I turn 50 on Saturday, Feb. 15, 2014. It's hard to believe. I always thought 50 was so old and I would probably not live that long, considering all the crazy things I did when I was younger.

But here it is, and I am welcoming this transition with open arms. It feels like I am entering my second act, a chance to create my life according to my dreams and deepest instincts.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know these last few years have been a tremendously painful, introspective time of healing, clearing and rediscovering my authentic voice.

Part of this process has been discovering what playing means to me as an adult. As children, it's so natural. Imagining, creating, laughing, being silly....I don't know about you, but I never thought twice about doing the things I thought would be fun to do when I was younger. I trusted my inner voice and my instincts in all ways.

The picture on this blog post is me at about 2 years old. Look at that blow up duck I've got around my neck. I remember that duck to this day. I loved that toy! See the deflated balloon hanging down from it's head? Despite the fact that it is popped, I left it there because it felt right. And of course, I'm stark naked. I remember how good it felt! And me striding forward with certainty, oblivious to the funny sight I created for those watching. There is another picture of my family all looking at me with incredulous expressions on their faces. I remember the feeling of not caring one bit what everyone thought. I was following my truth, my heart, and it felt great! My family likes to pull this picture out and tease me, but I love this picture! It so perfectly captures how sure I was as a child, about playing and about following my instincts.

I asked my boyfriend Bill to take0 me sledding yesterday to celebrate my birthday. I knew with out a doubt that that's exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I knew it would be fun, and as we drove up to the mountains, holding our puppy Dooly on my lap, I imagined how much fun it was going to be, watching Dooly experience snow for the first time, and taking him on the sled with me. I saw in my mind's eye playing in that snow, having a snowball fight, getting wet and cold and feeling exhilarated with the pure pleasure of laughing and playing like a little kid again.

And it was exactly how I imagined it would be. Spending the day that way was pure bliss, and so healing! I would find a hill that looked like it would be a good sledding hill, and I just went for it, despite Bill's trepidations about it being too steep or too close to trees that I could run into. I knew with out one doubt in my mind that I would be fine and it would be hilarious, and so time and again, I went for it, despite his worries I might get hurt. I trusted my instincts and I was rewarded with a delightful slide down a steep hill, ending with me tumbling into the snow, laughing hysterically, with the puppy bouncing around me licking my face. I haven't had this much fun since we first discovered water parks a few years ago!

Bill got into the spirit of things and joined in the fun, and it ended up being a magical day for both of us. Afterwards, we headed to the lodge at Boreal to get a little snack, and I chose chicken fingers. It may sound like a little thing, but we had originally decided french fries would be our snack, but when I saw the chicken fingers, I knew that would fit the bill much better. I didn't question myself, I just ordered, and again was rewarded with how delicious they were and how perfectly those chicken fingers hit the spot!

Learning to trust my inner voice again in these small ways is a gift of epic proportions. Each time I follow my instincts with out fear or questioning, I am rewarded with how good it feels, and how right on the money those actions are. The result is exactly how I see it in my mind, and a reminder that we each have our own internal GPS system called our inner voice, guiding us to the right path, choice or action. We just have to listen, trust and follow that instinct. It is our authentic voice. The last time most of us trusted it was when we were very small, like me in this picture.

But as adults, we can have this for ourselves everyday. Listen within. Trust those instincts. They may be guiding you to buy that fabulous purple scarf, or take a class, or try photography or gardening. Or to order chicken fingers instead of french fries! Trust your instincts, and be rewarded and delighted with the outcome of how good it feels!

I'm a procrastinator. There, I said it. I own it. I put off doing things time and time again, and lately, it's started to get to me. I find myself wandering around distracted and not accomplishing much, and at the end of the day, beating myself up because of it.

I finally decided I was going to do something about it, and what I came up with was so insanely simple, but so validating, I'm excited to share it.

I made a list. At the beginning of the day, as I was having my coffee and writing in my journal, I decided to write down the tasks as they popped into my mind. It was like taking a butterfly net and capturing those flitting little creatures as they floated around in my head.

I started very small at first, just 4 items. I told myself if I could just accomplish 4 things today, I would be happy. And I did it! Which gave me the courage to add a few more things to my list, until yesterday, I had 15 things on my list and I accomplished all of them except 2 items!!

At the end of the day instead of feeling frustrated, invalidated and totally hopeless, I felt empowered, encouraged and completely validated. I had something to show for my day with an entire list of crossed off activities and tasks!

Every minute of each beautiful day is a gift to have and to spend. But those of us who get easily distracted and procrastinate waste those precious minutes. It's like throwing handfuls of change down a storm drain. The time is just gone, and you can never get that it back.

It led me to wonder about my tendency to procrastinate. There were days when I would move the same item from one list to another, sometimes for weeks, never accomplishing it, never crossing it off. And I started to wonder what was blocking me from taking that particular step. What energy was stopping me? As I sat praying and meditating one day, I asked my higher self that question, and instantly got the word FEAR in my head. So I sat and looked at that with my spiritual sight and asked the word, what are you trying to tell me? How is fear stopping me from taking action on those one or two items that I keep putting off doing?

Why am I afraid to take action? Using my spiritual sight of clairvoyance I sat and looked at it, really looked at it, and I kept mentally asking it to show me what it meant: "Hello, why am I having trouble getting this task done, and how is fear stopping me?" I saw a staircase leading down into a cellar: it was as deeper reason, one that came from deeper within my subconscius, "I don't know how" and "The task is too big, it's too overwhelming". I keep saying hello to it, and finally I was led to the sense of perfectionism, "What if I do it wrong? "What if I change my mind?" and finally, "What if someone yells at me"? It was a tiny hidden voice of me as a small child, stuck in fear and perfectionism that I might get in trouble or someone might not like what I've done and be mad at me.

Which all led to the deepest hidden truth and fear, "I'm not good enough". Unworthiness. Being unlovable. The frightened small voice of a child afraid of not being loved was buried beneath all that procrastination and fear.

As I unraveled the threads behind my procrastination, I was able to see my next best action was to love myself exactly as who I am right now, and to give myself validation and encouragement. To send some love to that small frighted girl buried deep with in. Telling her she is safe and loved, just exactly as she is.

Little by little, I could feel my body start to relax, and and I became willing to go ahead and start working on the task I've been avoiding all this time.

It felt really good and the validation and sense of accomplishment filled my soul and I was no longer stuck and no longer looking for things to distract me like the television or food.

It's funny that so many of our actions are triggered by such buried unconscious feelings and fears stemming back from childhood experiences.

Until I wrote down this pathway and these steps these answers were blocked from my spiritual sight, only being revealed as I sat patiently and looking at the energy asking the hard questions. But as I followed each layer down and discovered the true root of the problem I knew what I discovered to be true in the deepest part of my soul.

I came back up from that deep dark cellar filled with lurking monsters and cobwebs and brought that small frightened child into the light, the love and the truth and validation that awaited me when I go about my day consciously, purposefully, with prayer and intention to validate myself and validate how I have spent each hour of my precious day.

I laugh that something so simply as a list has been able to help me see the pitfalls of distraction, unconsciousness and procrastination, but I'm so grateful for this new tool and this new awareness.

I invite you to try it yourself and be willing to ask the hard questions.

"Star light Star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight". These words were in my head as I woke up this morning, and I immediately knew my soul was crying out for nurturing, for comfort, and for some magic and fairy dust, and the holiday season is a perfect time to give ones' self just that.

This time of year is tough, both on body and on soul. In most parts of the country, it's cold, and either snowy or damp. The sun goes down early, and today, Dec. 21, 2013, is the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice, with the sun setting in some places as early at 4:30 pm in the afternoon. When darkness comes, so too can loneliness and despair.

Ancient cultures created celebrations around this time of year specifically to bring soul-caring and warmth into this dark, sometimes painful time of year, where lack can often take center stage. Celebrations centering on light, warmth, plenty of good things to eat and to share remind people that the inner climate does not need to match the outer climate.

Giving to others is the focus of the Christmas season; buying and wrapping presents to delight those we love has become the symbol of nurturing. But it can also open the door to giving to ourselves the most precious gift of all; the gift of magic, of joy, of childish delight. And it doesn't take money to give this stuff to yourself, that's the beauty of it!

When wishing on stars seems to be the only way to comfort myself, I know it's time to give to my soul, not just my body. Of course, the body has to feel safe and comfortable, so I drag out my long johns, turtlenecks, heavy coat, thick socks, and boots that won't let the cold seep up through my feet. At night, I put on my super snuggly flannel pajamas as soon as I can.

My body is usually dictating to me what it most needs to feel good, and this usually includes some sort of carbs (which trigger a complex chemical process in the brain, resulting in the production of serotonin, thereby making the body feel good!) such as pasta and rice. Listen to your body! It's telling you what it needs to feel good, and this doesn't always mean stuff that is bad for you, like an excess of sugar. Trust your body!

How do you listen to your body? This is the other secret to soul-caring is to get quiet. Stop running around like a chicken with it's head cut off for just a few minutes, and breathe. During times of stress, which many of us associate with the holidays, our breathing becomes shallow and actually puts more stress on the body because we're not giving ourselves enough oxygen.

One of the best ways to give to yourself this holiday season is to sit in a quiet, comfortable chair, feet flat on the ground, eyes closed, and simply focus on breathing deep into your lungs, expanding them as much as possible. And then release the breath. Breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, and notice how instantly your body starts to relax. Even doing this for just a few minutes will help your body relax and feel safe. When your body relaxes, your soul automatically feels better.

Notice all the things you're forcing yourself to do: shop for gifts, make holiday treats, go to parties, clean the house, create the perfect home setting to rival Sunset Magazine...whatever it is, once you allow your body to quiet down, notice if all the activities are really is something you want to do, or something you feel you should do.

If the list of shoulds is longer than the list of wants, it's time to start letting things go. This is another secret of soul-care this holiday season; bring your life back into balance by letting go of "the shoulds".

When you do something because "you should" you create a toxic energy around that activity or gift because it doesn't come from the pure inner child-like joy of "you want to". Instead of going to that holiday party because you "should put in an appearance" go outside and walk around looking at the Christmas lights! Holiday parties can be very stressful because of the unconscious need to impress others. If going to a party fills you with joy, then by all means go.

But if you're dreading having to make small talk, know you're gonna end up drinking too much to make yourself feel comfortable, or eating too much to keep your self occupied until the moment you can leave, then this is a sign this is a "should" instead of a "want". Give yourself the gift of saying no. Doing something as simple as strolling around looking at holiday decorations can achieve the same thing thing as going to a party: enjoying the magic and sparkle that is available to all.


We forget that saying "no" is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves, not just during the holiday season, but in our everyday lives. When you focus on activities that make you happy and feed your soul, you are truly giving to yourself and others.

I spent the day yesterday at Lake Comanche in Amador County, zooming around in a little vintage metal row boat with a 15 horse power motor on the back.

It was a blast!! I never realized motorized vessels could be so much fun, but there it was.

I wrestled with my internal judge: "Motor boats are bad for the environment! They're bad for the water and the fish, and they disrupt the stillness and beauty of God's creation!" And the other part of me was saying "Wow, this is so much fun! It's so exciting and invigorating, and I want to go faster and faster and feel the spray of the water on my face!"

In the end, I just let go and enjoyed myself, and pushed all those judgements and voices aside until I was able to look at them in a more neutral setting during my meditation this morning. And here's what I found: I have discovered my authentic self has some very polar opposites inherent in my being, and that to really heal myself and to be all I can be, I must embrace both extremes. Light and Dark. Shadow and Sun. Rock n' Roll and Minister.

It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what makes me uniquely me. So much of my unhappiness and pain these last few years has come from trying to please others by being what they want me to be, not fully who I am. And of course, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be unless I had some aspect of that in myself already.

For example, I've talked about how I own a record company, and I've worked in the world of independent punk rock music for the last twenty-five years. This is a very real passion for me, not some passing whim. In college, I fell in love with it to the point where I followed my heart to the crazy places it took me with little regard for finances or stability.

I've also always had a very deep reverence for the earth and her creatures, and strongly believed in "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" credo. I pick up trash when I walk along rivers and streams. I am conscious of the miracle of life, and the beauty of nature and that as humans it is our duty to love and protect these magical spaces. I've also always believed in the connectedness of nature and the Universe, and that there is more to life than what we can see with our eyes.

Now this last part of me I have kept hidden for many years. In the punk rock world, these sorts of  la-la land thoughts are frowned upon and judged as hippy-dippy and not part of "punk rock". So I've kept my beliefs to myself in order to fit in and not have people think I'm weird. Of course the truth is, I AM weird. I'm different. I'm unique. I will never be like anyone else, as much as I want to be. Only now am I realizing that that's O.K., and that that is what makes us humans so much fun to be around.

These last several years, I have gone on a very deep journey within myself to excavate the authentic me that lay hidden beneath the layers of people-pleasing and fear. I love rock n' roll. I love zooming around a lake in a motor boat. I love drag races, and the smell of the fuel and the vibration of the motors as they peel off the starting line. I love hamburgers and french fries and county fairs and the "humanness" of being around people simply enjoying themselves, no matter what they're doing.

I also love being a minister, connecting with God and The Divine and sharing the miracle of life and earth. I love the feeling of the mystical and that there is more to life than what meets the eye. I love organic gardening, and praying, and meditating, and I love teaching others the art of slowing down and looking with in to discover their own authentic passions. I love eating healthy organic produce, and clean water and being kind to others. I love listening to gentle music.

I've struggled these last few years, praying for understanding about how my rock n' roll lifestyle fits in with my spiritual lifestyle. And I finally found my answer.All this is O.K. I don't have to be just one thing or another. This is what makes me a unique spark of light; I am all these different things and passions and interests. I am bringing my authentic self into focus. I am all these things and more, bringing it all back together in to my body and my soul.

My goal is to love my life passionately and to live it fully, experiencing and tasting all aspects of it, not just what I think will be pleasing to others. I have journeyed within to release worry and fear about what others might think of me, and about what I think of me, clearing off the spaces within that have been gummed up with judgement and fear.

This journey within has been a "long and winding road", to quote Paul McCartney leading to the discovery that I really like who I am, right here, right now. Willing to see both the shadows of my being, like my impatience, and perfectionism, and where I judge myself, as well as my light aspects; like my ability to be kind, and loving and treat others with respect. Taking my skills as well as my challenges fully into the light has been the outcome of this journey so far. This is me–all of me, and I offer it out to the world as a gift and an inspiration to go on your own journey to discover and bless your authentic self.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

"If I just try a little harder, I can fix this situation for everyone!" How often have you thought this? How often has this worked out for you? How often has this belief sent you spiraling down a course of action that gets further and further out of your control and ability to "fix" it?

I got yet another chance to say hello to my tendency to be an "out of control" healer when a gentleman in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's fell into my lap recently.

Through a series of complicated events, he wound up in Sacramento with no family and no place to stay, so he came to stay with us for a while.

At first it seemed easy enough; I cooked for him, made sure he took his medicine and provided a stable situation for him to live in. He kept talking about leaving, about wanting to go live on his own, but I knew it wasn't safe for him. So I kept trying different avenues to find him someplace "safe" to go. And as is the case with Alzheimer's a relatively benign situation went from zero to sixty crazy-out-of-control in seconds flat. I ended up having to call the police when I finally realized what I thought I had "under control" was clearly not!

I've been around the block a few times with these sorts of experiences, and should have recognized the warning signs when they're waving in my face, like a big red cape being flapped in front of a charging bull, but I didn't. Or I chose not to, thinking maybe this time it would all work out ok. This time, I could handle it.

What are the warning signs of being "an out of control" healer? When you find yourself spending time, energy, money, or emotion on trying to make something "better" or "o.k." for someone else. When things keep getting worse, and doors keep shutting, and yet you keep going, searching and searching for some other solution to a "problem" that isn't yours to solve in the first place. When the people who really should care and be involved aren't. And lastly, when the person you're trying to "help" clearly doesn't want your help, despite how bad the situation appears.

Having been involved with alcoholics and addicts for much of my life, I've developed the tendency towards co-dependency. We hear this term a lot, but do you know what it means? Here's Wikiepedia's definition:

"The dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. A tendency to behave in an overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's own life."

Does this sound familiar to you? It describes me to a "t"! And the most remarkable thing I've discovered is when you find yourself in this situation, it's never about the other person; it's always about you! Where are your needs not being met? We tend to do for others what we wish would be done for ourselves; get some help, some guidance, a hug, or just permission to turn it over to a higher source for healing and transmutation and let go for a while.

The axiom "healer heal thyself" is so true. Often we become healers or caretakers of others when we most need to focus on our own health and wellness. It's a signal to step back, go within, and ask your higher self "what do I need help with today?" And then give yourself permission to notice what comes up and take action, or better yet, just receive it when the help shows up!

I realized I have been "doing" for everyone around me, and ignoring my own inner need to rest, take it easy, back off from all my activities and commitments, and just give myself a much needed "time out". But again, as out of control healers, it seems selfish to ignore the needs of others, the pain or desperation or poverty or depression or illness, or whatever it is that is pulling at you. "They need me!! I have to help them" Really? This sort of thinking is really pretty arrogant when you step back and think about it.

It means you don't think that other person is capable of making decisions for themselves, or of taking care of their needs, or of making a choice that suits them at that point in time. It means that you think your way is better, and how arrogant is that?!

When we don't let those around us experience the life lessons they need to experience, we act as God, and say "You can have this, but not this." It is us choosing for another person what is right for them. Now of course there's situations where we have to behave that way, such as being a parent. Being a good parent to a child means setting boundaries, and saying no to things that may not be good for that child.

But when you get into doing this for adults, that's another matter entirely. If someone you love is choosing to take drugs or smoke or partake of behaviors that clearly don't seem to be good for them, of course, intercede and see if it is really a cry for help. But if you keep putting them in a detox center, and they keep falling off the wagon, or ending up in jail or on the streets, it's probably a signal that you need to step back and let that person experience what they're needing to experience. It is probably one of their life lessons, and by you trying to "fix it" for them, you're keeping them from the growth they came to this body to experience.

AA really has a handle on teaching those in recovery to recognize the difference here. Their whole message is about focusing on your own self-healing, and learning your own life lessons. You know the famous "Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
                 --Reinhold Niebuhr

Really look at it, and ponder it. It is all about learning to heal yourself and to recognize those situations that trigger our "out of control healer" tendencies.

As I write this, I've given myself permission for the last three weeks to go within, and to see what needs are not being met for myself by allowing the man with Alzheimer's to come into my life. He was my mirror, reflecting back to me where I need to take care of myself. It has meant not over-committing myself to activities, giving myself permission to just take it easy without having to do anything but heal.  It has been a very difficult, but very necessary "time out" and I once again feel able to be in this world as a balanced, healthy healer, capable of helping others in a safe neutral way as I help myself.

I had a lovely client come to me recently for guidance. She was in so much pain, it was radiating out of her like heat from a fever. While she felt like she would never feel better, I assured her she would. She looked at me like I was nuts and commented that she longed to be as calm as I was. I told her she had taken the first step on her path to bringing calm and serenity back into her life and that she too would one day feel the peace I feel.

My story is no different than hundreds of others who have gone before me. Amazing people with stories of heartache, destruction, abuse, despair. Somehow, by the Grace of God, I have healed. I have survived. And now, I am on a path of thriving as I help others to find their way as well.

Like many teenagers, I felt I was invincible, powerful and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. Working my way through college, I graduated with honors and set out to explore the world, eager to taste all the treasures and treats that lay before me. I found myself in San Francisco, and fell madly in love with a man whom I can only say I thought was a genius. I was swept off my feet, and nine months later we were married.

Shortly after that, my fairytale romance started to crumble. The man was an alcoholic, and while I knew that, I was certain it wouldn't affect my life. I was that confident that I had everything under control and could handle anything that came my way that I overlooked this seemingly small detail.

The abuse started in very subtle ways. Critiquing my choices of activities and friends. Jealousy and pouting when I would make plans to spend time with friends. Making comments that left me feeling I was not good enough. My strong confidence in myself started to erode, and I found myself giving up my activities, my friends and spending all my time worrying about keeping him happy.

The first time he hit me, I was in shock and denial. It was stupid-he threw the TV remote control at me and hit me square in the face. I had bruises running from my forehead to my chin, and when friends asked about it, I laughed and told them what had happened. The second time he hit me, it was in front of my sister, standing at a bus stop on a busy street in San Francisco. He was drunk and we were arguing, and while I was hurt and angry and pissed off, I made excuses to my sister. The next day he apologized and said it would never happen again, and I believed him.

Three years into our marriage,  I knew I was in hell. I was the sole breadwinner by this time, he having lost his job, and too messed up to go find another one. My days were spent working, coming home, making dinner he wouldn't eat till the next day, afraid I might poison him, so he'd wait to see if I died from the food I ate, and being on edge constantly, wondering when the next outburst would come.

The day I decided to leave him, he called me to tell me he wasn't feeling good and could I come home from work to help him. When I got there, he was vomiting blood. I called for an ambulance and waiting by the door while they worked on him, securing him to a stretcher to move him to the hospital. He had internal bleeding brought on by an extensive amount of alcohol and drugs.

I knew by this time I no longer had control of my life but had no idea what to do. I started seeing a therapist who kept suggesting I was the one with the problem, not him. Again, denial blinded me. I wasn't the drunk. I wasn't the one who wasn't working. I was just trying to help him! I fired that therapist and tried to figure it out by myself.

When he finally got out of the hospital, a nightmarish experience of detoxing that I would never wish on my worst enemy, I set my boundaries. We were moving, getting away from all the drugs and the alcohol, and going to live someplace calmer and more quiet so we could get our marriage back on track.

A few months after the move, he started drinking again, telling me that beer was not drinking, that now he was just the same as everyone else. He was working again, and felt like having a beer to unwind from work, and in my ignorance and denial, I wanted to believe him. When the shouting, control, and name calling started again, I kept telling myself he was just adjusting to our new life. I walked around on egg-shells, never knowing when he would lose it. I started seeing a therapist again who somehow finally got through to me that I was in an abusive relationship, and that he would not change, that I was the one who had to change. A friend suggested I read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, and I was shocked to see myself in those mind-blowing pages. He suggested I attend an Al Anon meeting too, or at least start reading the literature, and again, I was flabbergasted to see myself reflected in those pages.

The night my husband pulled a knife on me, and threatened to slit me from navel to nose, I finally realized I was in trouble. I never told a soul, too afraid people would judge me for the mistakes I'd made in wanting to trust him. That was the first time I started praying.

I had no idea where to go, or what to do, or how to get out of the situation I was in. After months of living in fear, going to bed each night with him standing over me flicking a knife open and shut, talking about Charles Manson and how much he admired him, I was not sure I would live to even move out, but I did.

But I still was unclear about God. Being raised Catholic, I was taught alot of things that really didn't make sense to me and how I saw God. But who was I to question? So I just stopped believing, stopped having faith in a higher power that wanted good for me and watched out for me. But now, I had no where else to turn, so I started talking to God regularly, and asking for help.

I started to get an inkling my prayers might be getting answered when I had managed to secretly secure a new apartment in a town that had a .5% vacancy rate. I called my parents and told them what was going on and asked for help. They drove all night and the next morning were there when he woke up to find me packing my stuff to move.

While I would like to say this is the last time I found myself in this situation, it wasn't. Despite months of abuse therapy and healing, I ended up repeating this type of relationship with a business partner with the verbal abuse, and accompanying loss of self-confidence.

When I finally worked up the courage after six years to end the partnership, I was really aware I had a problem with owning my own power. I constantly gave away my power and my seniority to those I thought knew more than I, were cooler than I, had more of an idea of how life should go than I.

I finally knew I couldn't live like that anymore, and found courage from deep with in, as well as from the new spiritual community I was becoming involved with. And again, lots of prayers.

As my life continued to melt down, I prayed harder and harder for help, until one day, I knew I had to just let go. It was like this sudden calm in a storm. I knew I could no longer fix my life despite all my efforts. I found myself in tears on the floor begging for help to end it all. To end the pain, the suffering, the fear, the stress, the constant worry that had followed me for almost fifteen years by this point. I was done. So with financial pressure crushing the life out of me, banks suing me, and my whole business headed for the cliff, I filed for bankruptcy and just let go. I surrendered. I couldn't control it anymore, and frankly didn't want to.

And that's when the miracle happened. And the healing began. I was guided to a decent compassionate lawyer (I know!) who helped me and emotionoally supported me through the bankruptcy, which ended up going so easily and smoothly, I knew a higher power was watching over me.

I started meditating, exercising, and going to spiritual awareness classes, and now, almost 5 years later, I find myself in this place of peace and joy, wholeness and calm.

I can honestly tell my clients that they too can find their way to this place by surrendering the control, and just having faith that they can change their lives because they're willing. Finding life affirming activities like meditation, prayer, spiritual support, and faith. But most of all, having courage that while it may seem rough right now, they will feel better, happy, and even want to laugh again.

I know without a doubt, because I've been there. The path is rocky, but I know I will always come to a place where it's smooth sailing for a while. But when the rough patches come, I know how to navigate now by leaning on God/The Universe/Source, praying, letting go of control, asking for help from friends and family, and stepping out in faith. There but for the Grace of God I go.

I had a pretty rough week. It was recently my birthday and that always triggers some pain and self-reflection.

Growing up in a family of seven kids, it was tough to get enough attention sometimes. Being third oldest meant that I just had to suck it up and accept that most of the time, I had to be my own cheerleader.

But on our birthday, that was our day, our own special day, where we got to choose what we would eat for breakfast and have for our own special dinner. We got to choose our own cake and ice cream and even were allowed to have soda pop for dinner, a rare treat! Because there were so many of us, we rarely had birthday parties with friends over; it was usually just a family celebration. But being born the day after Valentine's Day meant that usually my birthday got lumped in with that holiday, so I rare ever got to celebrate my birthday on my day.

As I grew up, this became increasingly important to me. I was tired of boyfriends squishing Valentine's Day in with my birthday, and began demanding that they forget about Valentine's Day all together, and just concentrate on doing something special for MY day!! What about me?! All that unhealed childhood stuff would flood out, every single year.

This year, I threw myself a party (on my birthday i might add), and it was wonderful. I had a few close girlfriends over for dinner. I cooked and they provided dessert. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself. But I wasn't able to avoid the painful memories that always get triggered for me around my birthday.

It's inevitable that I go back and start looking at my life: where I am now, what I've done since my last birthday, the changes I've made, the healing and awareness I've achieved....It's also inevitable that some feelings of competition come up for me. I start judging myself and comparing where I am to where my friends are at and what they've accomplished with their lives. And when I measure myself up against others, I always come up short. My positive attitude and feeling of joy at all I've accomplished goes right out the window. Oh dear.... here we go again!

I woke up this morning with the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" (Wilson/Asher) in my head. I love this song!

"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you"

When I wake up with a song in my mind, there's usually a lesson there that has come to me while my conscious mind is relaxing, and the subconscious has a chance to get a word in.

I was mystified at first, but as I sat and sang the song to myself, and asked Spirit for clarity, it slowly dawned on me. All the competition I've been creating for myself this last week was really a cry from my soul for love and acceptance of myself, exactly where I am today, at this moment. I'm not like anyone else on the face of this planet, and my inevitable comparisons of my life with my friends, measuring where I am against where they are is a sign that I need to love myself a little bit more than I've been doing.

It's normal to feel "less than" when we put our own life up against other peoples' lives. But as a unique spark of Divine Light, we all grow, change, learn and expand in different ways. Just like the flowers around us. No flower pops up the same as any other flower in the garden, even if they're the same species. There's no judgement from God or the earth or sun; it's just the way it is. Every single thing in nature is unique, us included.

Learning to love one's self, exactly as you are in present time, is the key to being happy, no matter what your life circumstances are. I've always been a "late bloomer". I've always come to things in my own time, and my own way, and it should be no surprise to me then that where I am in life right now is right for me, just as where my friends and family are right now is right for them. As long as there are stars above me, I'll make myself so proud of me....God only knows where I'd be without me.....

I had to laugh as I typed those last few lines. It's totally true. I'm here to express my own unique take on living, being, expressing, creating, exploring and sharing. I can only do it the way that makes sense to me, not how anyone else does it. Just like in childhood, I have to be my own best cheerleader, because everyone else is busy with their own lives.

I get to practice knowing that how I create and what I do won't be like anyone else, and that's ok too. So what if I'm just figuring it all out now? There's no rule that mandates we have our shit together before we turn 50. We get it together when the timing is right for us, no sooner, no later, and certainly not in a way that anyone else would do it.

I hope my little ah-ha moment around my birthday is helpful to you. Look where you may be frustrated with your self for not accomplishing more. Where are you going into competition with friends or family? Let that be your mirror that it's time to back off, and start loving and accepting yourself a little bit more. Start being your own cheerleader! And don't forget to laugh; laughter makes it all a little bit more bearable.