We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

"If I just try a little harder, I can fix this situation for everyone!" How often have you thought this? How often has this worked out for you? How often has this belief sent you spiraling down a course of action that gets further and further out of your control and ability to "fix" it?

I got yet another chance to say hello to my tendency to be an "out of control" healer when a gentleman in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's fell into my lap recently.

Through a series of complicated events, he wound up in Sacramento with no family and no place to stay, so he came to stay with us for a while.

At first it seemed easy enough; I cooked for him, made sure he took his medicine and provided a stable situation for him to live in. He kept talking about leaving, about wanting to go live on his own, but I knew it wasn't safe for him. So I kept trying different avenues to find him someplace "safe" to go. And as is the case with Alzheimer's a relatively benign situation went from zero to sixty crazy-out-of-control in seconds flat. I ended up having to call the police when I finally realized what I thought I had "under control" was clearly not!

I've been around the block a few times with these sorts of experiences, and should have recognized the warning signs when they're waving in my face, like a big red cape being flapped in front of a charging bull, but I didn't. Or I chose not to, thinking maybe this time it would all work out ok. This time, I could handle it.

What are the warning signs of being "an out of control" healer? When you find yourself spending time, energy, money, or emotion on trying to make something "better" or "o.k." for someone else. When things keep getting worse, and doors keep shutting, and yet you keep going, searching and searching for some other solution to a "problem" that isn't yours to solve in the first place. When the people who really should care and be involved aren't. And lastly, when the person you're trying to "help" clearly doesn't want your help, despite how bad the situation appears.

Having been involved with alcoholics and addicts for much of my life, I've developed the tendency towards co-dependency. We hear this term a lot, but do you know what it means? Here's Wikiepedia's definition:

"The dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. A tendency to behave in an overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's own life."

Does this sound familiar to you? It describes me to a "t"! And the most remarkable thing I've discovered is when you find yourself in this situation, it's never about the other person; it's always about you! Where are your needs not being met? We tend to do for others what we wish would be done for ourselves; get some help, some guidance, a hug, or just permission to turn it over to a higher source for healing and transmutation and let go for a while.

The axiom "healer heal thyself" is so true. Often we become healers or caretakers of others when we most need to focus on our own health and wellness. It's a signal to step back, go within, and ask your higher self "what do I need help with today?" And then give yourself permission to notice what comes up and take action, or better yet, just receive it when the help shows up!

I realized I have been "doing" for everyone around me, and ignoring my own inner need to rest, take it easy, back off from all my activities and commitments, and just give myself a much needed "time out". But again, as out of control healers, it seems selfish to ignore the needs of others, the pain or desperation or poverty or depression or illness, or whatever it is that is pulling at you. "They need me!! I have to help them" Really? This sort of thinking is really pretty arrogant when you step back and think about it.

It means you don't think that other person is capable of making decisions for themselves, or of taking care of their needs, or of making a choice that suits them at that point in time. It means that you think your way is better, and how arrogant is that?!

When we don't let those around us experience the life lessons they need to experience, we act as God, and say "You can have this, but not this." It is us choosing for another person what is right for them. Now of course there's situations where we have to behave that way, such as being a parent. Being a good parent to a child means setting boundaries, and saying no to things that may not be good for that child.

But when you get into doing this for adults, that's another matter entirely. If someone you love is choosing to take drugs or smoke or partake of behaviors that clearly don't seem to be good for them, of course, intercede and see if it is really a cry for help. But if you keep putting them in a detox center, and they keep falling off the wagon, or ending up in jail or on the streets, it's probably a signal that you need to step back and let that person experience what they're needing to experience. It is probably one of their life lessons, and by you trying to "fix it" for them, you're keeping them from the growth they came to this body to experience.

AA really has a handle on teaching those in recovery to recognize the difference here. Their whole message is about focusing on your own self-healing, and learning your own life lessons. You know the famous "Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
                 --Reinhold Niebuhr

Really look at it, and ponder it. It is all about learning to heal yourself and to recognize those situations that trigger our "out of control healer" tendencies.

As I write this, I've given myself permission for the last three weeks to go within, and to see what needs are not being met for myself by allowing the man with Alzheimer's to come into my life. He was my mirror, reflecting back to me where I need to take care of myself. It has meant not over-committing myself to activities, giving myself permission to just take it easy without having to do anything but heal.  It has been a very difficult, but very necessary "time out" and I once again feel able to be in this world as a balanced, healthy healer, capable of helping others in a safe neutral way as I help myself.

I was talking with my good friend Helena Mazzariello, owner of Spirit In Joy, the other day, and the topic of Toxic Loyalty kept coming up.

I had never heard it termed in quite that way, but as we talked, I realized I was guilty of spreading Toxic Loyalty all over my life! And by extension, all over the lives of people I loved too!

What is it? Toxic Loyalty is very hard to spot, primarily because as a society, specifically us women, we are taught to be there for others no matter what. It's a shining star on our chest that we're a good person, that we're worthy of being liked or loved. Loyalty to our jobs, our bosses, our friends, lovers and family is a very admirable trait. However, when it becomes toxic, it is damaging both to ourselves and those we're trying to "help."

You'll know your loyalty has become toxic when you start to resent the very situation or person you're being loyal to. For me, it was scattered all over my life, in every aspect of what I do and how I behave. Feeling loyal to my business, Gearhead, and all the bands and people I worked with, I almost killed myself trying to be there for everyone, and trying to do the things they wanted me to do. I saw I used that martyr mentality as a way of proving my worthiness to those around me, and to myself, as a way of proving I was worth liking, and of being loved.

Instead of just saying no, I got myself in deeper and deeper, until I hated the people I was working with, and the projects I was spending so much time and money trying to create.

In my volunteer projects, I saw too that I was allowing toxic loyalty to dictate what I kept doing for free. Giving my time and energy away to help organizations, like one's church or school, is a valuable part of being in service to others. However, when it feels like those organizations or institutions are sucking you dry, and you no longer feel the joy of helping, it's time to step back and take a look at how you're valuing yourself and your time.

Where has unbalance set in, and where are you no longer honoring your self worth by setting boundaries? I have been feeling tremendously guilty because some gardens I was volunteering to take care of were taking so much time and energy, I was starting to resent the commitment I had made. What used to be fun for me, and give me tremendous pleasure as I transformed sick unloved property into a thing of beauty became another chore, another list of things I HAD to do because I had promised I would do it. I had given my word, and I was gonna stick to it no matter what.

I started finding excuses not to go work on the gardens because there no longer was a balance there in what I was doing. I was no longer getting back as much as I was giving out, a sure sign that my loyalty had grown toxic.

I was simply going because I had promised I would. The purpose had been served, but instead of ending my service consciously and with truth and honor, I went into hiding and avoidance of the situation, hoping it would go away, but guilt was eating away at the back of my mind.

Where is toxic loyalty affecting your life? Are you doing a job that you feel you're not being paid well enough for? There was a time that it was worth it, and you were grateful for the opportunity, but has that changed? Do you feel now you're giving more than you're getting? This is the ongoing dance of human relations and balance. When we no longer feel we're getting out of a situation as much as we're putting in, it's time to examine your motives and determine whether you need to speak up, and ask for more because you know you're worth it, or maybe it's time to end your commitment to that project or person.

Toxic loyalty can also affect our personal relationships. I had a friendship where I was constantly helping and coaching a friend who had drama after drama in her life. And I was happy to do it, because I loved her and valued her friendship and our time together. But after a few years of this, I started to feel I was getting the short end of the stick. Whenever I had a problem, she was never there for me, and I was starting to resent that. I finally said something to her; I told her I loved our friendship, but felt it was time to balance my giving with a bit more receiving from her as far as support went. I felt I was worth that, and so was our friendship.

Well, she got so angry at me, and shouted at me how dare I say she wasn't supportive. Instead of having a discussion, she became angry and abusive, and chose to end our friendship right there and then. That was the last time I ever talked to her, not by my choice, but through how my words were received. It's not my problem how she received it, and I can't change that. I don't regret being honest and saying I needed more out of the relationship. It came from a sincere place of love and grace.

When that relationship ended, I felt a deep sadness, but also a lightness in my body. I was no longer responsible for propping someone else up, simply because she was my friend. That toxic friendship ended probably much later than it should have and on a much more dramatic level than had I simply noticed the resentment building in my soul earlier and spoken up.

I chose to ignore it because we are not taught to speak up and bring attention to our worthiness, our value, of being paid well or treated fairly.

This is an ongoing lesson in my life, and clearly one I am still working on. But I am doing better about speaking up before the resentment is really bubbling. I now ask my romantic partner for help around the house, instead of seething that he doesn't notice the dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher, or the floor needs to be swept.

In my career I was able to voice that I was worth more than I was getting paid, and while that has changed in one circumstance, it's being considered in the second. I'm ok with that. I spoke up, and asked for more, because I'm worth it. And in my volunteer work, I am now stepping back and examining where I can truly give my time and energy in a way that honors my needs as well as those that I am volunteering to help.

If resentment starts to creep back in, I know I'm doing too much and undervaluing my worth by giving away too much. It's a constant balancing act, but now that I'm much more aware of my tendency towards Toxic Loyalty, it's much easier for me to step back and re-set my boundaries.

Lesson for Today: Notice where Toxic Loyalty may be affecting your life, your relationships, your career space, or your activities, and be willing to consider that maybe you're undervaluing yourself, and it's time to speak up.

Spring time is in the air, and the desire to throw open the windows and bring in delicious flower-scented air and sunlight into my home floods through me.

There's a reason why Spring Cleaning has been a tradition for hundreds of years. After a cramped dark winter, energy gets trapped in your home, and can become suffocating for people sensitive to toxic energy build up. This happens normally to everyone, although some of us may not be aware that clutter building up in your home is a sign of toxic clutter building up in your soul as well.

So it is with renewed energy and conviction that I set about trying to discover the source of the clutter in my home. The picture above is my kitchen counter after a two trips through of throwing stuff away! Yikes!! And my whole house isn't much better. There is stuff, and piles and junk everywhere, and the frustration I've been feeling trying to deal with it finally exploded this morning as I decided I was getting to the bottom of what was going on!

As The Rolling Stones sing, "I can't get no Satisfaction, no no no!" Can't you just hear the frustration pouring out of Mick's big pouty lips? I can relate, let me tell you!!

So I sat down to pray and go inside to see what was going on. I discovered a world of emotional clutter deep within my heart charkra (the area right in the center of your chest) and my 3rd chakra, the center of one's personal power, located at your solar plexis. I've been having trouble breathing these last couple of weeks and also have been waking up scratching around my 3rd and 4th chakras. The itching has been so intense i wanted to scream, but nothing I did made it stop. It was a deep internal, beneath the skin type of itching.

As I looked with in, I could see the cluttery build up of smokey-black-gray energy all around these chakras, and realized I was carrying around so much toxic emotion, it was literally suffocating me from the inside out.

It's no wonder that my home felt like a disaster area! One of the Spiritual Laws of Attraction is, "As Within, So Without". If you're a mess on the inside, chances are your physical surroundings are going to reflect that back to you with piles of clutter and junk everywhere, that, no matter how many times you try to get rid of it, it just seems to come back.

I saw where so much pain and unworthiness and self-loathing had bubbled up in my 3rd and 4th chakras. I've regularly been giving my power away unconsciously to those I felt were better than me on some level. And self-love? I had none.... it was depleted as I ran myself ragged these last few months trying to give outwardly to others what I so desperately needed to give myself: some love and tenderness and compassion.

I've been unable to make decisions about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my life for a while now, and it was finally catching up with me. That state of being in a holding pattern meant nothing could come in, and nothing could go out. I was so paralyzed by fear and indecision, that I sat stewing in all that toxic indecision until my body and my physical surroundings started to reflect my emotional state.

Have you been trying to lose weight, but not making any progress at all? I certainly have. Carrying around twenty extra pounds feels like hell, but because I was carrying around all this toxic emotional baggage of unworthiness and undeservingness, my body held onto that weight for dear life, reflecting the emotional clutter, heaviness and turmoil I was feeling to the outside world.

I could see the damage for myself; hanging onto toxic anger, blame, hate, competition, unworthiness and fear not only build up in one's energetic and spiritual body, but also in one's physical space, in one's home.

Look around you. If you see piles of clutter that seem to never dissipate despite diligently throwing things away, recycling and donating, take this as a clue. Look within. What are you hanging onto emotionally? Where are you stuck, and not making a decision? What toxic energy is building up within your chakras that you are ignoring, hoping it will go away? Are you holding onto blame? A Victim mentality? Anger? Unworthiness?

Be gentle with yourself. Close your eyes and send a prayer out to The Universe for help finding the source of your physical clutter and excess weight (if that's one of your issues). Notice what you notice. It may come to you as a picture in your head, as a gentle whisper inside your brain, or as a knowing....what hurt or anger or fear are you holding onto that you haven't been able to deal with?

Do some emotional spring cleaning by writing down those insights, and then go outside and burn them to released them from your auric field. Be kind to yourself afterwards, maybe taking a bath, or a walk, or buying yourself some flowers. And just notice how your outside world starts to shift in reflection of this inner healing.

Then when you feel you have the energy, tackle one small pile of clutter with the intention, "As Within, So Without" and know that pile of clutter will never come back again. Congratulations!! Enjoy the fresh air!!

I had a lovely client come to me recently for guidance. She was in so much pain, it was radiating out of her like heat from a fever. While she felt like she would never feel better, I assured her she would. She looked at me like I was nuts and commented that she longed to be as calm as I was. I told her she had taken the first step on her path to bringing calm and serenity back into her life and that she too would one day feel the peace I feel.

My story is no different than hundreds of others who have gone before me. Amazing people with stories of heartache, destruction, abuse, despair. Somehow, by the Grace of God, I have healed. I have survived. And now, I am on a path of thriving as I help others to find their way as well.

Like many teenagers, I felt I was invincible, powerful and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. Working my way through college, I graduated with honors and set out to explore the world, eager to taste all the treasures and treats that lay before me. I found myself in San Francisco, and fell madly in love with a man whom I can only say I thought was a genius. I was swept off my feet, and nine months later we were married.

Shortly after that, my fairytale romance started to crumble. The man was an alcoholic, and while I knew that, I was certain it wouldn't affect my life. I was that confident that I had everything under control and could handle anything that came my way that I overlooked this seemingly small detail.

The abuse started in very subtle ways. Critiquing my choices of activities and friends. Jealousy and pouting when I would make plans to spend time with friends. Making comments that left me feeling I was not good enough. My strong confidence in myself started to erode, and I found myself giving up my activities, my friends and spending all my time worrying about keeping him happy.

The first time he hit me, I was in shock and denial. It was stupid-he threw the TV remote control at me and hit me square in the face. I had bruises running from my forehead to my chin, and when friends asked about it, I laughed and told them what had happened. The second time he hit me, it was in front of my sister, standing at a bus stop on a busy street in San Francisco. He was drunk and we were arguing, and while I was hurt and angry and pissed off, I made excuses to my sister. The next day he apologized and said it would never happen again, and I believed him.

Three years into our marriage,  I knew I was in hell. I was the sole breadwinner by this time, he having lost his job, and too messed up to go find another one. My days were spent working, coming home, making dinner he wouldn't eat till the next day, afraid I might poison him, so he'd wait to see if I died from the food I ate, and being on edge constantly, wondering when the next outburst would come.

The day I decided to leave him, he called me to tell me he wasn't feeling good and could I come home from work to help him. When I got there, he was vomiting blood. I called for an ambulance and waiting by the door while they worked on him, securing him to a stretcher to move him to the hospital. He had internal bleeding brought on by an extensive amount of alcohol and drugs.

I knew by this time I no longer had control of my life but had no idea what to do. I started seeing a therapist who kept suggesting I was the one with the problem, not him. Again, denial blinded me. I wasn't the drunk. I wasn't the one who wasn't working. I was just trying to help him! I fired that therapist and tried to figure it out by myself.

When he finally got out of the hospital, a nightmarish experience of detoxing that I would never wish on my worst enemy, I set my boundaries. We were moving, getting away from all the drugs and the alcohol, and going to live someplace calmer and more quiet so we could get our marriage back on track.

A few months after the move, he started drinking again, telling me that beer was not drinking, that now he was just the same as everyone else. He was working again, and felt like having a beer to unwind from work, and in my ignorance and denial, I wanted to believe him. When the shouting, control, and name calling started again, I kept telling myself he was just adjusting to our new life. I walked around on egg-shells, never knowing when he would lose it. I started seeing a therapist again who somehow finally got through to me that I was in an abusive relationship, and that he would not change, that I was the one who had to change. A friend suggested I read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, and I was shocked to see myself in those mind-blowing pages. He suggested I attend an Al Anon meeting too, or at least start reading the literature, and again, I was flabbergasted to see myself reflected in those pages.

The night my husband pulled a knife on me, and threatened to slit me from navel to nose, I finally realized I was in trouble. I never told a soul, too afraid people would judge me for the mistakes I'd made in wanting to trust him. That was the first time I started praying.

I had no idea where to go, or what to do, or how to get out of the situation I was in. After months of living in fear, going to bed each night with him standing over me flicking a knife open and shut, talking about Charles Manson and how much he admired him, I was not sure I would live to even move out, but I did.

But I still was unclear about God. Being raised Catholic, I was taught alot of things that really didn't make sense to me and how I saw God. But who was I to question? So I just stopped believing, stopped having faith in a higher power that wanted good for me and watched out for me. But now, I had no where else to turn, so I started talking to God regularly, and asking for help.

I started to get an inkling my prayers might be getting answered when I had managed to secretly secure a new apartment in a town that had a .5% vacancy rate. I called my parents and told them what was going on and asked for help. They drove all night and the next morning were there when he woke up to find me packing my stuff to move.

While I would like to say this is the last time I found myself in this situation, it wasn't. Despite months of abuse therapy and healing, I ended up repeating this type of relationship with a business partner with the verbal abuse, and accompanying loss of self-confidence.

When I finally worked up the courage after six years to end the partnership, I was really aware I had a problem with owning my own power. I constantly gave away my power and my seniority to those I thought knew more than I, were cooler than I, had more of an idea of how life should go than I.

I finally knew I couldn't live like that anymore, and found courage from deep with in, as well as from the new spiritual community I was becoming involved with. And again, lots of prayers.

As my life continued to melt down, I prayed harder and harder for help, until one day, I knew I had to just let go. It was like this sudden calm in a storm. I knew I could no longer fix my life despite all my efforts. I found myself in tears on the floor begging for help to end it all. To end the pain, the suffering, the fear, the stress, the constant worry that had followed me for almost fifteen years by this point. I was done. So with financial pressure crushing the life out of me, banks suing me, and my whole business headed for the cliff, I filed for bankruptcy and just let go. I surrendered. I couldn't control it anymore, and frankly didn't want to.

And that's when the miracle happened. And the healing began. I was guided to a decent compassionate lawyer (I know!) who helped me and emotionoally supported me through the bankruptcy, which ended up going so easily and smoothly, I knew a higher power was watching over me.

I started meditating, exercising, and going to spiritual awareness classes, and now, almost 5 years later, I find myself in this place of peace and joy, wholeness and calm.

I can honestly tell my clients that they too can find their way to this place by surrendering the control, and just having faith that they can change their lives because they're willing. Finding life affirming activities like meditation, prayer, spiritual support, and faith. But most of all, having courage that while it may seem rough right now, they will feel better, happy, and even want to laugh again.

I know without a doubt, because I've been there. The path is rocky, but I know I will always come to a place where it's smooth sailing for a while. But when the rough patches come, I know how to navigate now by leaning on God/The Universe/Source, praying, letting go of control, asking for help from friends and family, and stepping out in faith. There but for the Grace of God I go.

Today is a day dedicated to love. It's Valentine's Day, a day originally set aside during The Middle Ages to celebrate St. Valentine, a martyr who died on this day.

But this blog today is not about Valentine's Day. Rather, it is to share a rather remarkable experience that happened to me last night.

The world is filled with pain, angst, upsetment and anxiety right now. If you turn on the news here in the US, you'll read about the manhunt for a disturbed soul who targeted the police department in Los Angeles with a rampage of violence and death. There's political unrest in our government as the two opposing political parties battle over public policy on gun control, the environment, the economy and the other issues facing our country, with a stalemate of wills and ego that would put a Hollywood movie to shame.

I was getting tattooed last night, and any or you who have experienced this sort of body adornment know it's incredibly painful. But the end result is always so gratifying, it's worth a few hours of pain! I was laying on the table praying for help to get through the process. I was also using the many spiritual tools I have to grounding my body, but nothing seemed to work. The sting of the tattoo machine as it cut into my skin was excruciating, and I started thinking about all the various forms of torture used over the years to force one human's will on another.

Then the strangest thing happened. A young man came into the tattoo parlour with the picture of Archangel Metatron's healing cube, which the archangel uses to rid the body of pain and grief during spiritual healing sessions. He talked to one of the other artists working about getting it tattooed on him, and then he left.

This seemingly random incident jolted through me like lightning. Of all the prayers I had been sending up asking for help, it never occurred to me to call on Archangel Metatron! So mentally, I asked him to be with me and to give me guidance of how I could help my body get through the pain of tattooing, and instantly, I heard guidance inside my mind to start humming. I was willing to try anything at that point, so I did, softly to myself, but loudly enough that I was able to focus on the sound rather than the buzz of the tattoo machine. And then Archangel Sandalphon, the archangel of music,  communicated to me that the tone of my humming was raising the vibration of my cells above the pain!! I kept humming, and when the pain became noticable, I was directed to raise the pitch of my humming, since the higher the tone that was emminating from my humming, the higher frequency my body resonated at, and eventually, I was resonating above the pain of the whole process. These two archangels, who both originally walked the earth as men many years ago, knew instantly how to help my physical body rise above the low vibration of pain.

It sounds insane as I write this, but it is totally the truth. As I mentally asked them what was causing this to happen, they explained through pictures in my mind how this type of "Sound Healing" has been used for centuries to shift places where there is alot of pain and violence, whether it is one's own body (as during torture) or a city overcome with war, or government in-fighting. That as a group of healers, we have the ability to help our earth, governments, countries, cities, and inhabitants to heal by sending out high vibrational healing tones in the direction of where ever chaos and pain are occurring. It is a form of prayer when we are too close to a situation to be neutral. Indigenous cultures have used chanting and drumming for centuries to achieve the same effect.

This made perfect sense to me. As a little child, maybe you remember hearing something that was disturbing or upsetting, like your parents fighting, or a bully teasing you. What did you do? You put your hands over your ears and you started humming or chanting to drown out the aggressive sounds assaulting your ears and body. Children instinctively know how to rise above pain by using this built in form or healing. And that makes perfect sense, because Archangel Metatron's mission is to help children of all ages (even as adults, we are still someone's child!) find healing and peace. So why wouldn't he communicate this to children?

I was told that collectively, especially on this day of love, that we could evoke healing and peace in our communities by picturing places of discord surrounded by the high-vibrating tones of humming, either to yourself, or out loud by picturing the tone being directed to whomever or wherever you want to send healing thoughts. It allows the physical environment or people involved to rise above the chaos so spiritual healing can come in.

So today, when love is in the air and on our minds, join me in sending out the healing high-vibrating toning of light and love and peace to wherever there is discord in your life, or wherever you read about it in the news, or see it on TV. Why not? It certainly can't hurt, and maybe just maybe, it will open enough of a

It's winter, and like most gardeners, I'm going crazy. I long to be outside, breathing the fresh air, soaking up the sunshine and the rich smell of the fertile earth, lost to oblivion as I nurture my plants.

But it's so cold, the thought of going outside literally sends shivers up my spine. The plants are dormant right now, the earth is resting and it is a time for going within. While you can't see it, the plants are taking advantage of this down time to do some internal growth of their own. Roots are stretching deep into the soil, taking advantage of the extra moisture and nutrients all the rain has brought to them, surrounding them and bathing them in a rich brine of nitrogen, phosphorus, and potassium, essential building blocks for healthy plants.

When plants go dormant, all the sugars and nutrients stored in the leaves and the stems goes back to the roots to support this burst of growth that is occurring  in the depths of the dark soil during these winter months.

This is the perfect time to prune your plants. By cutting back all the extra growth that was put out during the warm months, you actually benefit your plants in many ways.

When you cut off stems and branches, you trigger the release of hormones in the plant's growing points which allow it to branch out, grow stronger, fuller and more healthy and robust. You can also use pruning to help guide and shape your plants into more beneficial growth patterns, opening them up to extra sunshine and air circulation. Maybe a wayward stem grew off to the an awkward angle, away from the main body of the plant. You can take this opportunity to remove it and shape your plant into a more cohesive balanced structure.

By removing dead, diseased or broken stems, you give the plant a healthy starting point to grow from when it starts unfurling new growth in the early spring.

Humans are so much like plants in this manner. The winter months are the perfect time to prune out what is no longer working in your life. As you clear old beliefs, old patterns, habits, and thoughts, you clear the old branches that no longer serve you as your reach for a healthy new beginning.

This is the perfect time to clear closets, kitchen cabinets, and hidden dark corners under the stairs and bathroom sinks. I know how scary it is to begin pruning. You need the right tools for the job, and you need courage and faith to begin making those cuts. Sometimes it seems so extreme, maybe too extreme and you want to stop. What on earth am I doing? You decide to leave a branch untouched, uncertain whether that branch will actually benefit the plant with a flower, uncertain whether that beautiful outfit you spent hundreds of dollars on will actually be something you'll want to wear this year.

If you're unclear, don't touch it. Only when you can cut with certainty and confidence should you remove the branch, or donate that dress. If there are twinges of fear, there's a reason why you're holding onto it, and it needs to have a little more exploration and thought before you make that cut.

But more forward in faith. Just as cutting back your roses encourages a burst of new blooms in the springtime, so too does clearing our your closets have a beneficial effect on your growth as a human. You can't bring in more if you have no place to put it. You can't be open to the new if you're surrounded by the old and broken, fearful that if you let it go, nothing will take it's place and there will be an empty hole. But that's the point.

You want to create the empty hole so you can be filled with new growth! Just like with roses, fruit trees and perennials, if you don't clear out old growth and cut back, you cannot create room for bigger and healthier fruits and flowers.

So take heart, have courage and faith, and pick up those pruners. Make one or two gentle cuts a day. Step back and look at your work, and as you gain confidence, move forward, knowing you're helping your spirit to grow stronger, healthier and bloom vigorously! And if it doesn't feel right, trust it and put it aside. Wait to make that cut until you understand what the message is. Your body, just like the plant, will always tell you. You just have to be patient and notice.

When you have cut away all you can, your life, just like a pruned rose bush, may look stark and bleak. But without doubt, new growth will emerge, and it will surprise you with how quickly those empty spaces fill in. 

I had a dream last night, where a dear friend and mentor who has been dead several years now came to me. She kept showing me the pain in her back and hips, and showed me how it kept her from being able to get up out of bed.

When I woke up, I wondered about that dream. Clearly she had a message for me, but I couldn't figure it out. So I just let it go, and went about my morning routine of making coffee, listening to music and writing in my journal.

I found myself writing about the feelings of fear and competition that kept coming up as I looked at the creative successes my friends were having. On the surface I was happy for them, pleased that they were having success and validation by following their hearts and creating businesses that were fulfilling and financially successful. But as I wrote, I realized there was a deeper underlying feeling that was anything but happy; I was jealous, and a still small inner voice of a child kept saying to me "what about me?"

I come from a large family, seven kids in all. We always had plenty to eat, a roof over our heads and clothes to wear, which, while not new, were still in good shape. My mom sewed much of our clothes herself, and as a stay at home mom, made sure we had hearty nourishing meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There was always plenty for everyone; I never went to bed hungry, although I remember still being worried that I wouldn't get enough.

I always had someone to play with and spent much of my childhood outside riding bikes, climbing trees, picking flowers and creating imaginary worlds to travel to. I was always drawing and writing stories and expressing myself creatively in some way.

On the surface I was fully supported, nourished and loved. As I grew into adulthood, I did many amazing things, from starting a recycling program at my high school,  to becoming a full-time cook at age 18 at a field station in the Oregon desert, to graduating with honors from college while working full-time.
 
As I sat and wrote in my journal and thought about the jealousy that was swirling around in my soul, I knew absolutely that there's enough for everyone. My friend's success doesn't mean I won't be successful. Just because she's making money doesn't mean there isn't enough for me too. I burst into tears at that thought, and realized there was a small part of myself as a little girl that needed healing.

As I think back over my childhood, I remember all the times I did something I was so proud of, waiting silently for validation and approval from my parents. Maybe I got it, and maybe I didn't; I honestly don't remember. But what I do know is that now, as an adult, there is some part of me that didn't get the validation I yearned for. In the deepest recesses of my soul, I was left with this feeling that I always had to compete for attention, for recognition and validation of my worthiness. I am still waiting patiently and quietly for recognition and validation, just as in childhood.

Children do not have the emotional development necessary to give themselves validation. They look outwards to their parents, siblings, teachers and adults they trust to get their need for love, validation and worthiness met. If they do not get what they need as children, as adults they may spend their time subconsciously trying to fulfill that need by becoming narcissistic and self-serving, or they may turn inwardly abusive, striving to create something but never succeeding and always feeling they have to do better. That their next project will be the one that gets them noticed. Where in childhood did you not get your needs met? Where in adulthood are you still subconsciously striving to get those needs fulfilled?

I realize now the dream I had was a message from Pearl to look within to where there is still a bubble of unhealed pain. I remember during one of our counseling sessions she commented that she felt like crying as she saw a picture of a little girl in my aura, sitting alone on a swing, waiting for someone to come give her a push. I didn't understand the reading at the time, but now it makes perfect sense. In my dream, where she was showing me the how the pain in her body was keeping her from getting up, she was really telling me I still need to heal my little child within so I too can get up and go! The funny thing is, I've had alot of pain in my hips and lower back, but despite all the stretching I was doing, it was still there!

Pain in our hips and lower back show that we are still holding onto some emotional unbalance or wounding, and if we are holding onto feelings of unworthiness, deep within our souls, either from childhood or later, it will settle in this part of the body.

As I thought back to myself as a little girl, I still feel so much sadness for her. I want to put my arms around her and love her and tell her how special she is, how unique. We're all unique and special and loved and if you didn't get enough validation as a child you can still give it to yourself now. Heal that little child with in. That child is you.

In this time of clearing and releasing, I'm ready to heal. Dear God and angels, help me heal my child within that still craves love, validation and worthiness. All the things I've done and created are just an outward cry for love, for recognition, for approval, for validation of my worthiness. All these feelings of competition and jealousy are just the fear of a small child not getting her needs met. I am loved. I am special. I am totally unique. I am worthy. There is plenty enough for everyone.