I spent the day yesterday at Lake Comanche in Amador County, zooming around in a little vintage metal row boat with a 15 horse power motor on the back.

It was a blast!! I never realized motorized vessels could be so much fun, but there it was.

I wrestled with my internal judge: "Motor boats are bad for the environment! They're bad for the water and the fish, and they disrupt the stillness and beauty of God's creation!" And the other part of me was saying "Wow, this is so much fun! It's so exciting and invigorating, and I want to go faster and faster and feel the spray of the water on my face!"

In the end, I just let go and enjoyed myself, and pushed all those judgements and voices aside until I was able to look at them in a more neutral setting during my meditation this morning. And here's what I found: I have discovered my authentic self has some very polar opposites inherent in my being, and that to really heal myself and to be all I can be, I must embrace both extremes. Light and Dark. Shadow and Sun. Rock n' Roll and Minister.

It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what makes me uniquely me. So much of my unhappiness and pain these last few years has come from trying to please others by being what they want me to be, not fully who I am. And of course, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be unless I had some aspect of that in myself already.

For example, I've talked about how I own a record company, and I've worked in the world of independent punk rock music for the last twenty-five years. This is a very real passion for me, not some passing whim. In college, I fell in love with it to the point where I followed my heart to the crazy places it took me with little regard for finances or stability.

I've also always had a very deep reverence for the earth and her creatures, and strongly believed in "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" credo. I pick up trash when I walk along rivers and streams. I am conscious of the miracle of life, and the beauty of nature and that as humans it is our duty to love and protect these magical spaces. I've also always believed in the connectedness of nature and the Universe, and that there is more to life than what we can see with our eyes.

Now this last part of me I have kept hidden for many years. In the punk rock world, these sorts of  la-la land thoughts are frowned upon and judged as hippy-dippy and not part of "punk rock". So I've kept my beliefs to myself in order to fit in and not have people think I'm weird. Of course the truth is, I AM weird. I'm different. I'm unique. I will never be like anyone else, as much as I want to be. Only now am I realizing that that's O.K., and that that is what makes us humans so much fun to be around.

These last several years, I have gone on a very deep journey within myself to excavate the authentic me that lay hidden beneath the layers of people-pleasing and fear. I love rock n' roll. I love zooming around a lake in a motor boat. I love drag races, and the smell of the fuel and the vibration of the motors as they peel off the starting line. I love hamburgers and french fries and county fairs and the "humanness" of being around people simply enjoying themselves, no matter what they're doing.

I also love being a minister, connecting with God and The Divine and sharing the miracle of life and earth. I love the feeling of the mystical and that there is more to life than what meets the eye. I love organic gardening, and praying, and meditating, and I love teaching others the art of slowing down and looking with in to discover their own authentic passions. I love eating healthy organic produce, and clean water and being kind to others. I love listening to gentle music.

I've struggled these last few years, praying for understanding about how my rock n' roll lifestyle fits in with my spiritual lifestyle. And I finally found my answer.All this is O.K. I don't have to be just one thing or another. This is what makes me a unique spark of light; I am all these different things and passions and interests. I am bringing my authentic self into focus. I am all these things and more, bringing it all back together in to my body and my soul.

My goal is to love my life passionately and to live it fully, experiencing and tasting all aspects of it, not just what I think will be pleasing to others. I have journeyed within to release worry and fear about what others might think of me, and about what I think of me, clearing off the spaces within that have been gummed up with judgement and fear.

This journey within has been a "long and winding road", to quote Paul McCartney leading to the discovery that I really like who I am, right here, right now. Willing to see both the shadows of my being, like my impatience, and perfectionism, and where I judge myself, as well as my light aspects; like my ability to be kind, and loving and treat others with respect. Taking my skills as well as my challenges fully into the light has been the outcome of this journey so far. This is me–all of me, and I offer it out to the world as a gift and an inspiration to go on your own journey to discover and bless your authentic self.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

This last month has been one of struggle. I've been so angry about a series of events that have taken place in my life, I've been unable to express myself the way I really wanted to.

When people behave in a way that you don't think they should, there's nothing you can do. You have to accept individuals will behave how they want, not how you want them to. Likewise, when circumstances in your life are not going the way you want, you need to step back and pray to see what the lesson buried with in it is.

One of my favorite authors is Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. She teaches the "middle way" as a path to discovering an inner awareness, strength and healing. Her book When Things Fall Apart offers this advice:

"The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant with desire for resolution; loneliness, boredom, anxiety (and i'll add here for myself, anger)....we want victory or defeat, praise or blame....we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is....The middle way is wide open, but it's tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. What we want to do is move to the right or the left....We don't want to sit and feel what we feel. Yet the middle way encourages us to do just that. It encourages us to awaken to the bravery that exists in everyone with out exception...."

As a gardener, I've had to sit with this theory in more ways than I can count. You plan, and envision and prepare and get everything just right, and then the exact opposite of what you expected to happen occurs. The seeds don't germinate, the lettuce comes up but the slugs eat it, the color of the flower planted isn't what I expected, the plant dies, and there's no time in the growing season to go back and replace it....

The demand for resolution rears it's ugly head and there's nothing I can do except sit with it and allow it to be what it is. I have to just look at the lesson of frustration, loss, destruction or whatever is occurring at that moment and just let it go. It is what it is.

This last month, when I experienced attack and hostility on a scale unlike anything else I've experienced in my life, my initial reaction was to lash out, to tell those people how messed up and wrong they were, and to try to show them just how infantile they were by throwing anger and hostility back at them. I wanted to prove I was superior to them in every way by defending myself and proving how right I was and how wrong they were.

But a little voice deep down kept saying to me "You accomplish nothing by throwing anger back at them. Just sit with it, and learn the lesson." That's when the parallel between gardening and finding the spiritual path of the middle way popped into my head. The lessons buried in this situation started to bubble up into my conscious awareness.

I don't blame the plants or the wind or the slugs. I take every precaution to prevent certain outcomes in the garden, but in the end, it's going to do what it does. You can build a solid foundation by creating a healthy base for the plants-rich organic soil filled with compost and nutrients, plenty of light and water, and a firm pole to climb up or to support the plants.

But in the end, a plant is a living thing. Soil is a living thing. The surrounding environment is a living thing, and no amount of control can prevent nature from behaving the way nature will behave. All I can do is sit with it, look for the lesson, and apply that information to the next time.

Gardening forces you to surrender to present time. And being fully present is one of the hardest things for us as humans to sit with. Looking at this situation with the people who felt justified in calling me  names and attacking me the way they did, all I can do is sit with it in present time, and try to be in the middle. Neither becoming aggressor or victim, but simply seeing that they will behave the way they feel they must, and no amount of anger or frustration on my part will change that. All I can do is find the humor, accept that their truth is for them, not for me, and move on. Engaging and trying to be victor just perpetuates the drama, and it is the drama that is causing pain.

Forces move in and out of our lives on a daily basis. Nature is in flux constantly, perpetually. It is neither wrong nor right. Just as I trust I have created a healthy foundation for the plants to bury their roots deep into the rich soil and grow big enough that a little nibble from a snail won't decimate the entire structure of the plant, I trust I am doing the same for my spirit. There's always another lesson around the corner.

Awaken to the bravery buried deep with in you. Practicing the middle way, whether it's gardening or fighting can be life changing in enhancing and deepening your spiritual health and awareness.

Being honest with ourselves is probably one of the hardest things for humans. There's always reasons and excuses about why we can't move forward, why we are stuck, why we can't do and achieve the things we long to do.

But the truth is, we create those limits for ourselves. I often hear clients say, "I'd do this BUT, I don't have enough time, money, help, experience...".Blah blah blah....insert whatever excuse you want here. But the truth really is that you've created a block to not take a step forward. No one else does that to you, you do it to yourself. You have no one else to blame but yourself for the place you're at right now.

Now I'm not trying to be mean here or judge you or critique you. I'm simply stating a fact. And I know this because I do it to myself all the time, but am only just now starting to see the repercussions in my own life. 

I discovered this quite by accident. I've been doing alot of work on getting honest with myself about my self-made limiting beliefs of what I can and can't do. I've really worked hard to be truthful with myself about where I place limits on what I can have and create in my life. I have been stuck in this cycle of lack for a long long time, but every time I think I've finally healed, and moved past it, something would smack me upside the head, and I'd be right back in that limiting place: I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not creative enough, my boyfriend and family won't let me do this, I don't have enough experience, education, resources....blah blah blah! ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! When will it stop!? I'm so done with these limiting beliefs! I want to shine and thrive!!

Recently, some friends hired me to redesign their backyard for them. I'm thrilled-it's exactly the type of garden work I love! They want a backyard that is filled with native, water-wise plants that attract birds, butterflies, beneficial insects, hummingbirds and all God's wonderful creatures. This is the sort of gardening that I wish everyone would do! Of course I told them yes, I can help them. I went to their garden to  see what I had to work with, and I was so excited. There was so much potential there, once the overgrown foliage had been cleared out!

 I didn't have to do the work; they already had someone to do the labor.
All I had to do was come up with the design and plant list! However, I could feel the fear start to creep in as I spoke with them, and I started looking at all the excuses that were popping up in my mind about why I shouldn't take this job: I never got my landscape architect degree, I don't have the experience or skills to create what they want, I don't have the resources to put in the hard-scape, it's gonna be really expensive and maybe they won't have the budget to pull off this job....blah blah blah! I could see they were starting to get frustrated with me, and I was starting to get frustrated with myself.

I left their house petrified out of my mind. Oh my God, I can't do this! What was I thinking!!?? This is an enormous job, and there's no way I can pull this off. I better call and tell them to find someone else....wham! There were those limits and excuses, again, hitting me square in the face.

I was so tired when I got home, all I could do was go sit in a sea-salt bath and pray for guidance. I could see the limits in my space, but wasn't sure how to move past them. I went to bed and decided I'd look at these pictures again when I woke up.

I woke up with an answer about what was going on. Yes, I had done a tremendous amount of work, clearing my own fears, limits and insecurities. But because I was so used to limiting myself, I put my pictures of lack and limit in the energetic fields of the people around me. So that when I started to move past my own limits, I'd bump into them again, reflected back to me from the people I loved! Those weren't their beliefs, those were mine!! And so the cycle would start over again. Of course I could never get away from these limits because I was constantly bumping into them outside of my space, thinking they were what other people thought of me and my skills, when in fact it was my own beliefs. I created my own prison.

Are you starting to get the picture here? We create our own self-fulfilling experiences of failure and lack by unconsciously giving other people the power, thinking it's their judgements when in fact, it's really our own, put outside of our consciousness, to reflect back to us when we start to move beyond our comfort zone of what we think we can have or do or be.

We assume our loved ones won't let us fly, when the truth is, it's our own fears and insecurities limiting us. We simply don't own it for ourselves because that kind of truth is pretty hard to swallow.

Think back on the last time you really just went for it and didn't worry about what you thought you could do, or not do. When you totally trusted yourself and your inner knowing. For me, there's two distinct time periods that pop into my mind: when I was 11 and when I was 18.

At 11 years old, I was a strange kid. I admit it! I totally marched to the beat of my own drummer and didn't think twice about what anyone else around me thought or did. I fully listened to my inner voice and followed my creative ideals. I was obsessed with the Little House on the Prairie
books, and got my mom to make me a pinafore and sunbonnet set, which I wore to school all the time. I still remember my teacher, Mr. Ricci, looking at me like I was nuts, but I was so certain about what I wanted to do, I didn't worry about it. I took my sunbonnet off, and hung it up on the hook every day, just like Laura Ingalls Wilder. I remember my mom and brothers and sisters begging me to not wear that stupid sunbonnet everywhere I went, but I didn't listen to them. It made me happy and that was all that mattered! Eventually, I grew out of that phase, but I still remember how much pleasure it brought me to totally trust myself and what I wanted and to do it with totally faith and confidence!

When I was 18, it was a very similar thing. I had some deep strong inner knowing that I was powerful beyond belief, and I could make a difference in the world. I started a recycling program at the high school (this was way before it was an accepted thing) and put recycle boxes I had made in every class room. I went around once a week and collected the recycling and regularly shared with students and teachers what could and could not be put in those boxes! People thought I was nuts, but they humored me and started recycling.

I became vegetarian, long before it was an accepted practice, and of course my family and friends were stunned and totally didn't understand me at all! But it didn't matter, I knew it was what I needed to do for myself, and I didn't cave into the pressure around me. Eventually I stopped being vegetarian, guided by my body as to what I needed, and I didn't question it. I entered college that fall and took graduate level classes because they interested me, not caring that my advisor said the classes were too advanced for me. I excelled at them because it was what I wanted to do! That summer, I became the head dinner cook at a field station in Eastern Oregon, Malheur Field Station, planning all the menus, doing all the shopping and doing all the cooking, sometimes for up to 200 people. It never occurred to me I couldn't do it. I had such a strong inner knowing and confidence I just figured it out and I loved it!

I don't know why that confidence went away, why I started limiting myself and my abilities. It doesn't really matter. It's taken me 30 years to finally realize that I've created this prison of limiting beliefs for myself by expecting eveyone around me to hold those same limiting beliefs. And now that I've finally gotten to the truth for myself, I am ready to move past these excuses and step into my power.

Yes, I am fully capable of creating miracles and joy and abundance and wonderful new opportunities to grow and expand my life. I own the truth that I created the excuses to limit myself, and now I'm owning that I can destroy those limits. I'm ready to fly high. And so can you.

I had a pretty rough week. It was recently my birthday and that always triggers some pain and self-reflection.

Growing up in a family of seven kids, it was tough to get enough attention sometimes. Being third oldest meant that I just had to suck it up and accept that most of the time, I had to be my own cheerleader.

But on our birthday, that was our day, our own special day, where we got to choose what we would eat for breakfast and have for our own special dinner. We got to choose our own cake and ice cream and even were allowed to have soda pop for dinner, a rare treat! Because there were so many of us, we rarely had birthday parties with friends over; it was usually just a family celebration. But being born the day after Valentine's Day meant that usually my birthday got lumped in with that holiday, so I rare ever got to celebrate my birthday on my day.

As I grew up, this became increasingly important to me. I was tired of boyfriends squishing Valentine's Day in with my birthday, and began demanding that they forget about Valentine's Day all together, and just concentrate on doing something special for MY day!! What about me?! All that unhealed childhood stuff would flood out, every single year.

This year, I threw myself a party (on my birthday i might add), and it was wonderful. I had a few close girlfriends over for dinner. I cooked and they provided dessert. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself. But I wasn't able to avoid the painful memories that always get triggered for me around my birthday.

It's inevitable that I go back and start looking at my life: where I am now, what I've done since my last birthday, the changes I've made, the healing and awareness I've achieved....It's also inevitable that some feelings of competition come up for me. I start judging myself and comparing where I am to where my friends are at and what they've accomplished with their lives. And when I measure myself up against others, I always come up short. My positive attitude and feeling of joy at all I've accomplished goes right out the window. Oh dear.... here we go again!

I woke up this morning with the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" (Wilson/Asher) in my head. I love this song!

"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you"

When I wake up with a song in my mind, there's usually a lesson there that has come to me while my conscious mind is relaxing, and the subconscious has a chance to get a word in.

I was mystified at first, but as I sat and sang the song to myself, and asked Spirit for clarity, it slowly dawned on me. All the competition I've been creating for myself this last week was really a cry from my soul for love and acceptance of myself, exactly where I am today, at this moment. I'm not like anyone else on the face of this planet, and my inevitable comparisons of my life with my friends, measuring where I am against where they are is a sign that I need to love myself a little bit more than I've been doing.

It's normal to feel "less than" when we put our own life up against other peoples' lives. But as a unique spark of Divine Light, we all grow, change, learn and expand in different ways. Just like the flowers around us. No flower pops up the same as any other flower in the garden, even if they're the same species. There's no judgement from God or the earth or sun; it's just the way it is. Every single thing in nature is unique, us included.

Learning to love one's self, exactly as you are in present time, is the key to being happy, no matter what your life circumstances are. I've always been a "late bloomer". I've always come to things in my own time, and my own way, and it should be no surprise to me then that where I am in life right now is right for me, just as where my friends and family are right now is right for them. As long as there are stars above me, I'll make myself so proud of me....God only knows where I'd be without me.....

I had to laugh as I typed those last few lines. It's totally true. I'm here to express my own unique take on living, being, expressing, creating, exploring and sharing. I can only do it the way that makes sense to me, not how anyone else does it. Just like in childhood, I have to be my own best cheerleader, because everyone else is busy with their own lives.

I get to practice knowing that how I create and what I do won't be like anyone else, and that's ok too. So what if I'm just figuring it all out now? There's no rule that mandates we have our shit together before we turn 50. We get it together when the timing is right for us, no sooner, no later, and certainly not in a way that anyone else would do it.

I hope my little ah-ha moment around my birthday is helpful to you. Look where you may be frustrated with your self for not accomplishing more. Where are you going into competition with friends or family? Let that be your mirror that it's time to back off, and start loving and accepting yourself a little bit more. Start being your own cheerleader! And don't forget to laugh; laughter makes it all a little bit more bearable.

It's winter, and like most gardeners, I'm going crazy. I long to be outside, breathing the fresh air, soaking up the sunshine and the rich smell of the fertile earth, lost to oblivion as I nurture my plants.

But it's so cold, the thought of going outside literally sends shivers up my spine. The plants are dormant right now, the earth is resting and it is a time for going within. While you can't see it, the plants are taking advantage of this down time to do some internal growth of their own. Roots are stretching deep into the soil, taking advantage of the extra moisture and nutrients all the rain has brought to them, surrounding them and bathing them in a rich brine of nitrogen, phosphorus, and potassium, essential building blocks for healthy plants.

When plants go dormant, all the sugars and nutrients stored in the leaves and the stems goes back to the roots to support this burst of growth that is occurring  in the depths of the dark soil during these winter months.

This is the perfect time to prune your plants. By cutting back all the extra growth that was put out during the warm months, you actually benefit your plants in many ways.

When you cut off stems and branches, you trigger the release of hormones in the plant's growing points which allow it to branch out, grow stronger, fuller and more healthy and robust. You can also use pruning to help guide and shape your plants into more beneficial growth patterns, opening them up to extra sunshine and air circulation. Maybe a wayward stem grew off to the an awkward angle, away from the main body of the plant. You can take this opportunity to remove it and shape your plant into a more cohesive balanced structure.

By removing dead, diseased or broken stems, you give the plant a healthy starting point to grow from when it starts unfurling new growth in the early spring.

Humans are so much like plants in this manner. The winter months are the perfect time to prune out what is no longer working in your life. As you clear old beliefs, old patterns, habits, and thoughts, you clear the old branches that no longer serve you as your reach for a healthy new beginning.

This is the perfect time to clear closets, kitchen cabinets, and hidden dark corners under the stairs and bathroom sinks. I know how scary it is to begin pruning. You need the right tools for the job, and you need courage and faith to begin making those cuts. Sometimes it seems so extreme, maybe too extreme and you want to stop. What on earth am I doing? You decide to leave a branch untouched, uncertain whether that branch will actually benefit the plant with a flower, uncertain whether that beautiful outfit you spent hundreds of dollars on will actually be something you'll want to wear this year.

If you're unclear, don't touch it. Only when you can cut with certainty and confidence should you remove the branch, or donate that dress. If there are twinges of fear, there's a reason why you're holding onto it, and it needs to have a little more exploration and thought before you make that cut.

But more forward in faith. Just as cutting back your roses encourages a burst of new blooms in the springtime, so too does clearing our your closets have a beneficial effect on your growth as a human. You can't bring in more if you have no place to put it. You can't be open to the new if you're surrounded by the old and broken, fearful that if you let it go, nothing will take it's place and there will be an empty hole. But that's the point.

You want to create the empty hole so you can be filled with new growth! Just like with roses, fruit trees and perennials, if you don't clear out old growth and cut back, you cannot create room for bigger and healthier fruits and flowers.

So take heart, have courage and faith, and pick up those pruners. Make one or two gentle cuts a day. Step back and look at your work, and as you gain confidence, move forward, knowing you're helping your spirit to grow stronger, healthier and bloom vigorously! And if it doesn't feel right, trust it and put it aside. Wait to make that cut until you understand what the message is. Your body, just like the plant, will always tell you. You just have to be patient and notice.

When you have cut away all you can, your life, just like a pruned rose bush, may look stark and bleak. But without doubt, new growth will emerge, and it will surprise you with how quickly those empty spaces fill in.