I turn 50 on Saturday, Feb. 15, 2014. It's hard to believe. I always thought 50 was so old and I would probably not live that long, considering all the crazy things I did when I was younger.

But here it is, and I am welcoming this transition with open arms. It feels like I am entering my second act, a chance to create my life according to my dreams and deepest instincts.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know these last few years have been a tremendously painful, introspective time of healing, clearing and rediscovering my authentic voice.

Part of this process has been discovering what playing means to me as an adult. As children, it's so natural. Imagining, creating, laughing, being silly....I don't know about you, but I never thought twice about doing the things I thought would be fun to do when I was younger. I trusted my inner voice and my instincts in all ways.

The picture on this blog post is me at about 2 years old. Look at that blow up duck I've got around my neck. I remember that duck to this day. I loved that toy! See the deflated balloon hanging down from it's head? Despite the fact that it is popped, I left it there because it felt right. And of course, I'm stark naked. I remember how good it felt! And me striding forward with certainty, oblivious to the funny sight I created for those watching. There is another picture of my family all looking at me with incredulous expressions on their faces. I remember the feeling of not caring one bit what everyone thought. I was following my truth, my heart, and it felt great! My family likes to pull this picture out and tease me, but I love this picture! It so perfectly captures how sure I was as a child, about playing and about following my instincts.

I asked my boyfriend Bill to take0 me sledding yesterday to celebrate my birthday. I knew with out a doubt that that's exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I knew it would be fun, and as we drove up to the mountains, holding our puppy Dooly on my lap, I imagined how much fun it was going to be, watching Dooly experience snow for the first time, and taking him on the sled with me. I saw in my mind's eye playing in that snow, having a snowball fight, getting wet and cold and feeling exhilarated with the pure pleasure of laughing and playing like a little kid again.

And it was exactly how I imagined it would be. Spending the day that way was pure bliss, and so healing! I would find a hill that looked like it would be a good sledding hill, and I just went for it, despite Bill's trepidations about it being too steep or too close to trees that I could run into. I knew with out one doubt in my mind that I would be fine and it would be hilarious, and so time and again, I went for it, despite his worries I might get hurt. I trusted my instincts and I was rewarded with a delightful slide down a steep hill, ending with me tumbling into the snow, laughing hysterically, with the puppy bouncing around me licking my face. I haven't had this much fun since we first discovered water parks a few years ago!

Bill got into the spirit of things and joined in the fun, and it ended up being a magical day for both of us. Afterwards, we headed to the lodge at Boreal to get a little snack, and I chose chicken fingers. It may sound like a little thing, but we had originally decided french fries would be our snack, but when I saw the chicken fingers, I knew that would fit the bill much better. I didn't question myself, I just ordered, and again was rewarded with how delicious they were and how perfectly those chicken fingers hit the spot!

Learning to trust my inner voice again in these small ways is a gift of epic proportions. Each time I follow my instincts with out fear or questioning, I am rewarded with how good it feels, and how right on the money those actions are. The result is exactly how I see it in my mind, and a reminder that we each have our own internal GPS system called our inner voice, guiding us to the right path, choice or action. We just have to listen, trust and follow that instinct. It is our authentic voice. The last time most of us trusted it was when we were very small, like me in this picture.

But as adults, we can have this for ourselves everyday. Listen within. Trust those instincts. They may be guiding you to buy that fabulous purple scarf, or take a class, or try photography or gardening. Or to order chicken fingers instead of french fries! Trust your instincts, and be rewarded and delighted with the outcome of how good it feels!

I like my eggs scrambled with cottage cheese and served with toast, or scrambled with spinach and wrapped up in a corn tortilla with hot sauce.

My boyfriend likes his eggs mixed up with milk, and then fried flat, like a pancake, until the edges turn brown and crispy.

Have you ever stopped to examine the little things you do in your life, like the food you prepare and eat, the clothing or accessories you wear, how you decorate your house, or why you use Comet to clean your sink instead of Soft Scrub?

Are all these little pieces of our lives really our own, or did we pick them up unconsciously from our parents, friends, lovers, the media? Really stop and think about it for a minute. Let's start with eggs. How do you like your eggs? Do you really like them that way, or do you just eat them that way because that's how you've always done it, or that's how your lover or kids like them?

This simple little exercise can tell you a lot about yourself. Do you really know yourself from the inside? Or are you mirroring someone else's preferences and just unconsciously adapted them as your own?

I just watched the Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride. The story is about a woman who has found herself walking down the isle towards marriage with three very different men, and with each partner, she's adjusted her life to fit theirs, including the music she listens to and the way she eats her eggs. But just before she reaches the alter, she bolts from her own wedding, running for her life, some deep instinct waking up in her at the last minute. She finally hears her authentic voice as she runs for the hills.

Choosing to live authentically by my own light has been a journey of epic proportions. Starting back in 2009 when I filed for bankruptcy, it was the first step in clearing out all the garbage I'd accumulated mentally and emotionally, not to mention physically.

Painful, upsetting, unbalancing, declaring bankruptcy ripped away all thought I knew about myself. It was the tsunami of clearing and letting go, taking me to my knees in surrender. I no longer knew who I was or where I was going, what my truth was. For so long I had lived by other peoples' light, by their ideas of who I was and what I was supposed to do and be and say and act. And I was great at it. I played the part so perfectly I no longer could see I had lost my way and stopped following my heart. I had lost all sense of my authentic self. I had to clear it all away before I could start bringing the pieces of my life back together again.

It's like when one suspects one is allergic to something, but you don't know what. You have to clear all suspected allergens from your life and one by one, reintroduce them to see what is triggering the allergic reaction.

Being this conscious of how your body reacts is the most important part of healing and recovering your authentic voice. You must pay attention to every little nuance and ask yourself whether it feels good or not!!

Because of this conscious awareness, when you reintroduce something that doesn't feel good, you can choose to no longer eat that food or engage in that behavior,and so through this process navigate through all the programming from childhood. You begin to recognize you've been doing an activity because it makes someone else happy, keeps the peace, or avoids conflict.

It feels much more fun and playful to live by your authentic light. So what if I'm a punk rocker who likes to listen to Windham Hill new age music? That is part of me but I covered it up because it was met with judgement by the circles of people I was trying to fit in with.

As I approach my 50th birthday, I truly desire to live life by my own light; enjoying the experiences that touch my soul and enhance my life. I practice speaking my truth now with kindness and love directed towards myself, so I feel safe when what I want doesn't mesh with someone else's agenda.

Trust me, everyone has an agenda. We're human, and we're going to get our needs met one way or the other. The path to happiness is to become aware of that fact, and then act accordingly. Do your wants, needs, and likes get the same attention as you give to your loved ones? If not, speak up!

If it doesn't feel safe to speak your truth and shine your own light, maybe that's the answer to your prayers. Maybe that's how you're being guided to change the circumstances; to leave that job, talk honestly with your partner, boss or family, or take the risk of following your heart and studying literature instead of science. Become clear about who you are and what you like and life will open up. I guarantee it! After all, I am living proof!

I was talking with my good friend Helena Mazzariello, owner of Spirit In Joy, the other day, and the topic of Toxic Loyalty kept coming up.

I had never heard it termed in quite that way, but as we talked, I realized I was guilty of spreading Toxic Loyalty all over my life! And by extension, all over the lives of people I loved too!

What is it? Toxic Loyalty is very hard to spot, primarily because as a society, specifically us women, we are taught to be there for others no matter what. It's a shining star on our chest that we're a good person, that we're worthy of being liked or loved. Loyalty to our jobs, our bosses, our friends, lovers and family is a very admirable trait. However, when it becomes toxic, it is damaging both to ourselves and those we're trying to "help."

You'll know your loyalty has become toxic when you start to resent the very situation or person you're being loyal to. For me, it was scattered all over my life, in every aspect of what I do and how I behave. Feeling loyal to my business, Gearhead, and all the bands and people I worked with, I almost killed myself trying to be there for everyone, and trying to do the things they wanted me to do. I saw I used that martyr mentality as a way of proving my worthiness to those around me, and to myself, as a way of proving I was worth liking, and of being loved.

Instead of just saying no, I got myself in deeper and deeper, until I hated the people I was working with, and the projects I was spending so much time and money trying to create.

In my volunteer projects, I saw too that I was allowing toxic loyalty to dictate what I kept doing for free. Giving my time and energy away to help organizations, like one's church or school, is a valuable part of being in service to others. However, when it feels like those organizations or institutions are sucking you dry, and you no longer feel the joy of helping, it's time to step back and take a look at how you're valuing yourself and your time.

Where has unbalance set in, and where are you no longer honoring your self worth by setting boundaries? I have been feeling tremendously guilty because some gardens I was volunteering to take care of were taking so much time and energy, I was starting to resent the commitment I had made. What used to be fun for me, and give me tremendous pleasure as I transformed sick unloved property into a thing of beauty became another chore, another list of things I HAD to do because I had promised I would do it. I had given my word, and I was gonna stick to it no matter what.

I started finding excuses not to go work on the gardens because there no longer was a balance there in what I was doing. I was no longer getting back as much as I was giving out, a sure sign that my loyalty had grown toxic.

I was simply going because I had promised I would. The purpose had been served, but instead of ending my service consciously and with truth and honor, I went into hiding and avoidance of the situation, hoping it would go away, but guilt was eating away at the back of my mind.

Where is toxic loyalty affecting your life? Are you doing a job that you feel you're not being paid well enough for? There was a time that it was worth it, and you were grateful for the opportunity, but has that changed? Do you feel now you're giving more than you're getting? This is the ongoing dance of human relations and balance. When we no longer feel we're getting out of a situation as much as we're putting in, it's time to examine your motives and determine whether you need to speak up, and ask for more because you know you're worth it, or maybe it's time to end your commitment to that project or person.

Toxic loyalty can also affect our personal relationships. I had a friendship where I was constantly helping and coaching a friend who had drama after drama in her life. And I was happy to do it, because I loved her and valued her friendship and our time together. But after a few years of this, I started to feel I was getting the short end of the stick. Whenever I had a problem, she was never there for me, and I was starting to resent that. I finally said something to her; I told her I loved our friendship, but felt it was time to balance my giving with a bit more receiving from her as far as support went. I felt I was worth that, and so was our friendship.

Well, she got so angry at me, and shouted at me how dare I say she wasn't supportive. Instead of having a discussion, she became angry and abusive, and chose to end our friendship right there and then. That was the last time I ever talked to her, not by my choice, but through how my words were received. It's not my problem how she received it, and I can't change that. I don't regret being honest and saying I needed more out of the relationship. It came from a sincere place of love and grace.

When that relationship ended, I felt a deep sadness, but also a lightness in my body. I was no longer responsible for propping someone else up, simply because she was my friend. That toxic friendship ended probably much later than it should have and on a much more dramatic level than had I simply noticed the resentment building in my soul earlier and spoken up.

I chose to ignore it because we are not taught to speak up and bring attention to our worthiness, our value, of being paid well or treated fairly.

This is an ongoing lesson in my life, and clearly one I am still working on. But I am doing better about speaking up before the resentment is really bubbling. I now ask my romantic partner for help around the house, instead of seething that he doesn't notice the dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher, or the floor needs to be swept.

In my career I was able to voice that I was worth more than I was getting paid, and while that has changed in one circumstance, it's being considered in the second. I'm ok with that. I spoke up, and asked for more, because I'm worth it. And in my volunteer work, I am now stepping back and examining where I can truly give my time and energy in a way that honors my needs as well as those that I am volunteering to help.

If resentment starts to creep back in, I know I'm doing too much and undervaluing my worth by giving away too much. It's a constant balancing act, but now that I'm much more aware of my tendency towards Toxic Loyalty, it's much easier for me to step back and re-set my boundaries.

Lesson for Today: Notice where Toxic Loyalty may be affecting your life, your relationships, your career space, or your activities, and be willing to consider that maybe you're undervaluing yourself, and it's time to speak up.

Today is a day dedicated to love. It's Valentine's Day, a day originally set aside during The Middle Ages to celebrate St. Valentine, a martyr who died on this day.

But this blog today is not about Valentine's Day. Rather, it is to share a rather remarkable experience that happened to me last night.

The world is filled with pain, angst, upsetment and anxiety right now. If you turn on the news here in the US, you'll read about the manhunt for a disturbed soul who targeted the police department in Los Angeles with a rampage of violence and death. There's political unrest in our government as the two opposing political parties battle over public policy on gun control, the environment, the economy and the other issues facing our country, with a stalemate of wills and ego that would put a Hollywood movie to shame.

I was getting tattooed last night, and any or you who have experienced this sort of body adornment know it's incredibly painful. But the end result is always so gratifying, it's worth a few hours of pain! I was laying on the table praying for help to get through the process. I was also using the many spiritual tools I have to grounding my body, but nothing seemed to work. The sting of the tattoo machine as it cut into my skin was excruciating, and I started thinking about all the various forms of torture used over the years to force one human's will on another.

Then the strangest thing happened. A young man came into the tattoo parlour with the picture of Archangel Metatron's healing cube, which the archangel uses to rid the body of pain and grief during spiritual healing sessions. He talked to one of the other artists working about getting it tattooed on him, and then he left.

This seemingly random incident jolted through me like lightning. Of all the prayers I had been sending up asking for help, it never occurred to me to call on Archangel Metatron! So mentally, I asked him to be with me and to give me guidance of how I could help my body get through the pain of tattooing, and instantly, I heard guidance inside my mind to start humming. I was willing to try anything at that point, so I did, softly to myself, but loudly enough that I was able to focus on the sound rather than the buzz of the tattoo machine. And then Archangel Sandalphon, the archangel of music,  communicated to me that the tone of my humming was raising the vibration of my cells above the pain!! I kept humming, and when the pain became noticable, I was directed to raise the pitch of my humming, since the higher the tone that was emminating from my humming, the higher frequency my body resonated at, and eventually, I was resonating above the pain of the whole process. These two archangels, who both originally walked the earth as men many years ago, knew instantly how to help my physical body rise above the low vibration of pain.

It sounds insane as I write this, but it is totally the truth. As I mentally asked them what was causing this to happen, they explained through pictures in my mind how this type of "Sound Healing" has been used for centuries to shift places where there is alot of pain and violence, whether it is one's own body (as during torture) or a city overcome with war, or government in-fighting. That as a group of healers, we have the ability to help our earth, governments, countries, cities, and inhabitants to heal by sending out high vibrational healing tones in the direction of where ever chaos and pain are occurring. It is a form of prayer when we are too close to a situation to be neutral. Indigenous cultures have used chanting and drumming for centuries to achieve the same effect.

This made perfect sense to me. As a little child, maybe you remember hearing something that was disturbing or upsetting, like your parents fighting, or a bully teasing you. What did you do? You put your hands over your ears and you started humming or chanting to drown out the aggressive sounds assaulting your ears and body. Children instinctively know how to rise above pain by using this built in form or healing. And that makes perfect sense, because Archangel Metatron's mission is to help children of all ages (even as adults, we are still someone's child!) find healing and peace. So why wouldn't he communicate this to children?

I was told that collectively, especially on this day of love, that we could evoke healing and peace in our communities by picturing places of discord surrounded by the high-vibrating tones of humming, either to yourself, or out loud by picturing the tone being directed to whomever or wherever you want to send healing thoughts. It allows the physical environment or people involved to rise above the chaos so spiritual healing can come in.

So today, when love is in the air and on our minds, join me in sending out the healing high-vibrating toning of light and love and peace to wherever there is discord in your life, or wherever you read about it in the news, or see it on TV. Why not? It certainly can't hurt, and maybe just maybe, it will open enough of a

"Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'."
   -Bob Dylan

This legendary song was released in January 1964, almost 50 years ago. Bob Dylan was way ahead of his time when he wrote these lyrics; it was three years before the the mass consciousness awakening of The Summer of Love, the Vietnam War, Watergate and political upheaval in general. This song accurately foretold of the changes that were coming during the massive shifts that took place politically and domestically during the late sixties and early seventies.

I woke up with this song in my head this morning and realized that we are once again in this cycle. The prophecy of the Mayan Calendar, foretelling the "end of the world" that was to happen Dec. 21 2012 is coming true, but not in the way sensationalists and the media wanted us to think it was. The time to be blind, quiet and deaf has ended, and mass consciousness is once again sweeping through the land. People are waking up out of their stupor and demanding answers and change from our leaders.

The general public is no longer wiling to sit quietly and trusting while politicians and banks greedily line their pockets, while our environment is being polluted and destroyed for the sake of monetary gain for a few.

Lance Armstrong coming clean on Oprah this last week about his use of performance enhancing drugs was no coincidence. On a deep energetic level, he knew that the time to be honest, transparent and forthright in his dealings with the public were necessary, or he would be washed away, much as the lyrics in the Bob Dylan song forecast. His foundation has done a tremendous amount of good for the world. However, being built on a shaky foundation of lies and deceit, if Armstrong as leader did not come clean and start being honest, it would have crumbled at some point. You can not build a strong business on a weak foundation. Just as you cannot build a life of joy and integrity if you are not being honest with yourself and your dealings with others.

Our elected officials, banks, Wall Street and all those entities who vow to represent the American people are taking heed now too. In the coming months, more politicians will start coming clean about their unscrupulous dealings. Companies that only have profit in mind will start crumbling if they don't start changing their business dealings.

People are starting to wake up and are no longer willing to sit by and trust that those in power have our highest good and the highest good of the earth in mind as they make decisions on our behalf. Those that do not start changing will be swept away.

Look at your own life, and have the courage to start uncovering where you have not been honest with your self and your motives. When someone asks for your help, do you do it because you think you will gain something from it, or you thnk you can't say no, or do you do it with a clear loving heart, offering to help because you honestly want to?

When you agree to take on a task or a project, are you doing it from a place of serenity and joy, or are you afraid to say no because you don't want to hurt that person's feelings?

Be honest with yourself and your motivations to do the things in your life you're doing. Look inside yourself and fearlessly ask your heart and soul "is this for my highest good?" If you're still enough, you will get the answer back. If there is any resistance there, know this is your answer, guidance from your internal GPS system telling you the action you're considering is not the best path to take.

It is your body's way of telling you to speak your truth and be honest about what you want. By doing this, you give others permission to be honest and speak their deepest truth.

In so doing, you are bringing the highest good to the world around you.