I turn 50 on Saturday, Feb. 15, 2014. It's hard to believe. I always thought 50 was so old and I would probably not live that long, considering all the crazy things I did when I was younger.

But here it is, and I am welcoming this transition with open arms. It feels like I am entering my second act, a chance to create my life according to my dreams and deepest instincts.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know these last few years have been a tremendously painful, introspective time of healing, clearing and rediscovering my authentic voice.

Part of this process has been discovering what playing means to me as an adult. As children, it's so natural. Imagining, creating, laughing, being silly....I don't know about you, but I never thought twice about doing the things I thought would be fun to do when I was younger. I trusted my inner voice and my instincts in all ways.

The picture on this blog post is me at about 2 years old. Look at that blow up duck I've got around my neck. I remember that duck to this day. I loved that toy! See the deflated balloon hanging down from it's head? Despite the fact that it is popped, I left it there because it felt right. And of course, I'm stark naked. I remember how good it felt! And me striding forward with certainty, oblivious to the funny sight I created for those watching. There is another picture of my family all looking at me with incredulous expressions on their faces. I remember the feeling of not caring one bit what everyone thought. I was following my truth, my heart, and it felt great! My family likes to pull this picture out and tease me, but I love this picture! It so perfectly captures how sure I was as a child, about playing and about following my instincts.

I asked my boyfriend Bill to take0 me sledding yesterday to celebrate my birthday. I knew with out a doubt that that's exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I knew it would be fun, and as we drove up to the mountains, holding our puppy Dooly on my lap, I imagined how much fun it was going to be, watching Dooly experience snow for the first time, and taking him on the sled with me. I saw in my mind's eye playing in that snow, having a snowball fight, getting wet and cold and feeling exhilarated with the pure pleasure of laughing and playing like a little kid again.

And it was exactly how I imagined it would be. Spending the day that way was pure bliss, and so healing! I would find a hill that looked like it would be a good sledding hill, and I just went for it, despite Bill's trepidations about it being too steep or too close to trees that I could run into. I knew with out one doubt in my mind that I would be fine and it would be hilarious, and so time and again, I went for it, despite his worries I might get hurt. I trusted my instincts and I was rewarded with a delightful slide down a steep hill, ending with me tumbling into the snow, laughing hysterically, with the puppy bouncing around me licking my face. I haven't had this much fun since we first discovered water parks a few years ago!

Bill got into the spirit of things and joined in the fun, and it ended up being a magical day for both of us. Afterwards, we headed to the lodge at Boreal to get a little snack, and I chose chicken fingers. It may sound like a little thing, but we had originally decided french fries would be our snack, but when I saw the chicken fingers, I knew that would fit the bill much better. I didn't question myself, I just ordered, and again was rewarded with how delicious they were and how perfectly those chicken fingers hit the spot!

Learning to trust my inner voice again in these small ways is a gift of epic proportions. Each time I follow my instincts with out fear or questioning, I am rewarded with how good it feels, and how right on the money those actions are. The result is exactly how I see it in my mind, and a reminder that we each have our own internal GPS system called our inner voice, guiding us to the right path, choice or action. We just have to listen, trust and follow that instinct. It is our authentic voice. The last time most of us trusted it was when we were very small, like me in this picture.

But as adults, we can have this for ourselves everyday. Listen within. Trust those instincts. They may be guiding you to buy that fabulous purple scarf, or take a class, or try photography or gardening. Or to order chicken fingers instead of french fries! Trust your instincts, and be rewarded and delighted with the outcome of how good it feels!

I like my eggs scrambled with cottage cheese and served with toast, or scrambled with spinach and wrapped up in a corn tortilla with hot sauce.

My boyfriend likes his eggs mixed up with milk, and then fried flat, like a pancake, until the edges turn brown and crispy.

Have you ever stopped to examine the little things you do in your life, like the food you prepare and eat, the clothing or accessories you wear, how you decorate your house, or why you use Comet to clean your sink instead of Soft Scrub?

Are all these little pieces of our lives really our own, or did we pick them up unconsciously from our parents, friends, lovers, the media? Really stop and think about it for a minute. Let's start with eggs. How do you like your eggs? Do you really like them that way, or do you just eat them that way because that's how you've always done it, or that's how your lover or kids like them?

This simple little exercise can tell you a lot about yourself. Do you really know yourself from the inside? Or are you mirroring someone else's preferences and just unconsciously adapted them as your own?

I just watched the Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride. The story is about a woman who has found herself walking down the isle towards marriage with three very different men, and with each partner, she's adjusted her life to fit theirs, including the music she listens to and the way she eats her eggs. But just before she reaches the alter, she bolts from her own wedding, running for her life, some deep instinct waking up in her at the last minute. She finally hears her authentic voice as she runs for the hills.

Choosing to live authentically by my own light has been a journey of epic proportions. Starting back in 2009 when I filed for bankruptcy, it was the first step in clearing out all the garbage I'd accumulated mentally and emotionally, not to mention physically.

Painful, upsetting, unbalancing, declaring bankruptcy ripped away all thought I knew about myself. It was the tsunami of clearing and letting go, taking me to my knees in surrender. I no longer knew who I was or where I was going, what my truth was. For so long I had lived by other peoples' light, by their ideas of who I was and what I was supposed to do and be and say and act. And I was great at it. I played the part so perfectly I no longer could see I had lost my way and stopped following my heart. I had lost all sense of my authentic self. I had to clear it all away before I could start bringing the pieces of my life back together again.

It's like when one suspects one is allergic to something, but you don't know what. You have to clear all suspected allergens from your life and one by one, reintroduce them to see what is triggering the allergic reaction.

Being this conscious of how your body reacts is the most important part of healing and recovering your authentic voice. You must pay attention to every little nuance and ask yourself whether it feels good or not!!

Because of this conscious awareness, when you reintroduce something that doesn't feel good, you can choose to no longer eat that food or engage in that behavior,and so through this process navigate through all the programming from childhood. You begin to recognize you've been doing an activity because it makes someone else happy, keeps the peace, or avoids conflict.

It feels much more fun and playful to live by your authentic light. So what if I'm a punk rocker who likes to listen to Windham Hill new age music? That is part of me but I covered it up because it was met with judgement by the circles of people I was trying to fit in with.

As I approach my 50th birthday, I truly desire to live life by my own light; enjoying the experiences that touch my soul and enhance my life. I practice speaking my truth now with kindness and love directed towards myself, so I feel safe when what I want doesn't mesh with someone else's agenda.

Trust me, everyone has an agenda. We're human, and we're going to get our needs met one way or the other. The path to happiness is to become aware of that fact, and then act accordingly. Do your wants, needs, and likes get the same attention as you give to your loved ones? If not, speak up!

If it doesn't feel safe to speak your truth and shine your own light, maybe that's the answer to your prayers. Maybe that's how you're being guided to change the circumstances; to leave that job, talk honestly with your partner, boss or family, or take the risk of following your heart and studying literature instead of science. Become clear about who you are and what you like and life will open up. I guarantee it! After all, I am living proof!

I'm a procrastinator. There, I said it. I own it. I put off doing things time and time again, and lately, it's started to get to me. I find myself wandering around distracted and not accomplishing much, and at the end of the day, beating myself up because of it.

I finally decided I was going to do something about it, and what I came up with was so insanely simple, but so validating, I'm excited to share it.

I made a list. At the beginning of the day, as I was having my coffee and writing in my journal, I decided to write down the tasks as they popped into my mind. It was like taking a butterfly net and capturing those flitting little creatures as they floated around in my head.

I started very small at first, just 4 items. I told myself if I could just accomplish 4 things today, I would be happy. And I did it! Which gave me the courage to add a few more things to my list, until yesterday, I had 15 things on my list and I accomplished all of them except 2 items!!

At the end of the day instead of feeling frustrated, invalidated and totally hopeless, I felt empowered, encouraged and completely validated. I had something to show for my day with an entire list of crossed off activities and tasks!

Every minute of each beautiful day is a gift to have and to spend. But those of us who get easily distracted and procrastinate waste those precious minutes. It's like throwing handfuls of change down a storm drain. The time is just gone, and you can never get that it back.

It led me to wonder about my tendency to procrastinate. There were days when I would move the same item from one list to another, sometimes for weeks, never accomplishing it, never crossing it off. And I started to wonder what was blocking me from taking that particular step. What energy was stopping me? As I sat praying and meditating one day, I asked my higher self that question, and instantly got the word FEAR in my head. So I sat and looked at that with my spiritual sight and asked the word, what are you trying to tell me? How is fear stopping me from taking action on those one or two items that I keep putting off doing?

Why am I afraid to take action? Using my spiritual sight of clairvoyance I sat and looked at it, really looked at it, and I kept mentally asking it to show me what it meant: "Hello, why am I having trouble getting this task done, and how is fear stopping me?" I saw a staircase leading down into a cellar: it was as deeper reason, one that came from deeper within my subconscius, "I don't know how" and "The task is too big, it's too overwhelming". I keep saying hello to it, and finally I was led to the sense of perfectionism, "What if I do it wrong? "What if I change my mind?" and finally, "What if someone yells at me"? It was a tiny hidden voice of me as a small child, stuck in fear and perfectionism that I might get in trouble or someone might not like what I've done and be mad at me.

Which all led to the deepest hidden truth and fear, "I'm not good enough". Unworthiness. Being unlovable. The frightened small voice of a child afraid of not being loved was buried beneath all that procrastination and fear.

As I unraveled the threads behind my procrastination, I was able to see my next best action was to love myself exactly as who I am right now, and to give myself validation and encouragement. To send some love to that small frighted girl buried deep with in. Telling her she is safe and loved, just exactly as she is.

Little by little, I could feel my body start to relax, and and I became willing to go ahead and start working on the task I've been avoiding all this time.

It felt really good and the validation and sense of accomplishment filled my soul and I was no longer stuck and no longer looking for things to distract me like the television or food.

It's funny that so many of our actions are triggered by such buried unconscious feelings and fears stemming back from childhood experiences.

Until I wrote down this pathway and these steps these answers were blocked from my spiritual sight, only being revealed as I sat patiently and looking at the energy asking the hard questions. But as I followed each layer down and discovered the true root of the problem I knew what I discovered to be true in the deepest part of my soul.

I came back up from that deep dark cellar filled with lurking monsters and cobwebs and brought that small frightened child into the light, the love and the truth and validation that awaited me when I go about my day consciously, purposefully, with prayer and intention to validate myself and validate how I have spent each hour of my precious day.

I laugh that something so simply as a list has been able to help me see the pitfalls of distraction, unconsciousness and procrastination, but I'm so grateful for this new tool and this new awareness.

I invite you to try it yourself and be willing to ask the hard questions.

These last couple of months have been very difficult for me. All the rushing around and effort I expended led me to stop my self care routine of meditation, healing, getting plenty of rest and balancing my work with play. In the end, my body was so run down and depleted, I got sick. It's taken me almost two months to move through this growth period and get back to a more balanced place of health and wellness.

Through this process, I struggled with accepting where I was so I could heal, vs. forcing my self to get to where I wanted to be. And finally, this morning, I surrendered. By surrendering and accepting one's  circumstances, it immediately brings one right into present time, back from the regrets of the past and the what ifs of the future.

Only by acknowledging what is is one able to change. I'm self employed, and the worry about money and paying my bills is constant. But I chose
this! It didn't just happen to me. This uncertainty is part of my daily scenery. So I surrendered and accepted. This is where I am at right now. I only have so much energy to spend each day creating opportunities to bring financial flow into my life. I can only do a certain number of tasks today. And that's ok. Tomorrow always brings more opportunities.

Surrender and acceptance go hand in hand. The act of surrendering has always gotten a bad rap. People think it's giving up, but it's not! Until you surrender to what is, you can never accept it! And if you don't accept it, you can't change it. You will always be in resistance to what you don't accept. And resistance sets up the energetic equivalent of a police barricade: Nothing Can Cross This Line! Which means you are blocking out the assistance of the Universe, your angels and any other divine force from helping you shift your life for the better.Resistance comes from a place of fear, of not knowing.

Fear is irrational, but it stops you dead in your tracks. Like a frightened horse that refuses to move forward, that fear is irrational, but it feels very real.

I recently watched this amazing documentary Wild Horse, Wild Ride about rounding up wild mustangs and gentling them down to make them ready for adoption. One of the trainers put a blindfold over the horse's eyes to help create trust. That horse had no choice but to trust the trainer to lead him forward safely. Only when that horse surrendered, accepted his circumstances and opened his heart to trusting the trainer was he able to move forward. He was led over a bridge, and down a slight incline by that trainer, and little by little that horse began to trust the trainer and have faith that he would be safe. He surrendered, accepted and opened his heart up to what is and could then move forward.

It was a beautiful thing to see, and such a reflection of where I am right now. Surrender the fear and resistance. Accept my present circumstances; this is what is right now. And then trust that when the time is right, a window will open, a pathway will clear, leading me forward, safely, to what is coming next.

"Star light Star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight". These words were in my head as I woke up this morning, and I immediately knew my soul was crying out for nurturing, for comfort, and for some magic and fairy dust, and the holiday season is a perfect time to give ones' self just that.

This time of year is tough, both on body and on soul. In most parts of the country, it's cold, and either snowy or damp. The sun goes down early, and today, Dec. 21, 2013, is the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice, with the sun setting in some places as early at 4:30 pm in the afternoon. When darkness comes, so too can loneliness and despair.

Ancient cultures created celebrations around this time of year specifically to bring soul-caring and warmth into this dark, sometimes painful time of year, where lack can often take center stage. Celebrations centering on light, warmth, plenty of good things to eat and to share remind people that the inner climate does not need to match the outer climate.

Giving to others is the focus of the Christmas season; buying and wrapping presents to delight those we love has become the symbol of nurturing. But it can also open the door to giving to ourselves the most precious gift of all; the gift of magic, of joy, of childish delight. And it doesn't take money to give this stuff to yourself, that's the beauty of it!

When wishing on stars seems to be the only way to comfort myself, I know it's time to give to my soul, not just my body. Of course, the body has to feel safe and comfortable, so I drag out my long johns, turtlenecks, heavy coat, thick socks, and boots that won't let the cold seep up through my feet. At night, I put on my super snuggly flannel pajamas as soon as I can.

My body is usually dictating to me what it most needs to feel good, and this usually includes some sort of carbs (which trigger a complex chemical process in the brain, resulting in the production of serotonin, thereby making the body feel good!) such as pasta and rice. Listen to your body! It's telling you what it needs to feel good, and this doesn't always mean stuff that is bad for you, like an excess of sugar. Trust your body!

How do you listen to your body? This is the other secret to soul-caring is to get quiet. Stop running around like a chicken with it's head cut off for just a few minutes, and breathe. During times of stress, which many of us associate with the holidays, our breathing becomes shallow and actually puts more stress on the body because we're not giving ourselves enough oxygen.

One of the best ways to give to yourself this holiday season is to sit in a quiet, comfortable chair, feet flat on the ground, eyes closed, and simply focus on breathing deep into your lungs, expanding them as much as possible. And then release the breath. Breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, and notice how instantly your body starts to relax. Even doing this for just a few minutes will help your body relax and feel safe. When your body relaxes, your soul automatically feels better.

Notice all the things you're forcing yourself to do: shop for gifts, make holiday treats, go to parties, clean the house, create the perfect home setting to rival Sunset Magazine...whatever it is, once you allow your body to quiet down, notice if all the activities are really is something you want to do, or something you feel you should do.

If the list of shoulds is longer than the list of wants, it's time to start letting things go. This is another secret of soul-care this holiday season; bring your life back into balance by letting go of "the shoulds".

When you do something because "you should" you create a toxic energy around that activity or gift because it doesn't come from the pure inner child-like joy of "you want to". Instead of going to that holiday party because you "should put in an appearance" go outside and walk around looking at the Christmas lights! Holiday parties can be very stressful because of the unconscious need to impress others. If going to a party fills you with joy, then by all means go.

But if you're dreading having to make small talk, know you're gonna end up drinking too much to make yourself feel comfortable, or eating too much to keep your self occupied until the moment you can leave, then this is a sign this is a "should" instead of a "want". Give yourself the gift of saying no. Doing something as simple as strolling around looking at holiday decorations can achieve the same thing thing as going to a party: enjoying the magic and sparkle that is available to all.


We forget that saying "no" is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves, not just during the holiday season, but in our everyday lives. When you focus on activities that make you happy and feed your soul, you are truly giving to yourself and others.

When we make the commitment to change our lives for the better, often times things get worse before they get better. This is because there is so much old junk to clear out that a little turbulence may be in order to really get you to let go of it.

I have commited to finding more peace, serenity, joy and abundance in my life, but when I openeed that door, I had very little idea about what that would entail.

Through bankruptcy, the dissolution of a business, a physical move, gut-wrenching lack, and a myriad of other challenges, my life has slowly shifted to the point where I woke up this morning with my heart overflowing with gratitude at all the abundance that surrounds me at this present moment of time.

Everything is shifting, changing and moving and it feels very good, but also sometimes very scary. But I know in my heart if I just stay centered and grounded I will flow through these changes effortlessly. It feels like I'm on those moving stairs in a Harry Potter movie, where all of the sudden the staircases start moving and rearranging themselves while Harry is in the process of ascending them. Notice in the movie, he doesn't bat an eye, but stays still until the moving stops, and then continues up the stairs!

When I am in the midst of turmoil, I close my eyes and look at all the abundance surrounding me, and I am amazed at how rich my life is. I feel so blessed! I am so in love with my life now and the people in it! I am amazed at the riches that surround me: baskets full of lush ripe heirloom organic tomatoes, crisp cucumbers, peppers of all flavors and Asian eggplants, hanging heavy from the bush like little Christmas tree ornaments, emerald-green zucchinis, fresh herbs and rich golden olive oil drizzled over it all, sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper to add a little spice.

All this set within a heavenly setting of bright colorful flowers, dancing butterflies and darting hummingbirds. My little pond is filled with jewel-toned koi fish, and my sweet little puppy Dooly is right by my side, tugging at my bathrobe this morning wanting a little love and attention. The love of my life is asleep in the next room, safe and healthy.

I am so blessed by the Grace of God that surrounds me in all these instances, it makes me want to weep with gratitude as I look back at the mine-field I've walked across. Life really is a miracle and I open my arms to embrace it fully, to savor the rich textures, smells, colors and flavors all snuggled with in this moment in time.

I love my gentle morning ritual of going within, and tapping into my inner source, my voice and validating these experiences by writing them down. When I hit that inevitable turbulence, I have proof things were absolutely 100% wonderful not just a few short hours or days previously. I wrote it down right in the midst of experiencing it! It must be true since I was feeling it at the time because there it is in black and white right on the page in front of me!

When those trying times come and the worry starts to creep back in, I can read those words and know that peace and tranquility will be mine again soon enough. I simply need to sit still and find the eye of the hurricane where stillness resides, and take no action until the storm has passed. And just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I am able to stand up, dust myself off, push away the wreckage surrounding me, and step back into my sparkling clear world again, grateful I am unharmed in any way, that the fear has passed and I am safe.

When I know this is how it always works out, it is easier to be still while the hurricane is ravaging my life. A rainbow always appears after the storm.

I spent the day yesterday at Lake Comanche in Amador County, zooming around in a little vintage metal row boat with a 15 horse power motor on the back.

It was a blast!! I never realized motorized vessels could be so much fun, but there it was.

I wrestled with my internal judge: "Motor boats are bad for the environment! They're bad for the water and the fish, and they disrupt the stillness and beauty of God's creation!" And the other part of me was saying "Wow, this is so much fun! It's so exciting and invigorating, and I want to go faster and faster and feel the spray of the water on my face!"

In the end, I just let go and enjoyed myself, and pushed all those judgements and voices aside until I was able to look at them in a more neutral setting during my meditation this morning. And here's what I found: I have discovered my authentic self has some very polar opposites inherent in my being, and that to really heal myself and to be all I can be, I must embrace both extremes. Light and Dark. Shadow and Sun. Rock n' Roll and Minister.

It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what makes me uniquely me. So much of my unhappiness and pain these last few years has come from trying to please others by being what they want me to be, not fully who I am. And of course, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be unless I had some aspect of that in myself already.

For example, I've talked about how I own a record company, and I've worked in the world of independent punk rock music for the last twenty-five years. This is a very real passion for me, not some passing whim. In college, I fell in love with it to the point where I followed my heart to the crazy places it took me with little regard for finances or stability.

I've also always had a very deep reverence for the earth and her creatures, and strongly believed in "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" credo. I pick up trash when I walk along rivers and streams. I am conscious of the miracle of life, and the beauty of nature and that as humans it is our duty to love and protect these magical spaces. I've also always believed in the connectedness of nature and the Universe, and that there is more to life than what we can see with our eyes.

Now this last part of me I have kept hidden for many years. In the punk rock world, these sorts of  la-la land thoughts are frowned upon and judged as hippy-dippy and not part of "punk rock". So I've kept my beliefs to myself in order to fit in and not have people think I'm weird. Of course the truth is, I AM weird. I'm different. I'm unique. I will never be like anyone else, as much as I want to be. Only now am I realizing that that's O.K., and that that is what makes us humans so much fun to be around.

These last several years, I have gone on a very deep journey within myself to excavate the authentic me that lay hidden beneath the layers of people-pleasing and fear. I love rock n' roll. I love zooming around a lake in a motor boat. I love drag races, and the smell of the fuel and the vibration of the motors as they peel off the starting line. I love hamburgers and french fries and county fairs and the "humanness" of being around people simply enjoying themselves, no matter what they're doing.

I also love being a minister, connecting with God and The Divine and sharing the miracle of life and earth. I love the feeling of the mystical and that there is more to life than what meets the eye. I love organic gardening, and praying, and meditating, and I love teaching others the art of slowing down and looking with in to discover their own authentic passions. I love eating healthy organic produce, and clean water and being kind to others. I love listening to gentle music.

I've struggled these last few years, praying for understanding about how my rock n' roll lifestyle fits in with my spiritual lifestyle. And I finally found my answer.All this is O.K. I don't have to be just one thing or another. This is what makes me a unique spark of light; I am all these different things and passions and interests. I am bringing my authentic self into focus. I am all these things and more, bringing it all back together in to my body and my soul.

My goal is to love my life passionately and to live it fully, experiencing and tasting all aspects of it, not just what I think will be pleasing to others. I have journeyed within to release worry and fear about what others might think of me, and about what I think of me, clearing off the spaces within that have been gummed up with judgement and fear.

This journey within has been a "long and winding road", to quote Paul McCartney leading to the discovery that I really like who I am, right here, right now. Willing to see both the shadows of my being, like my impatience, and perfectionism, and where I judge myself, as well as my light aspects; like my ability to be kind, and loving and treat others with respect. Taking my skills as well as my challenges fully into the light has been the outcome of this journey so far. This is me–all of me, and I offer it out to the world as a gift and an inspiration to go on your own journey to discover and bless your authentic self.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

It's Fourth of July, also known as Independence Day here in America. What does this mean? You hear it bandied about in all sorts of contexts, but have you ever really thought about what it means for you, personally?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, primarily because I've been going through some massive changes in my personal and professional life, and much of it revolves around my sense of personal freedom and my right to chose for myself what the best course of action is. It really boils down to a simple, yet complex subject: Free Will.

Thirteen years ago, July 1, 2000, almost to the date today, I bought my first house. It was a cute little townhouse style condo, surrounded by towering pines and redwood trees, and wonderful kind neighbors. I had just come through a painful divorce, and was just starting my record company, Gearhead Records, and it seemed the beginning of a great new life. Everything good was opening up before me and I felt strong and powerful and so ready to experience a state of stability and creativity.

Unfortunately, that brief period of calm and excitement gave way to a turbulent painful time that would not end until yesterday, July 3 2013, when I signed the papers selling my house.

It has been a mixed period of relief, sadness, and introspection as I reviewed the last thirteen years in my mind, taking a slow final walk through my little house, trying to make sense of the sometimes incredibly painful lessons and experiences I'd endured since first claiming ownership all those years ago: the meteoric success of my record company with the record release by a band called The Hives; the expansion of my business into a full service line of clothing and accessories; the extensive music catalog created, leading to almost eighty titles; the bitter breakup and dissolution of my business partnership; the opening of my retail store and the rebuilding of my business; meeting my current romantic partner; the terrifying downward spiral of financial ruin and eventual personal bankruptcy; the subsequent years of healing and clearing and reorganizing, and now finally, saying goodbye to the last episode in the story, selling my house and clearing out all remaining debts, while starting once again to rebuild my business.

Through all this, I've had the free will to chose the paths I've taken and the experiences and people I've brought into my life. Many times they were clearly the wrong choices, but at the time seemed like the best course of action based on the information I had at hand. I always had the freedom, the choice, to say "No Thank You" and to walk away, but I didn't, instead choosing to see the decision through to the end.

The one thing I never realized before recently was that I didn't have to make these decisions alone. I always had access to prayer and spiritual guidance, and I always could have requested help from the Universe to choose the course of action that would serve my highest good.

It just never occurred to me that I could ask for Divine Assistance in shaping the course of my life and my experiences, although often through the sense of intuition (or clairsentience as it is also called) I would get little "gut feelings" about what direction I should go. As humans, we have free will to choose our experiences and live our lives as we see fit, and our angels, spirit guides, or God himself cannot intervene without our permission unless it is life-threatening and not our time to cross over.

But we ALWAYS have the right to ask for help, and must do so to open the door for Divine Assistance to guide us towards the best possible outcome. However, once we get that guidance, we have the choice,  and the freedom, to say yes or no, and take action as we see fit. But before we get help, we must ask for it.

Holy moly, if I knew then what I know now, my life would have taken an entirely different trajectory, but I must have needed to learn certain lessons, which is why only now, after going through so much pain, I'm ready to open the door on my next series of choices with a lot more knowledge and certainty in my tool kit!

I know for instance that I make very rash decisions, and that knowing this about myself, before I choose what my next step is, I must step back, get quiet and go within, seeking guidance from God or The Universe or whatever you want to call "The All" energy that surrounds all living creatures. I have learned to wait until I know all my ego is removed from the decision-making process, and that I am taking the next course of action based on the clear knowledge that it will serve the highest good.

It's easier said than done, I know, trust me! I struggle with this every day. But the lessons these last thirteen years have taught me are that I'm not patient, and I don't ever learn things the easy way, and that often I'm functioning from the reactive state of a petulant child, rather than the proactive state of wisdom and knowledge. I have the freedom to choose to be proactive instead of reactive, weighing the pros and cons and possible ramifications from my decisions before I make them.

Martina McBride sings a song called Independence Day that has always resonated very strongly with me, because the lyrics dance around the pain of domestic violence, which I myself have experienced, and the call to personal freedom, free will and choices, which I'm constantly faced with:

Let Freedom Ring Let The White Dove Sing
Let The Whole World Know That Today Is A Day Of Reckoning
Let The Weak Be Strong Let The Right Be Wrong
Roll The Stone Away Let The Guilty Pay It's Independence Day
                              -Martina McBride

On this day of Independence, I choose to celebrate my right to choose the best course of action for myself, using prayer, meditation and accessing Divine Guidance and my higher self to take the best path, knowing if I move forward in this way, ultimately, it will benefit all I come in contact with. Isn't that what freedom is?

"If I just try a little harder, I can fix this situation for everyone!" How often have you thought this? How often has this worked out for you? How often has this belief sent you spiraling down a course of action that gets further and further out of your control and ability to "fix" it?

I got yet another chance to say hello to my tendency to be an "out of control" healer when a gentleman in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's fell into my lap recently.

Through a series of complicated events, he wound up in Sacramento with no family and no place to stay, so he came to stay with us for a while.

At first it seemed easy enough; I cooked for him, made sure he took his medicine and provided a stable situation for him to live in. He kept talking about leaving, about wanting to go live on his own, but I knew it wasn't safe for him. So I kept trying different avenues to find him someplace "safe" to go. And as is the case with Alzheimer's a relatively benign situation went from zero to sixty crazy-out-of-control in seconds flat. I ended up having to call the police when I finally realized what I thought I had "under control" was clearly not!

I've been around the block a few times with these sorts of experiences, and should have recognized the warning signs when they're waving in my face, like a big red cape being flapped in front of a charging bull, but I didn't. Or I chose not to, thinking maybe this time it would all work out ok. This time, I could handle it.

What are the warning signs of being "an out of control" healer? When you find yourself spending time, energy, money, or emotion on trying to make something "better" or "o.k." for someone else. When things keep getting worse, and doors keep shutting, and yet you keep going, searching and searching for some other solution to a "problem" that isn't yours to solve in the first place. When the people who really should care and be involved aren't. And lastly, when the person you're trying to "help" clearly doesn't want your help, despite how bad the situation appears.

Having been involved with alcoholics and addicts for much of my life, I've developed the tendency towards co-dependency. We hear this term a lot, but do you know what it means? Here's Wikiepedia's definition:

"The dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. A tendency to behave in an overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's own life."

Does this sound familiar to you? It describes me to a "t"! And the most remarkable thing I've discovered is when you find yourself in this situation, it's never about the other person; it's always about you! Where are your needs not being met? We tend to do for others what we wish would be done for ourselves; get some help, some guidance, a hug, or just permission to turn it over to a higher source for healing and transmutation and let go for a while.

The axiom "healer heal thyself" is so true. Often we become healers or caretakers of others when we most need to focus on our own health and wellness. It's a signal to step back, go within, and ask your higher self "what do I need help with today?" And then give yourself permission to notice what comes up and take action, or better yet, just receive it when the help shows up!

I realized I have been "doing" for everyone around me, and ignoring my own inner need to rest, take it easy, back off from all my activities and commitments, and just give myself a much needed "time out". But again, as out of control healers, it seems selfish to ignore the needs of others, the pain or desperation or poverty or depression or illness, or whatever it is that is pulling at you. "They need me!! I have to help them" Really? This sort of thinking is really pretty arrogant when you step back and think about it.

It means you don't think that other person is capable of making decisions for themselves, or of taking care of their needs, or of making a choice that suits them at that point in time. It means that you think your way is better, and how arrogant is that?!

When we don't let those around us experience the life lessons they need to experience, we act as God, and say "You can have this, but not this." It is us choosing for another person what is right for them. Now of course there's situations where we have to behave that way, such as being a parent. Being a good parent to a child means setting boundaries, and saying no to things that may not be good for that child.

But when you get into doing this for adults, that's another matter entirely. If someone you love is choosing to take drugs or smoke or partake of behaviors that clearly don't seem to be good for them, of course, intercede and see if it is really a cry for help. But if you keep putting them in a detox center, and they keep falling off the wagon, or ending up in jail or on the streets, it's probably a signal that you need to step back and let that person experience what they're needing to experience. It is probably one of their life lessons, and by you trying to "fix it" for them, you're keeping them from the growth they came to this body to experience.

AA really has a handle on teaching those in recovery to recognize the difference here. Their whole message is about focusing on your own self-healing, and learning your own life lessons. You know the famous "Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
                 --Reinhold Niebuhr

Really look at it, and ponder it. It is all about learning to heal yourself and to recognize those situations that trigger our "out of control healer" tendencies.

As I write this, I've given myself permission for the last three weeks to go within, and to see what needs are not being met for myself by allowing the man with Alzheimer's to come into my life. He was my mirror, reflecting back to me where I need to take care of myself. It has meant not over-committing myself to activities, giving myself permission to just take it easy without having to do anything but heal.  It has been a very difficult, but very necessary "time out" and I once again feel able to be in this world as a balanced, healthy healer, capable of helping others in a safe neutral way as I help myself.