I turn 50 on Saturday, Feb. 15, 2014. It's hard to believe. I always thought 50 was so old and I would probably not live that long, considering all the crazy things I did when I was younger.

But here it is, and I am welcoming this transition with open arms. It feels like I am entering my second act, a chance to create my life according to my dreams and deepest instincts.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know these last few years have been a tremendously painful, introspective time of healing, clearing and rediscovering my authentic voice.

Part of this process has been discovering what playing means to me as an adult. As children, it's so natural. Imagining, creating, laughing, being silly....I don't know about you, but I never thought twice about doing the things I thought would be fun to do when I was younger. I trusted my inner voice and my instincts in all ways.

The picture on this blog post is me at about 2 years old. Look at that blow up duck I've got around my neck. I remember that duck to this day. I loved that toy! See the deflated balloon hanging down from it's head? Despite the fact that it is popped, I left it there because it felt right. And of course, I'm stark naked. I remember how good it felt! And me striding forward with certainty, oblivious to the funny sight I created for those watching. There is another picture of my family all looking at me with incredulous expressions on their faces. I remember the feeling of not caring one bit what everyone thought. I was following my truth, my heart, and it felt great! My family likes to pull this picture out and tease me, but I love this picture! It so perfectly captures how sure I was as a child, about playing and about following my instincts.

I asked my boyfriend Bill to take0 me sledding yesterday to celebrate my birthday. I knew with out a doubt that that's exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I knew it would be fun, and as we drove up to the mountains, holding our puppy Dooly on my lap, I imagined how much fun it was going to be, watching Dooly experience snow for the first time, and taking him on the sled with me. I saw in my mind's eye playing in that snow, having a snowball fight, getting wet and cold and feeling exhilarated with the pure pleasure of laughing and playing like a little kid again.

And it was exactly how I imagined it would be. Spending the day that way was pure bliss, and so healing! I would find a hill that looked like it would be a good sledding hill, and I just went for it, despite Bill's trepidations about it being too steep or too close to trees that I could run into. I knew with out one doubt in my mind that I would be fine and it would be hilarious, and so time and again, I went for it, despite his worries I might get hurt. I trusted my instincts and I was rewarded with a delightful slide down a steep hill, ending with me tumbling into the snow, laughing hysterically, with the puppy bouncing around me licking my face. I haven't had this much fun since we first discovered water parks a few years ago!

Bill got into the spirit of things and joined in the fun, and it ended up being a magical day for both of us. Afterwards, we headed to the lodge at Boreal to get a little snack, and I chose chicken fingers. It may sound like a little thing, but we had originally decided french fries would be our snack, but when I saw the chicken fingers, I knew that would fit the bill much better. I didn't question myself, I just ordered, and again was rewarded with how delicious they were and how perfectly those chicken fingers hit the spot!

Learning to trust my inner voice again in these small ways is a gift of epic proportions. Each time I follow my instincts with out fear or questioning, I am rewarded with how good it feels, and how right on the money those actions are. The result is exactly how I see it in my mind, and a reminder that we each have our own internal GPS system called our inner voice, guiding us to the right path, choice or action. We just have to listen, trust and follow that instinct. It is our authentic voice. The last time most of us trusted it was when we were very small, like me in this picture.

But as adults, we can have this for ourselves everyday. Listen within. Trust those instincts. They may be guiding you to buy that fabulous purple scarf, or take a class, or try photography or gardening. Or to order chicken fingers instead of french fries! Trust your instincts, and be rewarded and delighted with the outcome of how good it feels!

I'm a procrastinator. There, I said it. I own it. I put off doing things time and time again, and lately, it's started to get to me. I find myself wandering around distracted and not accomplishing much, and at the end of the day, beating myself up because of it.

I finally decided I was going to do something about it, and what I came up with was so insanely simple, but so validating, I'm excited to share it.

I made a list. At the beginning of the day, as I was having my coffee and writing in my journal, I decided to write down the tasks as they popped into my mind. It was like taking a butterfly net and capturing those flitting little creatures as they floated around in my head.

I started very small at first, just 4 items. I told myself if I could just accomplish 4 things today, I would be happy. And I did it! Which gave me the courage to add a few more things to my list, until yesterday, I had 15 things on my list and I accomplished all of them except 2 items!!

At the end of the day instead of feeling frustrated, invalidated and totally hopeless, I felt empowered, encouraged and completely validated. I had something to show for my day with an entire list of crossed off activities and tasks!

Every minute of each beautiful day is a gift to have and to spend. But those of us who get easily distracted and procrastinate waste those precious minutes. It's like throwing handfuls of change down a storm drain. The time is just gone, and you can never get that it back.

It led me to wonder about my tendency to procrastinate. There were days when I would move the same item from one list to another, sometimes for weeks, never accomplishing it, never crossing it off. And I started to wonder what was blocking me from taking that particular step. What energy was stopping me? As I sat praying and meditating one day, I asked my higher self that question, and instantly got the word FEAR in my head. So I sat and looked at that with my spiritual sight and asked the word, what are you trying to tell me? How is fear stopping me from taking action on those one or two items that I keep putting off doing?

Why am I afraid to take action? Using my spiritual sight of clairvoyance I sat and looked at it, really looked at it, and I kept mentally asking it to show me what it meant: "Hello, why am I having trouble getting this task done, and how is fear stopping me?" I saw a staircase leading down into a cellar: it was as deeper reason, one that came from deeper within my subconscius, "I don't know how" and "The task is too big, it's too overwhelming". I keep saying hello to it, and finally I was led to the sense of perfectionism, "What if I do it wrong? "What if I change my mind?" and finally, "What if someone yells at me"? It was a tiny hidden voice of me as a small child, stuck in fear and perfectionism that I might get in trouble or someone might not like what I've done and be mad at me.

Which all led to the deepest hidden truth and fear, "I'm not good enough". Unworthiness. Being unlovable. The frightened small voice of a child afraid of not being loved was buried beneath all that procrastination and fear.

As I unraveled the threads behind my procrastination, I was able to see my next best action was to love myself exactly as who I am right now, and to give myself validation and encouragement. To send some love to that small frighted girl buried deep with in. Telling her she is safe and loved, just exactly as she is.

Little by little, I could feel my body start to relax, and and I became willing to go ahead and start working on the task I've been avoiding all this time.

It felt really good and the validation and sense of accomplishment filled my soul and I was no longer stuck and no longer looking for things to distract me like the television or food.

It's funny that so many of our actions are triggered by such buried unconscious feelings and fears stemming back from childhood experiences.

Until I wrote down this pathway and these steps these answers were blocked from my spiritual sight, only being revealed as I sat patiently and looking at the energy asking the hard questions. But as I followed each layer down and discovered the true root of the problem I knew what I discovered to be true in the deepest part of my soul.

I came back up from that deep dark cellar filled with lurking monsters and cobwebs and brought that small frightened child into the light, the love and the truth and validation that awaited me when I go about my day consciously, purposefully, with prayer and intention to validate myself and validate how I have spent each hour of my precious day.

I laugh that something so simply as a list has been able to help me see the pitfalls of distraction, unconsciousness and procrastination, but I'm so grateful for this new tool and this new awareness.

I invite you to try it yourself and be willing to ask the hard questions.

"Star light Star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight". These words were in my head as I woke up this morning, and I immediately knew my soul was crying out for nurturing, for comfort, and for some magic and fairy dust, and the holiday season is a perfect time to give ones' self just that.

This time of year is tough, both on body and on soul. In most parts of the country, it's cold, and either snowy or damp. The sun goes down early, and today, Dec. 21, 2013, is the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice, with the sun setting in some places as early at 4:30 pm in the afternoon. When darkness comes, so too can loneliness and despair.

Ancient cultures created celebrations around this time of year specifically to bring soul-caring and warmth into this dark, sometimes painful time of year, where lack can often take center stage. Celebrations centering on light, warmth, plenty of good things to eat and to share remind people that the inner climate does not need to match the outer climate.

Giving to others is the focus of the Christmas season; buying and wrapping presents to delight those we love has become the symbol of nurturing. But it can also open the door to giving to ourselves the most precious gift of all; the gift of magic, of joy, of childish delight. And it doesn't take money to give this stuff to yourself, that's the beauty of it!

When wishing on stars seems to be the only way to comfort myself, I know it's time to give to my soul, not just my body. Of course, the body has to feel safe and comfortable, so I drag out my long johns, turtlenecks, heavy coat, thick socks, and boots that won't let the cold seep up through my feet. At night, I put on my super snuggly flannel pajamas as soon as I can.

My body is usually dictating to me what it most needs to feel good, and this usually includes some sort of carbs (which trigger a complex chemical process in the brain, resulting in the production of serotonin, thereby making the body feel good!) such as pasta and rice. Listen to your body! It's telling you what it needs to feel good, and this doesn't always mean stuff that is bad for you, like an excess of sugar. Trust your body!

How do you listen to your body? This is the other secret to soul-caring is to get quiet. Stop running around like a chicken with it's head cut off for just a few minutes, and breathe. During times of stress, which many of us associate with the holidays, our breathing becomes shallow and actually puts more stress on the body because we're not giving ourselves enough oxygen.

One of the best ways to give to yourself this holiday season is to sit in a quiet, comfortable chair, feet flat on the ground, eyes closed, and simply focus on breathing deep into your lungs, expanding them as much as possible. And then release the breath. Breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, and notice how instantly your body starts to relax. Even doing this for just a few minutes will help your body relax and feel safe. When your body relaxes, your soul automatically feels better.

Notice all the things you're forcing yourself to do: shop for gifts, make holiday treats, go to parties, clean the house, create the perfect home setting to rival Sunset Magazine...whatever it is, once you allow your body to quiet down, notice if all the activities are really is something you want to do, or something you feel you should do.

If the list of shoulds is longer than the list of wants, it's time to start letting things go. This is another secret of soul-care this holiday season; bring your life back into balance by letting go of "the shoulds".

When you do something because "you should" you create a toxic energy around that activity or gift because it doesn't come from the pure inner child-like joy of "you want to". Instead of going to that holiday party because you "should put in an appearance" go outside and walk around looking at the Christmas lights! Holiday parties can be very stressful because of the unconscious need to impress others. If going to a party fills you with joy, then by all means go.

But if you're dreading having to make small talk, know you're gonna end up drinking too much to make yourself feel comfortable, or eating too much to keep your self occupied until the moment you can leave, then this is a sign this is a "should" instead of a "want". Give yourself the gift of saying no. Doing something as simple as strolling around looking at holiday decorations can achieve the same thing thing as going to a party: enjoying the magic and sparkle that is available to all.


We forget that saying "no" is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves, not just during the holiday season, but in our everyday lives. When you focus on activities that make you happy and feed your soul, you are truly giving to yourself and others.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

I had a pretty rough week. It was recently my birthday and that always triggers some pain and self-reflection.

Growing up in a family of seven kids, it was tough to get enough attention sometimes. Being third oldest meant that I just had to suck it up and accept that most of the time, I had to be my own cheerleader.

But on our birthday, that was our day, our own special day, where we got to choose what we would eat for breakfast and have for our own special dinner. We got to choose our own cake and ice cream and even were allowed to have soda pop for dinner, a rare treat! Because there were so many of us, we rarely had birthday parties with friends over; it was usually just a family celebration. But being born the day after Valentine's Day meant that usually my birthday got lumped in with that holiday, so I rare ever got to celebrate my birthday on my day.

As I grew up, this became increasingly important to me. I was tired of boyfriends squishing Valentine's Day in with my birthday, and began demanding that they forget about Valentine's Day all together, and just concentrate on doing something special for MY day!! What about me?! All that unhealed childhood stuff would flood out, every single year.

This year, I threw myself a party (on my birthday i might add), and it was wonderful. I had a few close girlfriends over for dinner. I cooked and they provided dessert. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself. But I wasn't able to avoid the painful memories that always get triggered for me around my birthday.

It's inevitable that I go back and start looking at my life: where I am now, what I've done since my last birthday, the changes I've made, the healing and awareness I've achieved....It's also inevitable that some feelings of competition come up for me. I start judging myself and comparing where I am to where my friends are at and what they've accomplished with their lives. And when I measure myself up against others, I always come up short. My positive attitude and feeling of joy at all I've accomplished goes right out the window. Oh dear.... here we go again!

I woke up this morning with the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" (Wilson/Asher) in my head. I love this song!

"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you"

When I wake up with a song in my mind, there's usually a lesson there that has come to me while my conscious mind is relaxing, and the subconscious has a chance to get a word in.

I was mystified at first, but as I sat and sang the song to myself, and asked Spirit for clarity, it slowly dawned on me. All the competition I've been creating for myself this last week was really a cry from my soul for love and acceptance of myself, exactly where I am today, at this moment. I'm not like anyone else on the face of this planet, and my inevitable comparisons of my life with my friends, measuring where I am against where they are is a sign that I need to love myself a little bit more than I've been doing.

It's normal to feel "less than" when we put our own life up against other peoples' lives. But as a unique spark of Divine Light, we all grow, change, learn and expand in different ways. Just like the flowers around us. No flower pops up the same as any other flower in the garden, even if they're the same species. There's no judgement from God or the earth or sun; it's just the way it is. Every single thing in nature is unique, us included.

Learning to love one's self, exactly as you are in present time, is the key to being happy, no matter what your life circumstances are. I've always been a "late bloomer". I've always come to things in my own time, and my own way, and it should be no surprise to me then that where I am in life right now is right for me, just as where my friends and family are right now is right for them. As long as there are stars above me, I'll make myself so proud of me....God only knows where I'd be without me.....

I had to laugh as I typed those last few lines. It's totally true. I'm here to express my own unique take on living, being, expressing, creating, exploring and sharing. I can only do it the way that makes sense to me, not how anyone else does it. Just like in childhood, I have to be my own best cheerleader, because everyone else is busy with their own lives.

I get to practice knowing that how I create and what I do won't be like anyone else, and that's ok too. So what if I'm just figuring it all out now? There's no rule that mandates we have our shit together before we turn 50. We get it together when the timing is right for us, no sooner, no later, and certainly not in a way that anyone else would do it.

I hope my little ah-ha moment around my birthday is helpful to you. Look where you may be frustrated with your self for not accomplishing more. Where are you going into competition with friends or family? Let that be your mirror that it's time to back off, and start loving and accepting yourself a little bit more. Start being your own cheerleader! And don't forget to laugh; laughter makes it all a little bit more bearable.