzing fear and panic seeping into my gut,  the only way I know out of this trap is to start praying, affirming the wonderful gifts present in my life right now at this very moment, and reviewing all the amazing actions I have taken in the past, the fabulous things I am capable of creating and have created. It is like a soothing balm flowing over my soul as I review all I have to be grateful for, all the miraculous actions I have taken previously, the beautiful things I have created, the incredible people who fill my life at this very moment. 

Slowly, I feel my heart rate coming down, and the fear lifting, the survival that has paralyzed my soul, my body, dissipates.... and then I reach for my higher power, my connectedness to the Universal Life Source that we all have access to and I remind myself I am safe. I have been here before so many times, and always there is a way forward. I can see a glimmer of hope as I continue to pray and affirm with gratitude all I have in my life right now. 

It is precisely at this point where miracles happen, where doors open, where new insights are available, previously invisible paths become visible. 

I was watching a TV show called Mysteries At The Museum the other day, and there was a story about a woman, Annie Edson Taylor, who when faced with the fear of providing for herself and her family came up with the insane idea of being the first woman to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. 

Who thinks of something like that? But to her, in her state of panic and survival, that door opened in her mind and she took it. She could have lost her life in the process, but she didn't. Instead she survived and went on to become very famous and prosperous, selling souvenirs, and traveling the country making appearances and speaking engagements. 

I am not saying I would do something that extreme, but it just goes to show you, when we are pushed into that state of fear and survival, it is not necessarily a bad thing. It can give us a place to take action from in unexpected ways, ways we never have tried if we hadn't been faced with that feeling of impending doom.

When we are desperate and praying for a miracle, this is precisely the moment our connection to God, a higher power, or Universal Life Source is the strongest. Even though you feel so alone, this is the time we are most connected. When these crazy out of the box solutions pop into our heads, that is when we most need to listen and pay attention, be willing to trust and take action. 

It might not be as insane as going over the falls in a barrel, but it could be something equally as scary, like writing a blog post (ahem.... yes, this is meant for me), selling some treasured possession that has been sitting in a corner somewhere, signing up for a class, going to a trade show, or taking a healing bath when you least feel you have time for it. 

What ever feels like such a huge step that you couldn't possibly do that, that is your next right action. That is what will loosen up the log-jam of fear, indecision, panic and survival. That action will open the door for more action, and trust and balance will once again be available to you. 

There are days I wake up and I wonder what the point is. I've been on the spiritual path for years, and sometimes I feel I've made great strides in changing my life for the better.

Other times, like today, it feels all so familiar. I've been here before, struggling with the same issues, the same problems and insecurities, repeating the same process over and over and over again. Praying to God and my angels and guides for help, direction, guidance I can easily understand, but which somehow continues to elude me.

Money, weight, relationships, finding my authentic voice...these themes repeat over and over and over again. There are times I can see how far I've come. And then there are days where it feels like nothing has changed; I'm back at square one, struggling all over again as if it was the first time.

We recently learned of the suicide of actor/comedian Robin Williams at age 63. He hung himself, choosing to end his life to get out of the pain and struggle he had been in for much of his life. Despite all his worldly success as a famous Hollywood actor, lots of money, a nice house, a loving wife and kids, and millions of fans around the world, this is a man who struggled with pain and demons none of us can really understand.

In spite of all the outwards signs of a great life, he chose to exit this plane of existence. I don't know if it was in his life plan that this was how things would end. We all make a plan before we take a body on the lessons we want to work in this lifetime, and how we will leave the body when the lessons have been completed.

But we're also give "exit points" along the way, so if things go terribly wrong or we get so far off our path we have to just stop and start over again, we can make that choice. I don't know if this was one of Robin's exit point opportunities and he chose to take it, leaving the body behind so he could go back to heaven to meet with his team of guides and come up with a new plan to work his lessons, or if this was how it was all meant to end, and he did in fact work through his lessons and it was time to move on.

Maybe this was the plan he created as spirit before taking a body, to experience suicide and work that lesson of loss and survival. Maybe it was ultimately his life purpose to raise awareness of the issue of depression and suicide and how much it impacts us.

Or maybe he was done taking bodies, working his lessons here on the dense physical matter of earth, and he's graduated now to to the next higher plane where he will continue working as spirit, guiding those of us still left on earth working our own lessons. Only Robin, his guides and his Creator know for sure.

All I know for myself is I must keep going. I still have a lot left to learn and experience. I still haven't worked through my lessons. And days like today show me this. So I pray for help, I take a deep breath, and I greet the day, knowing this is part of my journey to experience doubt and frustration.

I turn 50 on Saturday, Feb. 15, 2014. It's hard to believe. I always thought 50 was so old and I would probably not live that long, considering all the crazy things I did when I was younger.

But here it is, and I am welcoming this transition with open arms. It feels like I am entering my second act, a chance to create my life according to my dreams and deepest instincts.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know these last few years have been a tremendously painful, introspective time of healing, clearing and rediscovering my authentic voice.

Part of this process has been discovering what playing means to me as an adult. As children, it's so natural. Imagining, creating, laughing, being silly....I don't know about you, but I never thought twice about doing the things I thought would be fun to do when I was younger. I trusted my inner voice and my instincts in all ways.

The picture on this blog post is me at about 2 years old. Look at that blow up duck I've got around my neck. I remember that duck to this day. I loved that toy! See the deflated balloon hanging down from it's head? Despite the fact that it is popped, I left it there because it felt right. And of course, I'm stark naked. I remember how good it felt! And me striding forward with certainty, oblivious to the funny sight I created for those watching. There is another picture of my family all looking at me with incredulous expressions on their faces. I remember the feeling of not caring one bit what everyone thought. I was following my truth, my heart, and it felt great! My family likes to pull this picture out and tease me, but I love this picture! It so perfectly captures how sure I was as a child, about playing and about following my instincts.

I asked my boyfriend Bill to take0 me sledding yesterday to celebrate my birthday. I knew with out a doubt that that's exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I knew it would be fun, and as we drove up to the mountains, holding our puppy Dooly on my lap, I imagined how much fun it was going to be, watching Dooly experience snow for the first time, and taking him on the sled with me. I saw in my mind's eye playing in that snow, having a snowball fight, getting wet and cold and feeling exhilarated with the pure pleasure of laughing and playing like a little kid again.

And it was exactly how I imagined it would be. Spending the day that way was pure bliss, and so healing! I would find a hill that looked like it would be a good sledding hill, and I just went for it, despite Bill's trepidations about it being too steep or too close to trees that I could run into. I knew with out one doubt in my mind that I would be fine and it would be hilarious, and so time and again, I went for it, despite his worries I might get hurt. I trusted my instincts and I was rewarded with a delightful slide down a steep hill, ending with me tumbling into the snow, laughing hysterically, with the puppy bouncing around me licking my face. I haven't had this much fun since we first discovered water parks a few years ago!

Bill got into the spirit of things and joined in the fun, and it ended up being a magical day for both of us. Afterwards, we headed to the lodge at Boreal to get a little snack, and I chose chicken fingers. It may sound like a little thing, but we had originally decided french fries would be our snack, but when I saw the chicken fingers, I knew that would fit the bill much better. I didn't question myself, I just ordered, and again was rewarded with how delicious they were and how perfectly those chicken fingers hit the spot!

Learning to trust my inner voice again in these small ways is a gift of epic proportions. Each time I follow my instincts with out fear or questioning, I am rewarded with how good it feels, and how right on the money those actions are. The result is exactly how I see it in my mind, and a reminder that we each have our own internal GPS system called our inner voice, guiding us to the right path, choice or action. We just have to listen, trust and follow that instinct. It is our authentic voice. The last time most of us trusted it was when we were very small, like me in this picture.

But as adults, we can have this for ourselves everyday. Listen within. Trust those instincts. They may be guiding you to buy that fabulous purple scarf, or take a class, or try photography or gardening. Or to order chicken fingers instead of french fries! Trust your instincts, and be rewarded and delighted with the outcome of how good it feels!

I like my eggs scrambled with cottage cheese and served with toast, or scrambled with spinach and wrapped up in a corn tortilla with hot sauce.

My boyfriend likes his eggs mixed up with milk, and then fried flat, like a pancake, until the edges turn brown and crispy.

Have you ever stopped to examine the little things you do in your life, like the food you prepare and eat, the clothing or accessories you wear, how you decorate your house, or why you use Comet to clean your sink instead of Soft Scrub?

Are all these little pieces of our lives really our own, or did we pick them up unconsciously from our parents, friends, lovers, the media? Really stop and think about it for a minute. Let's start with eggs. How do you like your eggs? Do you really like them that way, or do you just eat them that way because that's how you've always done it, or that's how your lover or kids like them?

This simple little exercise can tell you a lot about yourself. Do you really know yourself from the inside? Or are you mirroring someone else's preferences and just unconsciously adapted them as your own?

I just watched the Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride. The story is about a woman who has found herself walking down the isle towards marriage with three very different men, and with each partner, she's adjusted her life to fit theirs, including the music she listens to and the way she eats her eggs. But just before she reaches the alter, she bolts from her own wedding, running for her life, some deep instinct waking up in her at the last minute. She finally hears her authentic voice as she runs for the hills.

Choosing to live authentically by my own light has been a journey of epic proportions. Starting back in 2009 when I filed for bankruptcy, it was the first step in clearing out all the garbage I'd accumulated mentally and emotionally, not to mention physically.

Painful, upsetting, unbalancing, declaring bankruptcy ripped away all thought I knew about myself. It was the tsunami of clearing and letting go, taking me to my knees in surrender. I no longer knew who I was or where I was going, what my truth was. For so long I had lived by other peoples' light, by their ideas of who I was and what I was supposed to do and be and say and act. And I was great at it. I played the part so perfectly I no longer could see I had lost my way and stopped following my heart. I had lost all sense of my authentic self. I had to clear it all away before I could start bringing the pieces of my life back together again.

It's like when one suspects one is allergic to something, but you don't know what. You have to clear all suspected allergens from your life and one by one, reintroduce them to see what is triggering the allergic reaction.

Being this conscious of how your body reacts is the most important part of healing and recovering your authentic voice. You must pay attention to every little nuance and ask yourself whether it feels good or not!!

Because of this conscious awareness, when you reintroduce something that doesn't feel good, you can choose to no longer eat that food or engage in that behavior,and so through this process navigate through all the programming from childhood. You begin to recognize you've been doing an activity because it makes someone else happy, keeps the peace, or avoids conflict.

It feels much more fun and playful to live by your authentic light. So what if I'm a punk rocker who likes to listen to Windham Hill new age music? That is part of me but I covered it up because it was met with judgement by the circles of people I was trying to fit in with.

As I approach my 50th birthday, I truly desire to live life by my own light; enjoying the experiences that touch my soul and enhance my life. I practice speaking my truth now with kindness and love directed towards myself, so I feel safe when what I want doesn't mesh with someone else's agenda.

Trust me, everyone has an agenda. We're human, and we're going to get our needs met one way or the other. The path to happiness is to become aware of that fact, and then act accordingly. Do your wants, needs, and likes get the same attention as you give to your loved ones? If not, speak up!

If it doesn't feel safe to speak your truth and shine your own light, maybe that's the answer to your prayers. Maybe that's how you're being guided to change the circumstances; to leave that job, talk honestly with your partner, boss or family, or take the risk of following your heart and studying literature instead of science. Become clear about who you are and what you like and life will open up. I guarantee it! After all, I am living proof!

I dreamed last night that I was spinning around and around, high up in the air.

Swirling around me were little pieces of all the stuff I wanted for myself in my life: financial stability, love, meaningful relationships, peace, harmony, a career that made my heart sing, making a difference in the world, health, wellness, balance, magic, miracles and gifts of wonder and delight....

The list went on and on, and I could see each piece spinning around and around me, floating in the air above, below and every where I looked. And suddenly, I saw the image of me reaching my hand out and plucking one of those pieces right out of thin air, and placing it on a table next to me.

I laughed with delight and reached and grabbed and placed those pieces, one right after the other, no limits, no fear, no worries, just grabbing and placing each piece until I could see a picture was forming, like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. And that picture was the life I dreamed of creating for myself. As I grabbed each piece, I slowly came back to earth and stopped spinning, no longer dizzy with wanting and reaching. I was grounded.

I had the power, I had the ability. All I had to do was see it, imagine it, reach out and take it, and add it to the puzzle. That was the message.

I woke up from this dream knowing this is exactly how one goes about creating the life one dreams of: you simply have to be grounded, and clear in what you want, picture it in your head and go for it.

We are all born with wings, with the ability to fly high and shine bright. We simply have to reach out and take it with joy and love and certainty in our hearts.

I'm a procrastinator. There, I said it. I own it. I put off doing things time and time again, and lately, it's started to get to me. I find myself wandering around distracted and not accomplishing much, and at the end of the day, beating myself up because of it.

I finally decided I was going to do something about it, and what I came up with was so insanely simple, but so validating, I'm excited to share it.

I made a list. At the beginning of the day, as I was having my coffee and writing in my journal, I decided to write down the tasks as they popped into my mind. It was like taking a butterfly net and capturing those flitting little creatures as they floated around in my head.

I started very small at first, just 4 items. I told myself if I could just accomplish 4 things today, I would be happy. And I did it! Which gave me the courage to add a few more things to my list, until yesterday, I had 15 things on my list and I accomplished all of them except 2 items!!

At the end of the day instead of feeling frustrated, invalidated and totally hopeless, I felt empowered, encouraged and completely validated. I had something to show for my day with an entire list of crossed off activities and tasks!

Every minute of each beautiful day is a gift to have and to spend. But those of us who get easily distracted and procrastinate waste those precious minutes. It's like throwing handfuls of change down a storm drain. The time is just gone, and you can never get that it back.

It led me to wonder about my tendency to procrastinate. There were days when I would move the same item from one list to another, sometimes for weeks, never accomplishing it, never crossing it off. And I started to wonder what was blocking me from taking that particular step. What energy was stopping me? As I sat praying and meditating one day, I asked my higher self that question, and instantly got the word FEAR in my head. So I sat and looked at that with my spiritual sight and asked the word, what are you trying to tell me? How is fear stopping me from taking action on those one or two items that I keep putting off doing?

Why am I afraid to take action? Using my spiritual sight of clairvoyance I sat and looked at it, really looked at it, and I kept mentally asking it to show me what it meant: "Hello, why am I having trouble getting this task done, and how is fear stopping me?" I saw a staircase leading down into a cellar: it was as deeper reason, one that came from deeper within my subconscius, "I don't know how" and "The task is too big, it's too overwhelming". I keep saying hello to it, and finally I was led to the sense of perfectionism, "What if I do it wrong? "What if I change my mind?" and finally, "What if someone yells at me"? It was a tiny hidden voice of me as a small child, stuck in fear and perfectionism that I might get in trouble or someone might not like what I've done and be mad at me.

Which all led to the deepest hidden truth and fear, "I'm not good enough". Unworthiness. Being unlovable. The frightened small voice of a child afraid of not being loved was buried beneath all that procrastination and fear.

As I unraveled the threads behind my procrastination, I was able to see my next best action was to love myself exactly as who I am right now, and to give myself validation and encouragement. To send some love to that small frighted girl buried deep with in. Telling her she is safe and loved, just exactly as she is.

Little by little, I could feel my body start to relax, and and I became willing to go ahead and start working on the task I've been avoiding all this time.

It felt really good and the validation and sense of accomplishment filled my soul and I was no longer stuck and no longer looking for things to distract me like the television or food.

It's funny that so many of our actions are triggered by such buried unconscious feelings and fears stemming back from childhood experiences.

Until I wrote down this pathway and these steps these answers were blocked from my spiritual sight, only being revealed as I sat patiently and looking at the energy asking the hard questions. But as I followed each layer down and discovered the true root of the problem I knew what I discovered to be true in the deepest part of my soul.

I came back up from that deep dark cellar filled with lurking monsters and cobwebs and brought that small frightened child into the light, the love and the truth and validation that awaited me when I go about my day consciously, purposefully, with prayer and intention to validate myself and validate how I have spent each hour of my precious day.

I laugh that something so simply as a list has been able to help me see the pitfalls of distraction, unconsciousness and procrastination, but I'm so grateful for this new tool and this new awareness.

I invite you to try it yourself and be willing to ask the hard questions.

These last couple of months have been very difficult for me. All the rushing around and effort I expended led me to stop my self care routine of meditation, healing, getting plenty of rest and balancing my work with play. In the end, my body was so run down and depleted, I got sick. It's taken me almost two months to move through this growth period and get back to a more balanced place of health and wellness.

Through this process, I struggled with accepting where I was so I could heal, vs. forcing my self to get to where I wanted to be. And finally, this morning, I surrendered. By surrendering and accepting one's  circumstances, it immediately brings one right into present time, back from the regrets of the past and the what ifs of the future.

Only by acknowledging what is is one able to change. I'm self employed, and the worry about money and paying my bills is constant. But I chose
this! It didn't just happen to me. This uncertainty is part of my daily scenery. So I surrendered and accepted. This is where I am at right now. I only have so much energy to spend each day creating opportunities to bring financial flow into my life. I can only do a certain number of tasks today. And that's ok. Tomorrow always brings more opportunities.

Surrender and acceptance go hand in hand. The act of surrendering has always gotten a bad rap. People think it's giving up, but it's not! Until you surrender to what is, you can never accept it! And if you don't accept it, you can't change it. You will always be in resistance to what you don't accept. And resistance sets up the energetic equivalent of a police barricade: Nothing Can Cross This Line! Which means you are blocking out the assistance of the Universe, your angels and any other divine force from helping you shift your life for the better.Resistance comes from a place of fear, of not knowing.

Fear is irrational, but it stops you dead in your tracks. Like a frightened horse that refuses to move forward, that fear is irrational, but it feels very real.

I recently watched this amazing documentary Wild Horse, Wild Ride about rounding up wild mustangs and gentling them down to make them ready for adoption. One of the trainers put a blindfold over the horse's eyes to help create trust. That horse had no choice but to trust the trainer to lead him forward safely. Only when that horse surrendered, accepted his circumstances and opened his heart to trusting the trainer was he able to move forward. He was led over a bridge, and down a slight incline by that trainer, and little by little that horse began to trust the trainer and have faith that he would be safe. He surrendered, accepted and opened his heart up to what is and could then move forward.

It was a beautiful thing to see, and such a reflection of where I am right now. Surrender the fear and resistance. Accept my present circumstances; this is what is right now. And then trust that when the time is right, a window will open, a pathway will clear, leading me forward, safely, to what is coming next.

"Star light Star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight". These words were in my head as I woke up this morning, and I immediately knew my soul was crying out for nurturing, for comfort, and for some magic and fairy dust, and the holiday season is a perfect time to give ones' self just that.

This time of year is tough, both on body and on soul. In most parts of the country, it's cold, and either snowy or damp. The sun goes down early, and today, Dec. 21, 2013, is the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice, with the sun setting in some places as early at 4:30 pm in the afternoon. When darkness comes, so too can loneliness and despair.

Ancient cultures created celebrations around this time of year specifically to bring soul-caring and warmth into this dark, sometimes painful time of year, where lack can often take center stage. Celebrations centering on light, warmth, plenty of good things to eat and to share remind people that the inner climate does not need to match the outer climate.

Giving to others is the focus of the Christmas season; buying and wrapping presents to delight those we love has become the symbol of nurturing. But it can also open the door to giving to ourselves the most precious gift of all; the gift of magic, of joy, of childish delight. And it doesn't take money to give this stuff to yourself, that's the beauty of it!

When wishing on stars seems to be the only way to comfort myself, I know it's time to give to my soul, not just my body. Of course, the body has to feel safe and comfortable, so I drag out my long johns, turtlenecks, heavy coat, thick socks, and boots that won't let the cold seep up through my feet. At night, I put on my super snuggly flannel pajamas as soon as I can.

My body is usually dictating to me what it most needs to feel good, and this usually includes some sort of carbs (which trigger a complex chemical process in the brain, resulting in the production of serotonin, thereby making the body feel good!) such as pasta and rice. Listen to your body! It's telling you what it needs to feel good, and this doesn't always mean stuff that is bad for you, like an excess of sugar. Trust your body!

How do you listen to your body? This is the other secret to soul-caring is to get quiet. Stop running around like a chicken with it's head cut off for just a few minutes, and breathe. During times of stress, which many of us associate with the holidays, our breathing becomes shallow and actually puts more stress on the body because we're not giving ourselves enough oxygen.

One of the best ways to give to yourself this holiday season is to sit in a quiet, comfortable chair, feet flat on the ground, eyes closed, and simply focus on breathing deep into your lungs, expanding them as much as possible. And then release the breath. Breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, and notice how instantly your body starts to relax. Even doing this for just a few minutes will help your body relax and feel safe. When your body relaxes, your soul automatically feels better.

Notice all the things you're forcing yourself to do: shop for gifts, make holiday treats, go to parties, clean the house, create the perfect home setting to rival Sunset Magazine...whatever it is, once you allow your body to quiet down, notice if all the activities are really is something you want to do, or something you feel you should do.

If the list of shoulds is longer than the list of wants, it's time to start letting things go. This is another secret of soul-care this holiday season; bring your life back into balance by letting go of "the shoulds".

When you do something because "you should" you create a toxic energy around that activity or gift because it doesn't come from the pure inner child-like joy of "you want to". Instead of going to that holiday party because you "should put in an appearance" go outside and walk around looking at the Christmas lights! Holiday parties can be very stressful because of the unconscious need to impress others. If going to a party fills you with joy, then by all means go.

But if you're dreading having to make small talk, know you're gonna end up drinking too much to make yourself feel comfortable, or eating too much to keep your self occupied until the moment you can leave, then this is a sign this is a "should" instead of a "want". Give yourself the gift of saying no. Doing something as simple as strolling around looking at holiday decorations can achieve the same thing thing as going to a party: enjoying the magic and sparkle that is available to all.


We forget that saying "no" is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves, not just during the holiday season, but in our everyday lives. When you focus on activities that make you happy and feed your soul, you are truly giving to yourself and others.