But here it is, and I am welcoming this transition with open arms. It feels like I am entering my second act, a chance to create my life according to my dreams and deepest instincts.
Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know these last few years have been a tremendously painful, introspective time of healing, clearing and rediscovering my authentic voice.
Part of this process has been discovering what playing means to me as an adult. As children, it's so natural. Imagining, creating, laughing, being silly....I don't know about you, but I never thought twice about doing the things I thought would be fun to do when I was younger. I trusted my inner voice and my instincts in all ways.
The picture on this blog post is me at about 2 years old. Look at that blow up duck I've got around my neck. I remember that duck to this day. I loved that toy! See the deflated balloon hanging down from it's head? Despite the fact that it is popped, I left it there because it felt right. And of course, I'm stark naked. I remember how good it felt! And me striding forward with certainty, oblivious to the funny sight I created for those watching. There is another picture of my family all looking at me with incredulous expressions on their faces. I remember the feeling of not caring one bit what everyone thought. I was following my truth, my heart, and it felt great! My family likes to pull this picture out and tease me, but I love this picture! It so perfectly captures how sure I was as a child, about playing and about following my instincts.
I asked my boyfriend Bill to take0 me sledding yesterday to celebrate my birthday. I knew with out a doubt that that's exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I knew it would be fun, and as we drove up to the mountains, holding our puppy Dooly on my lap, I imagined how much fun it was going to be, watching Dooly experience snow for the first time, and taking him on the sled with me. I saw in my mind's eye playing in that snow, having a snowball fight, getting wet and cold and feeling exhilarated with the pure pleasure of laughing and playing like a little kid again.
And it was exactly how I imagined it would be. Spending the day that way was pure bliss, and so healing! I would find a hill that looked like it would be a good sledding hill, and I just went for it, despite Bill's trepidations about it being too steep or too close to trees that I could run into. I knew with out one doubt in my mind that I would be fine and it would be hilarious, and so time and again, I went for it, despite his worries I might get hurt. I trusted my instincts and I was rewarded with a delightful slide down a steep hill, ending with me tumbling into the snow, laughing hysterically, with the puppy bouncing around me licking my face. I haven't had this much fun since we first discovered water parks a few years ago!
Bill got into the spirit of things and joined in the fun, and it ended up being a magical day for both of us. Afterwards, we headed to the lodge at Boreal to get a little snack, and I chose chicken fingers. It may sound like a little thing, but we had originally decided french fries would be our snack, but when I saw the chicken fingers, I knew that would fit the bill much better. I didn't question myself, I just ordered, and again was rewarded with how delicious they were and how perfectly those chicken fingers hit the spot!
Learning to trust my inner voice again in these small ways is a gift of epic proportions. Each time I follow my instincts with out fear or questioning, I am rewarded with how good it feels, and how right on the money those actions are. The result is exactly how I see it in my mind, and a reminder that we each have our own internal GPS system called our inner voice, guiding us to the right path, choice or action. We just have to listen, trust and follow that instinct. It is our authentic voice. The last time most of us trusted it was when we were very small, like me in this picture.
But as adults, we can have this for ourselves everyday. Listen within. Trust those instincts. They may be guiding you to buy that fabulous purple scarf, or take a class, or try photography or gardening. Or to order chicken fingers instead of french fries! Trust your instincts, and be rewarded and delighted with the outcome of how good it feels!