There are days I wake up and I wonder what the point is. I've been on the spiritual path for years, and sometimes I feel I've made great strides in changing my life for the better.

Other times, like today, it feels all so familiar. I've been here before, struggling with the same issues, the same problems and insecurities, repeating the same process over and over and over again. Praying to God and my angels and guides for help, direction, guidance I can easily understand, but which somehow continues to elude me.

Money, weight, relationships, finding my authentic voice...these themes repeat over and over and over again. There are times I can see how far I've come. And then there are days where it feels like nothing has changed; I'm back at square one, struggling all over again as if it was the first time.

We recently learned of the suicide of actor/comedian Robin Williams at age 63. He hung himself, choosing to end his life to get out of the pain and struggle he had been in for much of his life. Despite all his worldly success as a famous Hollywood actor, lots of money, a nice house, a loving wife and kids, and millions of fans around the world, this is a man who struggled with pain and demons none of us can really understand.

In spite of all the outwards signs of a great life, he chose to exit this plane of existence. I don't know if it was in his life plan that this was how things would end. We all make a plan before we take a body on the lessons we want to work in this lifetime, and how we will leave the body when the lessons have been completed.

But we're also give "exit points" along the way, so if things go terribly wrong or we get so far off our path we have to just stop and start over again, we can make that choice. I don't know if this was one of Robin's exit point opportunities and he chose to take it, leaving the body behind so he could go back to heaven to meet with his team of guides and come up with a new plan to work his lessons, or if this was how it was all meant to end, and he did in fact work through his lessons and it was time to move on.

Maybe this was the plan he created as spirit before taking a body, to experience suicide and work that lesson of loss and survival. Maybe it was ultimately his life purpose to raise awareness of the issue of depression and suicide and how much it impacts us.

Or maybe he was done taking bodies, working his lessons here on the dense physical matter of earth, and he's graduated now to to the next higher plane where he will continue working as spirit, guiding those of us still left on earth working our own lessons. Only Robin, his guides and his Creator know for sure.

All I know for myself is I must keep going. I still have a lot left to learn and experience. I still haven't worked through my lessons. And days like today show me this. So I pray for help, I take a deep breath, and I greet the day, knowing this is part of my journey to experience doubt and frustration.

I turn 50 on Saturday, Feb. 15, 2014. It's hard to believe. I always thought 50 was so old and I would probably not live that long, considering all the crazy things I did when I was younger.

But here it is, and I am welcoming this transition with open arms. It feels like I am entering my second act, a chance to create my life according to my dreams and deepest instincts.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know these last few years have been a tremendously painful, introspective time of healing, clearing and rediscovering my authentic voice.

Part of this process has been discovering what playing means to me as an adult. As children, it's so natural. Imagining, creating, laughing, being silly....I don't know about you, but I never thought twice about doing the things I thought would be fun to do when I was younger. I trusted my inner voice and my instincts in all ways.

The picture on this blog post is me at about 2 years old. Look at that blow up duck I've got around my neck. I remember that duck to this day. I loved that toy! See the deflated balloon hanging down from it's head? Despite the fact that it is popped, I left it there because it felt right. And of course, I'm stark naked. I remember how good it felt! And me striding forward with certainty, oblivious to the funny sight I created for those watching. There is another picture of my family all looking at me with incredulous expressions on their faces. I remember the feeling of not caring one bit what everyone thought. I was following my truth, my heart, and it felt great! My family likes to pull this picture out and tease me, but I love this picture! It so perfectly captures how sure I was as a child, about playing and about following my instincts.

I asked my boyfriend Bill to take0 me sledding yesterday to celebrate my birthday. I knew with out a doubt that that's exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I knew it would be fun, and as we drove up to the mountains, holding our puppy Dooly on my lap, I imagined how much fun it was going to be, watching Dooly experience snow for the first time, and taking him on the sled with me. I saw in my mind's eye playing in that snow, having a snowball fight, getting wet and cold and feeling exhilarated with the pure pleasure of laughing and playing like a little kid again.

And it was exactly how I imagined it would be. Spending the day that way was pure bliss, and so healing! I would find a hill that looked like it would be a good sledding hill, and I just went for it, despite Bill's trepidations about it being too steep or too close to trees that I could run into. I knew with out one doubt in my mind that I would be fine and it would be hilarious, and so time and again, I went for it, despite his worries I might get hurt. I trusted my instincts and I was rewarded with a delightful slide down a steep hill, ending with me tumbling into the snow, laughing hysterically, with the puppy bouncing around me licking my face. I haven't had this much fun since we first discovered water parks a few years ago!

Bill got into the spirit of things and joined in the fun, and it ended up being a magical day for both of us. Afterwards, we headed to the lodge at Boreal to get a little snack, and I chose chicken fingers. It may sound like a little thing, but we had originally decided french fries would be our snack, but when I saw the chicken fingers, I knew that would fit the bill much better. I didn't question myself, I just ordered, and again was rewarded with how delicious they were and how perfectly those chicken fingers hit the spot!

Learning to trust my inner voice again in these small ways is a gift of epic proportions. Each time I follow my instincts with out fear or questioning, I am rewarded with how good it feels, and how right on the money those actions are. The result is exactly how I see it in my mind, and a reminder that we each have our own internal GPS system called our inner voice, guiding us to the right path, choice or action. We just have to listen, trust and follow that instinct. It is our authentic voice. The last time most of us trusted it was when we were very small, like me in this picture.

But as adults, we can have this for ourselves everyday. Listen within. Trust those instincts. They may be guiding you to buy that fabulous purple scarf, or take a class, or try photography or gardening. Or to order chicken fingers instead of french fries! Trust your instincts, and be rewarded and delighted with the outcome of how good it feels!

I dreamed last night that I was spinning around and around, high up in the air.

Swirling around me were little pieces of all the stuff I wanted for myself in my life: financial stability, love, meaningful relationships, peace, harmony, a career that made my heart sing, making a difference in the world, health, wellness, balance, magic, miracles and gifts of wonder and delight....

The list went on and on, and I could see each piece spinning around and around me, floating in the air above, below and every where I looked. And suddenly, I saw the image of me reaching my hand out and plucking one of those pieces right out of thin air, and placing it on a table next to me.

I laughed with delight and reached and grabbed and placed those pieces, one right after the other, no limits, no fear, no worries, just grabbing and placing each piece until I could see a picture was forming, like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. And that picture was the life I dreamed of creating for myself. As I grabbed each piece, I slowly came back to earth and stopped spinning, no longer dizzy with wanting and reaching. I was grounded.

I had the power, I had the ability. All I had to do was see it, imagine it, reach out and take it, and add it to the puzzle. That was the message.

I woke up from this dream knowing this is exactly how one goes about creating the life one dreams of: you simply have to be grounded, and clear in what you want, picture it in your head and go for it.

We are all born with wings, with the ability to fly high and shine bright. We simply have to reach out and take it with joy and love and certainty in our hearts.

These last couple of months have been very difficult for me. All the rushing around and effort I expended led me to stop my self care routine of meditation, healing, getting plenty of rest and balancing my work with play. In the end, my body was so run down and depleted, I got sick. It's taken me almost two months to move through this growth period and get back to a more balanced place of health and wellness.

Through this process, I struggled with accepting where I was so I could heal, vs. forcing my self to get to where I wanted to be. And finally, this morning, I surrendered. By surrendering and accepting one's  circumstances, it immediately brings one right into present time, back from the regrets of the past and the what ifs of the future.

Only by acknowledging what is is one able to change. I'm self employed, and the worry about money and paying my bills is constant. But I chose
this! It didn't just happen to me. This uncertainty is part of my daily scenery. So I surrendered and accepted. This is where I am at right now. I only have so much energy to spend each day creating opportunities to bring financial flow into my life. I can only do a certain number of tasks today. And that's ok. Tomorrow always brings more opportunities.

Surrender and acceptance go hand in hand. The act of surrendering has always gotten a bad rap. People think it's giving up, but it's not! Until you surrender to what is, you can never accept it! And if you don't accept it, you can't change it. You will always be in resistance to what you don't accept. And resistance sets up the energetic equivalent of a police barricade: Nothing Can Cross This Line! Which means you are blocking out the assistance of the Universe, your angels and any other divine force from helping you shift your life for the better.Resistance comes from a place of fear, of not knowing.

Fear is irrational, but it stops you dead in your tracks. Like a frightened horse that refuses to move forward, that fear is irrational, but it feels very real.

I recently watched this amazing documentary Wild Horse, Wild Ride about rounding up wild mustangs and gentling them down to make them ready for adoption. One of the trainers put a blindfold over the horse's eyes to help create trust. That horse had no choice but to trust the trainer to lead him forward safely. Only when that horse surrendered, accepted his circumstances and opened his heart to trusting the trainer was he able to move forward. He was led over a bridge, and down a slight incline by that trainer, and little by little that horse began to trust the trainer and have faith that he would be safe. He surrendered, accepted and opened his heart up to what is and could then move forward.

It was a beautiful thing to see, and such a reflection of where I am right now. Surrender the fear and resistance. Accept my present circumstances; this is what is right now. And then trust that when the time is right, a window will open, a pathway will clear, leading me forward, safely, to what is coming next.

When we make the commitment to change our lives for the better, often times things get worse before they get better. This is because there is so much old junk to clear out that a little turbulence may be in order to really get you to let go of it.

I have commited to finding more peace, serenity, joy and abundance in my life, but when I openeed that door, I had very little idea about what that would entail.

Through bankruptcy, the dissolution of a business, a physical move, gut-wrenching lack, and a myriad of other challenges, my life has slowly shifted to the point where I woke up this morning with my heart overflowing with gratitude at all the abundance that surrounds me at this present moment of time.

Everything is shifting, changing and moving and it feels very good, but also sometimes very scary. But I know in my heart if I just stay centered and grounded I will flow through these changes effortlessly. It feels like I'm on those moving stairs in a Harry Potter movie, where all of the sudden the staircases start moving and rearranging themselves while Harry is in the process of ascending them. Notice in the movie, he doesn't bat an eye, but stays still until the moving stops, and then continues up the stairs!

When I am in the midst of turmoil, I close my eyes and look at all the abundance surrounding me, and I am amazed at how rich my life is. I feel so blessed! I am so in love with my life now and the people in it! I am amazed at the riches that surround me: baskets full of lush ripe heirloom organic tomatoes, crisp cucumbers, peppers of all flavors and Asian eggplants, hanging heavy from the bush like little Christmas tree ornaments, emerald-green zucchinis, fresh herbs and rich golden olive oil drizzled over it all, sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper to add a little spice.

All this set within a heavenly setting of bright colorful flowers, dancing butterflies and darting hummingbirds. My little pond is filled with jewel-toned koi fish, and my sweet little puppy Dooly is right by my side, tugging at my bathrobe this morning wanting a little love and attention. The love of my life is asleep in the next room, safe and healthy.

I am so blessed by the Grace of God that surrounds me in all these instances, it makes me want to weep with gratitude as I look back at the mine-field I've walked across. Life really is a miracle and I open my arms to embrace it fully, to savor the rich textures, smells, colors and flavors all snuggled with in this moment in time.

I love my gentle morning ritual of going within, and tapping into my inner source, my voice and validating these experiences by writing them down. When I hit that inevitable turbulence, I have proof things were absolutely 100% wonderful not just a few short hours or days previously. I wrote it down right in the midst of experiencing it! It must be true since I was feeling it at the time because there it is in black and white right on the page in front of me!

When those trying times come and the worry starts to creep back in, I can read those words and know that peace and tranquility will be mine again soon enough. I simply need to sit still and find the eye of the hurricane where stillness resides, and take no action until the storm has passed. And just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I am able to stand up, dust myself off, push away the wreckage surrounding me, and step back into my sparkling clear world again, grateful I am unharmed in any way, that the fear has passed and I am safe.

When I know this is how it always works out, it is easier to be still while the hurricane is ravaging my life. A rainbow always appears after the storm.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

This last month has brought an innumerable amount of changes into my life, including a new puppy, as well as the decision to sell my house.

Being human, resisting changes is pretty normal. Change is scary and unsettling, and by definition completely unknown. Even is something isn't working in our lives, we're used to it, and that feels safe, even if we know it isn't right. So we keep doing the same thing over and over, day in and day out, because we're too afraid to take a chance, and God forbid, experience CHANGE, and the UNKNOWN! Laugh out loud at this one my friends (LOL), we've all been here right?

The lyrics from David Bowie's Changes are so appropriate when we hit this place: we know we need to change, but are in resistance to it:

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

We long for something better in our lives: more money, more peace, greater happiness and serenity, deeper connections, passionate love.... but until you turn inside to face yourself, you will never have what you're looking for. Our normal reaction is to reach for something on the surface to fill the need for something better and more satisfying in our lives: we eat to stuff down these feelings, or we go shopping, or we pick a fight, or we sit and watch T.V., or drink, or take drugs, or whatever....the list is endless of the things we do to keep from looking within to see what our Spirit is suggesting we do to change our lives for the better.

For me, it has been running around like a crazy person this whole last month, scheduling activities and meetings and projects back to back, creating a wall of non-stop action to keep from looking with in. What is it I was avoiding, and was in resistance too? Fear of taking the next step on my path of healing. I finally was too pooped to party any more, and my body was giving me clues that if I didn't stop and do some soul-searching, it would make me take a break by getting sick.

So I stopped everything except listening within to see what I needed, and what changes I was ready to embrace. One of those was opening my heart again to a small little furry puppy named Dooly. I have held so much grief around the passing of the last animal in my life, I was not able to open my heart again. I didn't want to be hurt that way again. But what I had forgotten was the immense amount of joy a little animal can bring into one's life, and the laughter! I have been forced to start playing again in totally silly ways, entertaining this little guy because that's what he wants to do. And it's been fun!! Yes, it's been alot of work too, and I'm a little sleep deprived, but mostly, I've just been having fun with no attachment to outcome.

That's the other insight that came to me as I took a step back: releasing my attachment to the outcome. We never know how things are going to work out when we open the door to allow changes into our lives, but that's where faith comes in. Releasing your attachment to how you expect things to work out opens the door for miracles and our highest good to flow into our lives. I'm not God, and I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I'm willing to move forward in faith that it's all gonna turn out O.K. Probably not at all the way I expected it to, but as I release my attachment to the outcome it doesn't matter. What I know is that I have faith it's going to turn out exactly as it's supposed to in order to allow me to keep moving forward, experiencing changes, new lessons, new insights, growth and healing. And ultimately, a lot more joy, which is what I pray for on a daily basis.

Where are you resisting change in your own life? Where are you holding onto an attachment to the outcome of a project or decision? Today, practice letting go of that attachment to how you'd like things to turn out, and trust it will all work out for your highest good. Open your heart, and maybe something wonderful, like a small furry puppy, will come into your life.

This last month has been one of struggle. I've been so angry about a series of events that have taken place in my life, I've been unable to express myself the way I really wanted to.

When people behave in a way that you don't think they should, there's nothing you can do. You have to accept individuals will behave how they want, not how you want them to. Likewise, when circumstances in your life are not going the way you want, you need to step back and pray to see what the lesson buried with in it is.

One of my favorite authors is Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. She teaches the "middle way" as a path to discovering an inner awareness, strength and healing. Her book When Things Fall Apart offers this advice:

"The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant with desire for resolution; loneliness, boredom, anxiety (and i'll add here for myself, anger)....we want victory or defeat, praise or blame....we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is....The middle way is wide open, but it's tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. What we want to do is move to the right or the left....We don't want to sit and feel what we feel. Yet the middle way encourages us to do just that. It encourages us to awaken to the bravery that exists in everyone with out exception...."

As a gardener, I've had to sit with this theory in more ways than I can count. You plan, and envision and prepare and get everything just right, and then the exact opposite of what you expected to happen occurs. The seeds don't germinate, the lettuce comes up but the slugs eat it, the color of the flower planted isn't what I expected, the plant dies, and there's no time in the growing season to go back and replace it....

The demand for resolution rears it's ugly head and there's nothing I can do except sit with it and allow it to be what it is. I have to just look at the lesson of frustration, loss, destruction or whatever is occurring at that moment and just let it go. It is what it is.

This last month, when I experienced attack and hostility on a scale unlike anything else I've experienced in my life, my initial reaction was to lash out, to tell those people how messed up and wrong they were, and to try to show them just how infantile they were by throwing anger and hostility back at them. I wanted to prove I was superior to them in every way by defending myself and proving how right I was and how wrong they were.

But a little voice deep down kept saying to me "You accomplish nothing by throwing anger back at them. Just sit with it, and learn the lesson." That's when the parallel between gardening and finding the spiritual path of the middle way popped into my head. The lessons buried in this situation started to bubble up into my conscious awareness.

I don't blame the plants or the wind or the slugs. I take every precaution to prevent certain outcomes in the garden, but in the end, it's going to do what it does. You can build a solid foundation by creating a healthy base for the plants-rich organic soil filled with compost and nutrients, plenty of light and water, and a firm pole to climb up or to support the plants.

But in the end, a plant is a living thing. Soil is a living thing. The surrounding environment is a living thing, and no amount of control can prevent nature from behaving the way nature will behave. All I can do is sit with it, look for the lesson, and apply that information to the next time.

Gardening forces you to surrender to present time. And being fully present is one of the hardest things for us as humans to sit with. Looking at this situation with the people who felt justified in calling me  names and attacking me the way they did, all I can do is sit with it in present time, and try to be in the middle. Neither becoming aggressor or victim, but simply seeing that they will behave the way they feel they must, and no amount of anger or frustration on my part will change that. All I can do is find the humor, accept that their truth is for them, not for me, and move on. Engaging and trying to be victor just perpetuates the drama, and it is the drama that is causing pain.

Forces move in and out of our lives on a daily basis. Nature is in flux constantly, perpetually. It is neither wrong nor right. Just as I trust I have created a healthy foundation for the plants to bury their roots deep into the rich soil and grow big enough that a little nibble from a snail won't decimate the entire structure of the plant, I trust I am doing the same for my spirit. There's always another lesson around the corner.

Awaken to the bravery buried deep with in you. Practicing the middle way, whether it's gardening or fighting can be life changing in enhancing and deepening your spiritual health and awareness.

Lessons come to us in many different ways.

Sometimes they come gently, with an awareness that blows into our lives like a gentle spring breeze.

Sometimes they come to us in joy and exuberance; having an experience filled with such pleasure and laughter, you know you totally made the right decision!

And sometimes, lessons arrive shrouded in pain, dark clouds, misery, and heartbreaking disappointment. However the lessons arrive, our job as spirit having a human experience is to notice, become aware, and learn to receive the lessons that we decided to learn long before we took a body to experience them.

We all have many lessons we need to learn, and we can tell this if situations keep coming up over and over and over again with the same outcome. A lesson I have struggled to learn is how to receive. Another lesson is "Letting Go and Letting God."

What does that mean? The two are inseparably intertwined in my life. As an out of control "people pleaser"  I have lived by the words of the infamous Jeff Spiccoli from the movie Fast Times At Ridgemont High, "I can fix it man, I have some tools!" In this particular scene, he has just crashed a very expensive car, and it's totally banged up, but being the optimist, he's sure with just a little banging and pushing, he can make the car good as new!

How many of you live like this? Feeling responsible and ever-optimistic that despite the dire circumstances surrounding you, you can make it better? It's really laughable now as I stand back and realize how obviously naive I am. There is a lesson here, and "fixing it" is not the lesson, no matter how often I am faced with this same scenario.

One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. By this definition, I am totally, completely insane.

I've been on the spiritual path to consciously heal myself for about ten years now. Despite the numerous classes, seminars, books, and whatever else I've engaged in, the lesson of "letting go and letting God" has eluded me, as has the lesson of receiving the good that I so long for.

It really boils down to one universal law that I also struggle with: Everything in Divine Perfect Timing.

Up until now, I have pushed pushed pushed to make things happen, to open doors, and to create new experiences for myself. It's been painful, and cumbersome and sometimes downright overwhelming. And most of the time, I'm completely exhausted by the end of one of these episodes.

There are the rare times when I've had an idea of something I wanted to do and experience and everything just flowed effortlessly and easily, and it's been a delightful experience, leaving me feeling vibrant and alive at the end of it. This is a really big clue!!

When you're forcing and pushing and trying to make things happen, and the doors remain closed, or the barrier refuses to move, or the situation just won't change the way you want it to, this is a hello from Spirit; the direction you're trying to go isn't right for you at this moment in time. Ding Ding Ding!!

This is when it's time to sit back and release the situation to the Universe, to the ever changing ebb and flow of the cosmic dance that is happening all around us. When you're trying to make something happen, you're coming from fear, not faith and trust and the belief that all will work out for your highest good.

I know this from first hand experience. Lots of doors were opening for me recently. But because I was so afraid to miss an opportunity, I was saying yes to everything, worried that if I didn't I wouldn't be able to pay my bills this month. But the funny thing was, I was overwhelmed and exhausted and completely didn't enjoy all the marvelous opportunities coming to me because I didn't trust myself to choose the right one, and more importantly, I didn't trust that I would receive exactly what I needed if I just relaxed and let go of the pushing and pulling and trying to fix my life and make it better!

Just because you have the tools, or the opportunity, doesn't mean you have to say yes to everything. Sometimes, you just have to say thanks, but not right now, and trust that if it's meant to be in your life, it will come to you again at a better time. This is Divine Perfect Timing in practice.

As spirits in bodies, we have free will. This means that as we check in with our higher self to see if an opportunity is in alignment with our dreams, hopes, gifts and skills, we can choose to experience it or not. It's not up to us to do this for others; they have their own free will to choose what works for them or not.

By letting go, being open to receiving the good that is coming to you all the time, and trusting that Divine Perfect Timing is always in operation, you will learn to flow more effortlessly with life and those around you; chaos will dissipate, and serenity will start being the norm, rather than the exception.

You just need to activate a little faith, trust and being open to receiving the good that is waiting for you. Then be willing to sit back and notice how much more gentle and fun your life can be when you learn to go with the flow.

I had a lovely client come to me recently for guidance. She was in so much pain, it was radiating out of her like heat from a fever. While she felt like she would never feel better, I assured her she would. She looked at me like I was nuts and commented that she longed to be as calm as I was. I told her she had taken the first step on her path to bringing calm and serenity back into her life and that she too would one day feel the peace I feel.

My story is no different than hundreds of others who have gone before me. Amazing people with stories of heartache, destruction, abuse, despair. Somehow, by the Grace of God, I have healed. I have survived. And now, I am on a path of thriving as I help others to find their way as well.

Like many teenagers, I felt I was invincible, powerful and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. Working my way through college, I graduated with honors and set out to explore the world, eager to taste all the treasures and treats that lay before me. I found myself in San Francisco, and fell madly in love with a man whom I can only say I thought was a genius. I was swept off my feet, and nine months later we were married.

Shortly after that, my fairytale romance started to crumble. The man was an alcoholic, and while I knew that, I was certain it wouldn't affect my life. I was that confident that I had everything under control and could handle anything that came my way that I overlooked this seemingly small detail.

The abuse started in very subtle ways. Critiquing my choices of activities and friends. Jealousy and pouting when I would make plans to spend time with friends. Making comments that left me feeling I was not good enough. My strong confidence in myself started to erode, and I found myself giving up my activities, my friends and spending all my time worrying about keeping him happy.

The first time he hit me, I was in shock and denial. It was stupid-he threw the TV remote control at me and hit me square in the face. I had bruises running from my forehead to my chin, and when friends asked about it, I laughed and told them what had happened. The second time he hit me, it was in front of my sister, standing at a bus stop on a busy street in San Francisco. He was drunk and we were arguing, and while I was hurt and angry and pissed off, I made excuses to my sister. The next day he apologized and said it would never happen again, and I believed him.

Three years into our marriage,  I knew I was in hell. I was the sole breadwinner by this time, he having lost his job, and too messed up to go find another one. My days were spent working, coming home, making dinner he wouldn't eat till the next day, afraid I might poison him, so he'd wait to see if I died from the food I ate, and being on edge constantly, wondering when the next outburst would come.

The day I decided to leave him, he called me to tell me he wasn't feeling good and could I come home from work to help him. When I got there, he was vomiting blood. I called for an ambulance and waiting by the door while they worked on him, securing him to a stretcher to move him to the hospital. He had internal bleeding brought on by an extensive amount of alcohol and drugs.

I knew by this time I no longer had control of my life but had no idea what to do. I started seeing a therapist who kept suggesting I was the one with the problem, not him. Again, denial blinded me. I wasn't the drunk. I wasn't the one who wasn't working. I was just trying to help him! I fired that therapist and tried to figure it out by myself.

When he finally got out of the hospital, a nightmarish experience of detoxing that I would never wish on my worst enemy, I set my boundaries. We were moving, getting away from all the drugs and the alcohol, and going to live someplace calmer and more quiet so we could get our marriage back on track.

A few months after the move, he started drinking again, telling me that beer was not drinking, that now he was just the same as everyone else. He was working again, and felt like having a beer to unwind from work, and in my ignorance and denial, I wanted to believe him. When the shouting, control, and name calling started again, I kept telling myself he was just adjusting to our new life. I walked around on egg-shells, never knowing when he would lose it. I started seeing a therapist again who somehow finally got through to me that I was in an abusive relationship, and that he would not change, that I was the one who had to change. A friend suggested I read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, and I was shocked to see myself in those mind-blowing pages. He suggested I attend an Al Anon meeting too, or at least start reading the literature, and again, I was flabbergasted to see myself reflected in those pages.

The night my husband pulled a knife on me, and threatened to slit me from navel to nose, I finally realized I was in trouble. I never told a soul, too afraid people would judge me for the mistakes I'd made in wanting to trust him. That was the first time I started praying.

I had no idea where to go, or what to do, or how to get out of the situation I was in. After months of living in fear, going to bed each night with him standing over me flicking a knife open and shut, talking about Charles Manson and how much he admired him, I was not sure I would live to even move out, but I did.

But I still was unclear about God. Being raised Catholic, I was taught alot of things that really didn't make sense to me and how I saw God. But who was I to question? So I just stopped believing, stopped having faith in a higher power that wanted good for me and watched out for me. But now, I had no where else to turn, so I started talking to God regularly, and asking for help.

I started to get an inkling my prayers might be getting answered when I had managed to secretly secure a new apartment in a town that had a .5% vacancy rate. I called my parents and told them what was going on and asked for help. They drove all night and the next morning were there when he woke up to find me packing my stuff to move.

While I would like to say this is the last time I found myself in this situation, it wasn't. Despite months of abuse therapy and healing, I ended up repeating this type of relationship with a business partner with the verbal abuse, and accompanying loss of self-confidence.

When I finally worked up the courage after six years to end the partnership, I was really aware I had a problem with owning my own power. I constantly gave away my power and my seniority to those I thought knew more than I, were cooler than I, had more of an idea of how life should go than I.

I finally knew I couldn't live like that anymore, and found courage from deep with in, as well as from the new spiritual community I was becoming involved with. And again, lots of prayers.

As my life continued to melt down, I prayed harder and harder for help, until one day, I knew I had to just let go. It was like this sudden calm in a storm. I knew I could no longer fix my life despite all my efforts. I found myself in tears on the floor begging for help to end it all. To end the pain, the suffering, the fear, the stress, the constant worry that had followed me for almost fifteen years by this point. I was done. So with financial pressure crushing the life out of me, banks suing me, and my whole business headed for the cliff, I filed for bankruptcy and just let go. I surrendered. I couldn't control it anymore, and frankly didn't want to.

And that's when the miracle happened. And the healing began. I was guided to a decent compassionate lawyer (I know!) who helped me and emotionoally supported me through the bankruptcy, which ended up going so easily and smoothly, I knew a higher power was watching over me.

I started meditating, exercising, and going to spiritual awareness classes, and now, almost 5 years later, I find myself in this place of peace and joy, wholeness and calm.

I can honestly tell my clients that they too can find their way to this place by surrendering the control, and just having faith that they can change their lives because they're willing. Finding life affirming activities like meditation, prayer, spiritual support, and faith. But most of all, having courage that while it may seem rough right now, they will feel better, happy, and even want to laugh again.

I know without a doubt, because I've been there. The path is rocky, but I know I will always come to a place where it's smooth sailing for a while. But when the rough patches come, I know how to navigate now by leaning on God/The Universe/Source, praying, letting go of control, asking for help from friends and family, and stepping out in faith. There but for the Grace of God I go.