It was a blast!! I never realized motorized vessels could be so much fun, but there it was.
I wrestled with my internal judge: "Motor boats are bad for the environment! They're bad for the water and the fish, and they disrupt the stillness and beauty of God's creation!" And the other part of me was saying "Wow, this is so much fun! It's so exciting and invigorating, and I want to go faster and faster and feel the spray of the water on my face!"
In the end, I just let go and enjoyed myself, and pushed all those judgements and voices aside until I was able to look at them in a more neutral setting during my meditation this morning. And here's what I found: I have discovered my authentic self has some very polar opposites inherent in my being, and that to really heal myself and to be all I can be, I must embrace both extremes. Light and Dark. Shadow and Sun. Rock n' Roll and Minister.
It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what makes me uniquely me. So much of my unhappiness and pain these last few years has come from trying to please others by being what they want me to be, not fully who I am. And of course, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be unless I had some aspect of that in myself already.
For example, I've talked about how I own a record company, and I've worked in the world of independent punk rock music for the last twenty-five years. This is a very real passion for me, not some passing whim. In college, I fell in love with it to the point where I followed my heart to the crazy places it took me with little regard for finances or stability.
I've also always had a very deep reverence for the earth and her creatures, and strongly believed in "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" credo. I pick up trash when I walk along rivers and streams. I am conscious of the miracle of life, and the beauty of nature and that as humans it is our duty to love and protect these magical spaces. I've also always believed in the connectedness of nature and the Universe, and that there is more to life than what we can see with our eyes.
Now this last part of me I have kept hidden for many years. In the punk rock world, these sorts of la-la land thoughts are frowned upon and judged as hippy-dippy and not part of "punk rock". So I've kept my beliefs to myself in order to fit in and not have people think I'm weird. Of course the truth is, I AM weird. I'm different. I'm unique. I will never be like anyone else, as much as I want to be. Only now am I realizing that that's O.K., and that that is what makes us humans so much fun to be around.
These last several years, I have gone on a very deep journey within myself to excavate the authentic me that lay hidden beneath the layers of people-pleasing and fear. I love rock n' roll. I love zooming around a lake in a motor boat. I love drag races, and the smell of the fuel and the vibration of the motors as they peel off the starting line. I love hamburgers and french fries and county fairs and the "humanness" of being around people simply enjoying themselves, no matter what they're doing.
I also love being a minister, connecting with God and The Divine and sharing the miracle of life and earth. I love the feeling of the mystical and that there is more to life than what meets the eye. I love organic gardening, and praying, and meditating, and I love teaching others the art of slowing down and looking with in to discover their own authentic passions. I love eating healthy organic produce, and clean water and being kind to others. I love listening to gentle music.
I've struggled these last few years, praying for understanding about how my rock n' roll lifestyle fits in with my spiritual lifestyle. And I finally found my answer.All this is O.K. I don't have to be just one thing or another. This is what makes me a unique spark of light; I am all these different things and passions and interests. I am bringing my authentic self into focus. I am all these things and more, bringing it all back together in to my body and my soul.
My goal is to love my life passionately and to live it fully, experiencing and tasting all aspects of it, not just what I think will be pleasing to others. I have journeyed within to release worry and fear about what others might think of me, and about what I think of me, clearing off the spaces within that have been gummed up with judgement and fear.
This journey within has been a "long and winding road", to quote Paul McCartney leading to the discovery that I really like who I am, right here, right now. Willing to see both the shadows of my being, like my impatience, and perfectionism, and where I judge myself, as well as my light aspects; like my ability to be kind, and loving and treat others with respect. Taking my skills as well as my challenges fully into the light has been the outcome of this journey so far. This is me–all of me, and I offer it out to the world as a gift and an inspiration to go on your own journey to discover and bless your authentic self.