I'm a procrastinator. There, I said it. I own it. I put off doing things time and time again, and lately, it's started to get to me. I find myself wandering around distracted and not accomplishing much, and at the end of the day, beating myself up because of it.

I finally decided I was going to do something about it, and what I came up with was so insanely simple, but so validating, I'm excited to share it.

I made a list. At the beginning of the day, as I was having my coffee and writing in my journal, I decided to write down the tasks as they popped into my mind. It was like taking a butterfly net and capturing those flitting little creatures as they floated around in my head.

I started very small at first, just 4 items. I told myself if I could just accomplish 4 things today, I would be happy. And I did it! Which gave me the courage to add a few more things to my list, until yesterday, I had 15 things on my list and I accomplished all of them except 2 items!!

At the end of the day instead of feeling frustrated, invalidated and totally hopeless, I felt empowered, encouraged and completely validated. I had something to show for my day with an entire list of crossed off activities and tasks!

Every minute of each beautiful day is a gift to have and to spend. But those of us who get easily distracted and procrastinate waste those precious minutes. It's like throwing handfuls of change down a storm drain. The time is just gone, and you can never get that it back.

It led me to wonder about my tendency to procrastinate. There were days when I would move the same item from one list to another, sometimes for weeks, never accomplishing it, never crossing it off. And I started to wonder what was blocking me from taking that particular step. What energy was stopping me? As I sat praying and meditating one day, I asked my higher self that question, and instantly got the word FEAR in my head. So I sat and looked at that with my spiritual sight and asked the word, what are you trying to tell me? How is fear stopping me from taking action on those one or two items that I keep putting off doing?

Why am I afraid to take action? Using my spiritual sight of clairvoyance I sat and looked at it, really looked at it, and I kept mentally asking it to show me what it meant: "Hello, why am I having trouble getting this task done, and how is fear stopping me?" I saw a staircase leading down into a cellar: it was as deeper reason, one that came from deeper within my subconscius, "I don't know how" and "The task is too big, it's too overwhelming". I keep saying hello to it, and finally I was led to the sense of perfectionism, "What if I do it wrong? "What if I change my mind?" and finally, "What if someone yells at me"? It was a tiny hidden voice of me as a small child, stuck in fear and perfectionism that I might get in trouble or someone might not like what I've done and be mad at me.

Which all led to the deepest hidden truth and fear, "I'm not good enough". Unworthiness. Being unlovable. The frightened small voice of a child afraid of not being loved was buried beneath all that procrastination and fear.

As I unraveled the threads behind my procrastination, I was able to see my next best action was to love myself exactly as who I am right now, and to give myself validation and encouragement. To send some love to that small frighted girl buried deep with in. Telling her she is safe and loved, just exactly as she is.

Little by little, I could feel my body start to relax, and and I became willing to go ahead and start working on the task I've been avoiding all this time.

It felt really good and the validation and sense of accomplishment filled my soul and I was no longer stuck and no longer looking for things to distract me like the television or food.

It's funny that so many of our actions are triggered by such buried unconscious feelings and fears stemming back from childhood experiences.

Until I wrote down this pathway and these steps these answers were blocked from my spiritual sight, only being revealed as I sat patiently and looking at the energy asking the hard questions. But as I followed each layer down and discovered the true root of the problem I knew what I discovered to be true in the deepest part of my soul.

I came back up from that deep dark cellar filled with lurking monsters and cobwebs and brought that small frightened child into the light, the love and the truth and validation that awaited me when I go about my day consciously, purposefully, with prayer and intention to validate myself and validate how I have spent each hour of my precious day.

I laugh that something so simply as a list has been able to help me see the pitfalls of distraction, unconsciousness and procrastination, but I'm so grateful for this new tool and this new awareness.

I invite you to try it yourself and be willing to ask the hard questions.

I spent the day yesterday at Lake Comanche in Amador County, zooming around in a little vintage metal row boat with a 15 horse power motor on the back.

It was a blast!! I never realized motorized vessels could be so much fun, but there it was.

I wrestled with my internal judge: "Motor boats are bad for the environment! They're bad for the water and the fish, and they disrupt the stillness and beauty of God's creation!" And the other part of me was saying "Wow, this is so much fun! It's so exciting and invigorating, and I want to go faster and faster and feel the spray of the water on my face!"

In the end, I just let go and enjoyed myself, and pushed all those judgements and voices aside until I was able to look at them in a more neutral setting during my meditation this morning. And here's what I found: I have discovered my authentic self has some very polar opposites inherent in my being, and that to really heal myself and to be all I can be, I must embrace both extremes. Light and Dark. Shadow and Sun. Rock n' Roll and Minister.

It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what makes me uniquely me. So much of my unhappiness and pain these last few years has come from trying to please others by being what they want me to be, not fully who I am. And of course, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be unless I had some aspect of that in myself already.

For example, I've talked about how I own a record company, and I've worked in the world of independent punk rock music for the last twenty-five years. This is a very real passion for me, not some passing whim. In college, I fell in love with it to the point where I followed my heart to the crazy places it took me with little regard for finances or stability.

I've also always had a very deep reverence for the earth and her creatures, and strongly believed in "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" credo. I pick up trash when I walk along rivers and streams. I am conscious of the miracle of life, and the beauty of nature and that as humans it is our duty to love and protect these magical spaces. I've also always believed in the connectedness of nature and the Universe, and that there is more to life than what we can see with our eyes.

Now this last part of me I have kept hidden for many years. In the punk rock world, these sorts of  la-la land thoughts are frowned upon and judged as hippy-dippy and not part of "punk rock". So I've kept my beliefs to myself in order to fit in and not have people think I'm weird. Of course the truth is, I AM weird. I'm different. I'm unique. I will never be like anyone else, as much as I want to be. Only now am I realizing that that's O.K., and that that is what makes us humans so much fun to be around.

These last several years, I have gone on a very deep journey within myself to excavate the authentic me that lay hidden beneath the layers of people-pleasing and fear. I love rock n' roll. I love zooming around a lake in a motor boat. I love drag races, and the smell of the fuel and the vibration of the motors as they peel off the starting line. I love hamburgers and french fries and county fairs and the "humanness" of being around people simply enjoying themselves, no matter what they're doing.

I also love being a minister, connecting with God and The Divine and sharing the miracle of life and earth. I love the feeling of the mystical and that there is more to life than what meets the eye. I love organic gardening, and praying, and meditating, and I love teaching others the art of slowing down and looking with in to discover their own authentic passions. I love eating healthy organic produce, and clean water and being kind to others. I love listening to gentle music.

I've struggled these last few years, praying for understanding about how my rock n' roll lifestyle fits in with my spiritual lifestyle. And I finally found my answer.All this is O.K. I don't have to be just one thing or another. This is what makes me a unique spark of light; I am all these different things and passions and interests. I am bringing my authentic self into focus. I am all these things and more, bringing it all back together in to my body and my soul.

My goal is to love my life passionately and to live it fully, experiencing and tasting all aspects of it, not just what I think will be pleasing to others. I have journeyed within to release worry and fear about what others might think of me, and about what I think of me, clearing off the spaces within that have been gummed up with judgement and fear.

This journey within has been a "long and winding road", to quote Paul McCartney leading to the discovery that I really like who I am, right here, right now. Willing to see both the shadows of my being, like my impatience, and perfectionism, and where I judge myself, as well as my light aspects; like my ability to be kind, and loving and treat others with respect. Taking my skills as well as my challenges fully into the light has been the outcome of this journey so far. This is me–all of me, and I offer it out to the world as a gift and an inspiration to go on your own journey to discover and bless your authentic self.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

It's Fourth of July, also known as Independence Day here in America. What does this mean? You hear it bandied about in all sorts of contexts, but have you ever really thought about what it means for you, personally?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, primarily because I've been going through some massive changes in my personal and professional life, and much of it revolves around my sense of personal freedom and my right to chose for myself what the best course of action is. It really boils down to a simple, yet complex subject: Free Will.

Thirteen years ago, July 1, 2000, almost to the date today, I bought my first house. It was a cute little townhouse style condo, surrounded by towering pines and redwood trees, and wonderful kind neighbors. I had just come through a painful divorce, and was just starting my record company, Gearhead Records, and it seemed the beginning of a great new life. Everything good was opening up before me and I felt strong and powerful and so ready to experience a state of stability and creativity.

Unfortunately, that brief period of calm and excitement gave way to a turbulent painful time that would not end until yesterday, July 3 2013, when I signed the papers selling my house.

It has been a mixed period of relief, sadness, and introspection as I reviewed the last thirteen years in my mind, taking a slow final walk through my little house, trying to make sense of the sometimes incredibly painful lessons and experiences I'd endured since first claiming ownership all those years ago: the meteoric success of my record company with the record release by a band called The Hives; the expansion of my business into a full service line of clothing and accessories; the extensive music catalog created, leading to almost eighty titles; the bitter breakup and dissolution of my business partnership; the opening of my retail store and the rebuilding of my business; meeting my current romantic partner; the terrifying downward spiral of financial ruin and eventual personal bankruptcy; the subsequent years of healing and clearing and reorganizing, and now finally, saying goodbye to the last episode in the story, selling my house and clearing out all remaining debts, while starting once again to rebuild my business.

Through all this, I've had the free will to chose the paths I've taken and the experiences and people I've brought into my life. Many times they were clearly the wrong choices, but at the time seemed like the best course of action based on the information I had at hand. I always had the freedom, the choice, to say "No Thank You" and to walk away, but I didn't, instead choosing to see the decision through to the end.

The one thing I never realized before recently was that I didn't have to make these decisions alone. I always had access to prayer and spiritual guidance, and I always could have requested help from the Universe to choose the course of action that would serve my highest good.

It just never occurred to me that I could ask for Divine Assistance in shaping the course of my life and my experiences, although often through the sense of intuition (or clairsentience as it is also called) I would get little "gut feelings" about what direction I should go. As humans, we have free will to choose our experiences and live our lives as we see fit, and our angels, spirit guides, or God himself cannot intervene without our permission unless it is life-threatening and not our time to cross over.

But we ALWAYS have the right to ask for help, and must do so to open the door for Divine Assistance to guide us towards the best possible outcome. However, once we get that guidance, we have the choice,  and the freedom, to say yes or no, and take action as we see fit. But before we get help, we must ask for it.

Holy moly, if I knew then what I know now, my life would have taken an entirely different trajectory, but I must have needed to learn certain lessons, which is why only now, after going through so much pain, I'm ready to open the door on my next series of choices with a lot more knowledge and certainty in my tool kit!

I know for instance that I make very rash decisions, and that knowing this about myself, before I choose what my next step is, I must step back, get quiet and go within, seeking guidance from God or The Universe or whatever you want to call "The All" energy that surrounds all living creatures. I have learned to wait until I know all my ego is removed from the decision-making process, and that I am taking the next course of action based on the clear knowledge that it will serve the highest good.

It's easier said than done, I know, trust me! I struggle with this every day. But the lessons these last thirteen years have taught me are that I'm not patient, and I don't ever learn things the easy way, and that often I'm functioning from the reactive state of a petulant child, rather than the proactive state of wisdom and knowledge. I have the freedom to choose to be proactive instead of reactive, weighing the pros and cons and possible ramifications from my decisions before I make them.

Martina McBride sings a song called Independence Day that has always resonated very strongly with me, because the lyrics dance around the pain of domestic violence, which I myself have experienced, and the call to personal freedom, free will and choices, which I'm constantly faced with:

Let Freedom Ring Let The White Dove Sing
Let The Whole World Know That Today Is A Day Of Reckoning
Let The Weak Be Strong Let The Right Be Wrong
Roll The Stone Away Let The Guilty Pay It's Independence Day
                              -Martina McBride

On this day of Independence, I choose to celebrate my right to choose the best course of action for myself, using prayer, meditation and accessing Divine Guidance and my higher self to take the best path, knowing if I move forward in this way, ultimately, it will benefit all I come in contact with. Isn't that what freedom is?

"If I just try a little harder, I can fix this situation for everyone!" How often have you thought this? How often has this worked out for you? How often has this belief sent you spiraling down a course of action that gets further and further out of your control and ability to "fix" it?

I got yet another chance to say hello to my tendency to be an "out of control" healer when a gentleman in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's fell into my lap recently.

Through a series of complicated events, he wound up in Sacramento with no family and no place to stay, so he came to stay with us for a while.

At first it seemed easy enough; I cooked for him, made sure he took his medicine and provided a stable situation for him to live in. He kept talking about leaving, about wanting to go live on his own, but I knew it wasn't safe for him. So I kept trying different avenues to find him someplace "safe" to go. And as is the case with Alzheimer's a relatively benign situation went from zero to sixty crazy-out-of-control in seconds flat. I ended up having to call the police when I finally realized what I thought I had "under control" was clearly not!

I've been around the block a few times with these sorts of experiences, and should have recognized the warning signs when they're waving in my face, like a big red cape being flapped in front of a charging bull, but I didn't. Or I chose not to, thinking maybe this time it would all work out ok. This time, I could handle it.

What are the warning signs of being "an out of control" healer? When you find yourself spending time, energy, money, or emotion on trying to make something "better" or "o.k." for someone else. When things keep getting worse, and doors keep shutting, and yet you keep going, searching and searching for some other solution to a "problem" that isn't yours to solve in the first place. When the people who really should care and be involved aren't. And lastly, when the person you're trying to "help" clearly doesn't want your help, despite how bad the situation appears.

Having been involved with alcoholics and addicts for much of my life, I've developed the tendency towards co-dependency. We hear this term a lot, but do you know what it means? Here's Wikiepedia's definition:

"The dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. A tendency to behave in an overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's own life."

Does this sound familiar to you? It describes me to a "t"! And the most remarkable thing I've discovered is when you find yourself in this situation, it's never about the other person; it's always about you! Where are your needs not being met? We tend to do for others what we wish would be done for ourselves; get some help, some guidance, a hug, or just permission to turn it over to a higher source for healing and transmutation and let go for a while.

The axiom "healer heal thyself" is so true. Often we become healers or caretakers of others when we most need to focus on our own health and wellness. It's a signal to step back, go within, and ask your higher self "what do I need help with today?" And then give yourself permission to notice what comes up and take action, or better yet, just receive it when the help shows up!

I realized I have been "doing" for everyone around me, and ignoring my own inner need to rest, take it easy, back off from all my activities and commitments, and just give myself a much needed "time out". But again, as out of control healers, it seems selfish to ignore the needs of others, the pain or desperation or poverty or depression or illness, or whatever it is that is pulling at you. "They need me!! I have to help them" Really? This sort of thinking is really pretty arrogant when you step back and think about it.

It means you don't think that other person is capable of making decisions for themselves, or of taking care of their needs, or of making a choice that suits them at that point in time. It means that you think your way is better, and how arrogant is that?!

When we don't let those around us experience the life lessons they need to experience, we act as God, and say "You can have this, but not this." It is us choosing for another person what is right for them. Now of course there's situations where we have to behave that way, such as being a parent. Being a good parent to a child means setting boundaries, and saying no to things that may not be good for that child.

But when you get into doing this for adults, that's another matter entirely. If someone you love is choosing to take drugs or smoke or partake of behaviors that clearly don't seem to be good for them, of course, intercede and see if it is really a cry for help. But if you keep putting them in a detox center, and they keep falling off the wagon, or ending up in jail or on the streets, it's probably a signal that you need to step back and let that person experience what they're needing to experience. It is probably one of their life lessons, and by you trying to "fix it" for them, you're keeping them from the growth they came to this body to experience.

AA really has a handle on teaching those in recovery to recognize the difference here. Their whole message is about focusing on your own self-healing, and learning your own life lessons. You know the famous "Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
                 --Reinhold Niebuhr

Really look at it, and ponder it. It is all about learning to heal yourself and to recognize those situations that trigger our "out of control healer" tendencies.

As I write this, I've given myself permission for the last three weeks to go within, and to see what needs are not being met for myself by allowing the man with Alzheimer's to come into my life. He was my mirror, reflecting back to me where I need to take care of myself. It has meant not over-committing myself to activities, giving myself permission to just take it easy without having to do anything but heal.  It has been a very difficult, but very necessary "time out" and I once again feel able to be in this world as a balanced, healthy healer, capable of helping others in a safe neutral way as I help myself.

I was talking with my good friend Helena Mazzariello, owner of Spirit In Joy, the other day, and the topic of Toxic Loyalty kept coming up.

I had never heard it termed in quite that way, but as we talked, I realized I was guilty of spreading Toxic Loyalty all over my life! And by extension, all over the lives of people I loved too!

What is it? Toxic Loyalty is very hard to spot, primarily because as a society, specifically us women, we are taught to be there for others no matter what. It's a shining star on our chest that we're a good person, that we're worthy of being liked or loved. Loyalty to our jobs, our bosses, our friends, lovers and family is a very admirable trait. However, when it becomes toxic, it is damaging both to ourselves and those we're trying to "help."

You'll know your loyalty has become toxic when you start to resent the very situation or person you're being loyal to. For me, it was scattered all over my life, in every aspect of what I do and how I behave. Feeling loyal to my business, Gearhead, and all the bands and people I worked with, I almost killed myself trying to be there for everyone, and trying to do the things they wanted me to do. I saw I used that martyr mentality as a way of proving my worthiness to those around me, and to myself, as a way of proving I was worth liking, and of being loved.

Instead of just saying no, I got myself in deeper and deeper, until I hated the people I was working with, and the projects I was spending so much time and money trying to create.

In my volunteer projects, I saw too that I was allowing toxic loyalty to dictate what I kept doing for free. Giving my time and energy away to help organizations, like one's church or school, is a valuable part of being in service to others. However, when it feels like those organizations or institutions are sucking you dry, and you no longer feel the joy of helping, it's time to step back and take a look at how you're valuing yourself and your time.

Where has unbalance set in, and where are you no longer honoring your self worth by setting boundaries? I have been feeling tremendously guilty because some gardens I was volunteering to take care of were taking so much time and energy, I was starting to resent the commitment I had made. What used to be fun for me, and give me tremendous pleasure as I transformed sick unloved property into a thing of beauty became another chore, another list of things I HAD to do because I had promised I would do it. I had given my word, and I was gonna stick to it no matter what.

I started finding excuses not to go work on the gardens because there no longer was a balance there in what I was doing. I was no longer getting back as much as I was giving out, a sure sign that my loyalty had grown toxic.

I was simply going because I had promised I would. The purpose had been served, but instead of ending my service consciously and with truth and honor, I went into hiding and avoidance of the situation, hoping it would go away, but guilt was eating away at the back of my mind.

Where is toxic loyalty affecting your life? Are you doing a job that you feel you're not being paid well enough for? There was a time that it was worth it, and you were grateful for the opportunity, but has that changed? Do you feel now you're giving more than you're getting? This is the ongoing dance of human relations and balance. When we no longer feel we're getting out of a situation as much as we're putting in, it's time to examine your motives and determine whether you need to speak up, and ask for more because you know you're worth it, or maybe it's time to end your commitment to that project or person.

Toxic loyalty can also affect our personal relationships. I had a friendship where I was constantly helping and coaching a friend who had drama after drama in her life. And I was happy to do it, because I loved her and valued her friendship and our time together. But after a few years of this, I started to feel I was getting the short end of the stick. Whenever I had a problem, she was never there for me, and I was starting to resent that. I finally said something to her; I told her I loved our friendship, but felt it was time to balance my giving with a bit more receiving from her as far as support went. I felt I was worth that, and so was our friendship.

Well, she got so angry at me, and shouted at me how dare I say she wasn't supportive. Instead of having a discussion, she became angry and abusive, and chose to end our friendship right there and then. That was the last time I ever talked to her, not by my choice, but through how my words were received. It's not my problem how she received it, and I can't change that. I don't regret being honest and saying I needed more out of the relationship. It came from a sincere place of love and grace.

When that relationship ended, I felt a deep sadness, but also a lightness in my body. I was no longer responsible for propping someone else up, simply because she was my friend. That toxic friendship ended probably much later than it should have and on a much more dramatic level than had I simply noticed the resentment building in my soul earlier and spoken up.

I chose to ignore it because we are not taught to speak up and bring attention to our worthiness, our value, of being paid well or treated fairly.

This is an ongoing lesson in my life, and clearly one I am still working on. But I am doing better about speaking up before the resentment is really bubbling. I now ask my romantic partner for help around the house, instead of seething that he doesn't notice the dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher, or the floor needs to be swept.

In my career I was able to voice that I was worth more than I was getting paid, and while that has changed in one circumstance, it's being considered in the second. I'm ok with that. I spoke up, and asked for more, because I'm worth it. And in my volunteer work, I am now stepping back and examining where I can truly give my time and energy in a way that honors my needs as well as those that I am volunteering to help.

If resentment starts to creep back in, I know I'm doing too much and undervaluing my worth by giving away too much. It's a constant balancing act, but now that I'm much more aware of my tendency towards Toxic Loyalty, it's much easier for me to step back and re-set my boundaries.

Lesson for Today: Notice where Toxic Loyalty may be affecting your life, your relationships, your career space, or your activities, and be willing to consider that maybe you're undervaluing yourself, and it's time to speak up.

Spring time is in the air, and the desire to throw open the windows and bring in delicious flower-scented air and sunlight into my home floods through me.

There's a reason why Spring Cleaning has been a tradition for hundreds of years. After a cramped dark winter, energy gets trapped in your home, and can become suffocating for people sensitive to toxic energy build up. This happens normally to everyone, although some of us may not be aware that clutter building up in your home is a sign of toxic clutter building up in your soul as well.

So it is with renewed energy and conviction that I set about trying to discover the source of the clutter in my home. The picture above is my kitchen counter after a two trips through of throwing stuff away! Yikes!! And my whole house isn't much better. There is stuff, and piles and junk everywhere, and the frustration I've been feeling trying to deal with it finally exploded this morning as I decided I was getting to the bottom of what was going on!

As The Rolling Stones sing, "I can't get no Satisfaction, no no no!" Can't you just hear the frustration pouring out of Mick's big pouty lips? I can relate, let me tell you!!

So I sat down to pray and go inside to see what was going on. I discovered a world of emotional clutter deep within my heart charkra (the area right in the center of your chest) and my 3rd chakra, the center of one's personal power, located at your solar plexis. I've been having trouble breathing these last couple of weeks and also have been waking up scratching around my 3rd and 4th chakras. The itching has been so intense i wanted to scream, but nothing I did made it stop. It was a deep internal, beneath the skin type of itching.

As I looked with in, I could see the cluttery build up of smokey-black-gray energy all around these chakras, and realized I was carrying around so much toxic emotion, it was literally suffocating me from the inside out.

It's no wonder that my home felt like a disaster area! One of the Spiritual Laws of Attraction is, "As Within, So Without". If you're a mess on the inside, chances are your physical surroundings are going to reflect that back to you with piles of clutter and junk everywhere, that, no matter how many times you try to get rid of it, it just seems to come back.

I saw where so much pain and unworthiness and self-loathing had bubbled up in my 3rd and 4th chakras. I've regularly been giving my power away unconsciously to those I felt were better than me on some level. And self-love? I had none.... it was depleted as I ran myself ragged these last few months trying to give outwardly to others what I so desperately needed to give myself: some love and tenderness and compassion.

I've been unable to make decisions about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my life for a while now, and it was finally catching up with me. That state of being in a holding pattern meant nothing could come in, and nothing could go out. I was so paralyzed by fear and indecision, that I sat stewing in all that toxic indecision until my body and my physical surroundings started to reflect my emotional state.

Have you been trying to lose weight, but not making any progress at all? I certainly have. Carrying around twenty extra pounds feels like hell, but because I was carrying around all this toxic emotional baggage of unworthiness and undeservingness, my body held onto that weight for dear life, reflecting the emotional clutter, heaviness and turmoil I was feeling to the outside world.

I could see the damage for myself; hanging onto toxic anger, blame, hate, competition, unworthiness and fear not only build up in one's energetic and spiritual body, but also in one's physical space, in one's home.

Look around you. If you see piles of clutter that seem to never dissipate despite diligently throwing things away, recycling and donating, take this as a clue. Look within. What are you hanging onto emotionally? Where are you stuck, and not making a decision? What toxic energy is building up within your chakras that you are ignoring, hoping it will go away? Are you holding onto blame? A Victim mentality? Anger? Unworthiness?

Be gentle with yourself. Close your eyes and send a prayer out to The Universe for help finding the source of your physical clutter and excess weight (if that's one of your issues). Notice what you notice. It may come to you as a picture in your head, as a gentle whisper inside your brain, or as a knowing....what hurt or anger or fear are you holding onto that you haven't been able to deal with?

Do some emotional spring cleaning by writing down those insights, and then go outside and burn them to released them from your auric field. Be kind to yourself afterwards, maybe taking a bath, or a walk, or buying yourself some flowers. And just notice how your outside world starts to shift in reflection of this inner healing.

Then when you feel you have the energy, tackle one small pile of clutter with the intention, "As Within, So Without" and know that pile of clutter will never come back again. Congratulations!! Enjoy the fresh air!!

Being honest with ourselves is probably one of the hardest things for humans. There's always reasons and excuses about why we can't move forward, why we are stuck, why we can't do and achieve the things we long to do.

But the truth is, we create those limits for ourselves. I often hear clients say, "I'd do this BUT, I don't have enough time, money, help, experience...".Blah blah blah....insert whatever excuse you want here. But the truth really is that you've created a block to not take a step forward. No one else does that to you, you do it to yourself. You have no one else to blame but yourself for the place you're at right now.

Now I'm not trying to be mean here or judge you or critique you. I'm simply stating a fact. And I know this because I do it to myself all the time, but am only just now starting to see the repercussions in my own life. 

I discovered this quite by accident. I've been doing alot of work on getting honest with myself about my self-made limiting beliefs of what I can and can't do. I've really worked hard to be truthful with myself about where I place limits on what I can have and create in my life. I have been stuck in this cycle of lack for a long long time, but every time I think I've finally healed, and moved past it, something would smack me upside the head, and I'd be right back in that limiting place: I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not creative enough, my boyfriend and family won't let me do this, I don't have enough experience, education, resources....blah blah blah! ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! When will it stop!? I'm so done with these limiting beliefs! I want to shine and thrive!!

Recently, some friends hired me to redesign their backyard for them. I'm thrilled-it's exactly the type of garden work I love! They want a backyard that is filled with native, water-wise plants that attract birds, butterflies, beneficial insects, hummingbirds and all God's wonderful creatures. This is the sort of gardening that I wish everyone would do! Of course I told them yes, I can help them. I went to their garden to  see what I had to work with, and I was so excited. There was so much potential there, once the overgrown foliage had been cleared out!

 I didn't have to do the work; they already had someone to do the labor.
All I had to do was come up with the design and plant list! However, I could feel the fear start to creep in as I spoke with them, and I started looking at all the excuses that were popping up in my mind about why I shouldn't take this job: I never got my landscape architect degree, I don't have the experience or skills to create what they want, I don't have the resources to put in the hard-scape, it's gonna be really expensive and maybe they won't have the budget to pull off this job....blah blah blah! I could see they were starting to get frustrated with me, and I was starting to get frustrated with myself.

I left their house petrified out of my mind. Oh my God, I can't do this! What was I thinking!!?? This is an enormous job, and there's no way I can pull this off. I better call and tell them to find someone else....wham! There were those limits and excuses, again, hitting me square in the face.

I was so tired when I got home, all I could do was go sit in a sea-salt bath and pray for guidance. I could see the limits in my space, but wasn't sure how to move past them. I went to bed and decided I'd look at these pictures again when I woke up.

I woke up with an answer about what was going on. Yes, I had done a tremendous amount of work, clearing my own fears, limits and insecurities. But because I was so used to limiting myself, I put my pictures of lack and limit in the energetic fields of the people around me. So that when I started to move past my own limits, I'd bump into them again, reflected back to me from the people I loved! Those weren't their beliefs, those were mine!! And so the cycle would start over again. Of course I could never get away from these limits because I was constantly bumping into them outside of my space, thinking they were what other people thought of me and my skills, when in fact it was my own beliefs. I created my own prison.

Are you starting to get the picture here? We create our own self-fulfilling experiences of failure and lack by unconsciously giving other people the power, thinking it's their judgements when in fact, it's really our own, put outside of our consciousness, to reflect back to us when we start to move beyond our comfort zone of what we think we can have or do or be.

We assume our loved ones won't let us fly, when the truth is, it's our own fears and insecurities limiting us. We simply don't own it for ourselves because that kind of truth is pretty hard to swallow.

Think back on the last time you really just went for it and didn't worry about what you thought you could do, or not do. When you totally trusted yourself and your inner knowing. For me, there's two distinct time periods that pop into my mind: when I was 11 and when I was 18.

At 11 years old, I was a strange kid. I admit it! I totally marched to the beat of my own drummer and didn't think twice about what anyone else around me thought or did. I fully listened to my inner voice and followed my creative ideals. I was obsessed with the Little House on the Prairie
books, and got my mom to make me a pinafore and sunbonnet set, which I wore to school all the time. I still remember my teacher, Mr. Ricci, looking at me like I was nuts, but I was so certain about what I wanted to do, I didn't worry about it. I took my sunbonnet off, and hung it up on the hook every day, just like Laura Ingalls Wilder. I remember my mom and brothers and sisters begging me to not wear that stupid sunbonnet everywhere I went, but I didn't listen to them. It made me happy and that was all that mattered! Eventually, I grew out of that phase, but I still remember how much pleasure it brought me to totally trust myself and what I wanted and to do it with totally faith and confidence!

When I was 18, it was a very similar thing. I had some deep strong inner knowing that I was powerful beyond belief, and I could make a difference in the world. I started a recycling program at the high school (this was way before it was an accepted thing) and put recycle boxes I had made in every class room. I went around once a week and collected the recycling and regularly shared with students and teachers what could and could not be put in those boxes! People thought I was nuts, but they humored me and started recycling.

I became vegetarian, long before it was an accepted practice, and of course my family and friends were stunned and totally didn't understand me at all! But it didn't matter, I knew it was what I needed to do for myself, and I didn't cave into the pressure around me. Eventually I stopped being vegetarian, guided by my body as to what I needed, and I didn't question it. I entered college that fall and took graduate level classes because they interested me, not caring that my advisor said the classes were too advanced for me. I excelled at them because it was what I wanted to do! That summer, I became the head dinner cook at a field station in Eastern Oregon, Malheur Field Station, planning all the menus, doing all the shopping and doing all the cooking, sometimes for up to 200 people. It never occurred to me I couldn't do it. I had such a strong inner knowing and confidence I just figured it out and I loved it!

I don't know why that confidence went away, why I started limiting myself and my abilities. It doesn't really matter. It's taken me 30 years to finally realize that I've created this prison of limiting beliefs for myself by expecting eveyone around me to hold those same limiting beliefs. And now that I've finally gotten to the truth for myself, I am ready to move past these excuses and step into my power.

Yes, I am fully capable of creating miracles and joy and abundance and wonderful new opportunities to grow and expand my life. I own the truth that I created the excuses to limit myself, and now I'm owning that I can destroy those limits. I'm ready to fly high. And so can you.

"Me and my shadow,
Strolling down the avenue,
Me and my shadow,
Not a soul to tell our troubles to . . .

And when it’s twelve o’clock,
We climb the stair,
We never knock,
For nobody’s there . . .

Just me and my shadow,
All alone and feelin’ blue . . ."

Written in 1927, this popular song has been recorded by everyone from Al Jolson to Robbie Williams. Why is that? And what does it actually mean?

Debbie Ford, the bestselling author of self-help book "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" built a career around helping people get to know their shadow self, the dark hidden recesses of the subconscious mind that are often built on fear, pain, and trauma. She looked at the shadows of the human experience, using her own life as the example. She battled drug addiction, abuse, divorce and a myriad of other painful episodes and came out of it with the fire and gumption to help others see where their own shadow-self might be causing conflict in their own life.

As a healer, I often see how much the unexplored shadow side of my clients' lives affect them in present time. But it's very hard to talk about this with them unless their very open and very committed to healing.

It's no coincidence then that as news came out yesterday, 2/18/13, that Debbie Ford had passed away after a long struggle with cancer, that I finally started to see where my own shadow self was negatively impacting me taking my own steps forward, and my own healing.

As you know, I own a record company, Gearhead Records, and have worked in the music industry for over 25 years. It's an ugly industry based on competition, fear, abuse, striving, and one-up-man-ship. And I am willing to admit, I found myself matching that energy with my company, as much as I consciously worked to be separate from it.

But time after time, I found myself in situations where people I trusted and bands I worked with stabbed me in the back, abused and used me, and in general took advantage of me to get ahead. I was often wracked with jealousy and competition as other labels took the bands I had worked so hard to break and capitalized on their success, while I sat in the background, the shadows, hurt, and squashed down, feeling neglected and walked on as these individuals stopped at nothing to make their own careers and businesses successful.

You'd think being in the field of healing and clairvoyant work that I'd be able to recognize immediately in myself where my unhealed shadow-self was popping up over and over again, but it's very hard to look at one's self and get the lessons, even as a teacher of this type of work!

I finally reached out to a friend, who is also a healer, for help. Why was I continuing to create episodes in my life where jealousy and competition and abuse kept smacking me in the face? With her help, I was able to finally look at my unhealed shadow-self, and boy was I surprised at what was there!

We attract into our lives experiences that help us heal and grow. And when you have a lesson you need to learn, it will keep entering your life until you get it. Always. And it gets louder and stronger until you're ready to pay attention to it. This is one of the Universal Laws of Attraction.

As I look back over the years at the myriad of abusive lovers, friends, jobs, bosses, and experiences I've been through, there is a common thread there, all going back to childhood yet again.

The feeling of unworthiness permeates every single one of those experiences. The people who kept abusing me were literally being called into my life to help me look at that long-buried self-belief: I AM NOT WORTHY. I created all those situations so I could look at that unconscious belief I've held about myself since childhood.

Why has it taken me so long to finally shed light on this shadow-side of myself? All I can say is that until now, I just wasn't ready to own it for myself, to heal it, and to release it. Why I'm ready now, I can't tell you. I just know I am.

As my friend communicated to me this information that my higher self already knew, I started crying, and I could feel this ball of pain, hurt and sickness in my stomach start to release. She recommended that to further release it I run RAGE through my body.

Anger is a tremendously healing emotion. It's one we're taught as children to stuff down though, as it can be firey and out of control, and dangerous. It can really freak people out.

The last episode of abuse and betrayal in my life, where a band I had loved and nurtured literally turned their back on me and took all my hard work and just gave it to a former friend who started his own record label, was still sitting, unspoken, in my gut. I had chosen to take the high road, and to wish them luck and fortune and not speak of the anger and jealously I felt, and those unspoken emotions were literally eating away at my inside, in my 3rd chakra, the center of power.

By embracing the anger I feel around this horrible action by people I loved I can heal myself. It's ok to give expression to anger and rage. It helps one re-set one's boundaries and re-own one's power. And that's ok!! That's good!!

Where is there unexpressed anger in your life? Give yourself a gift today, and let it out. Find a place where you can be alone, like your bedroom. Close all the doors, and all the windows, and if there's others in your house, let them know you're going to SAFELY release the rage and pain that have built up in your gut. Maybe put the cat or dog outside so they don't freak out. Grab a couple of pillows and smoosh them to your face. And then, start yelling and screaming. Find that rage inside, that anger, and tap into it. Think about all the things your upset and hurt about, or jealous of, and start screaming it out!! Express it!! Release it!! Release it Consciously!! You may start crying, or laughing as you access these deep hidden shadow emotions; that's ok! However it comes out, let it! Do not censor or edit yourself, just keep screaming or shouting into those pillows until it dissipates. Maybe you need to physically bang those pillows around (make sure they're not feather pillows, or they may burst LOL!) do it!! Let it come out in this very safe way and notice how good it feels.....

As you release you are using the burning fire of anger and rage to heal yourself, to release your shadow emotions.... and trust me, you will feel better.

As I give myself the gift of saying hello to my shadow-self, I can move forward more easily and shine my light more clearly, because there is nothing hidden. Give yourself this gift. You will be amazed at the lessons your shadow-self has waiting for you!