When I woke up, I wondered about that dream. Clearly she had a message for me, but I couldn't figure it out. So I just let it go, and went about my morning routine of making coffee, listening to music and writing in my journal.
I found myself writing about the feelings of fear and competition that kept coming up as I looked at the creative successes my friends were having. On the surface I was happy for them, pleased that they were having success and validation by following their hearts and creating businesses that were fulfilling and financially successful. But as I wrote, I realized there was a deeper underlying feeling that was anything but happy; I was jealous, and a still small inner voice of a child kept saying to me "what about me?"
I come from a large family, seven kids in all. We always had plenty to eat, a roof over our heads and clothes to wear, which, while not new, were still in good shape. My mom sewed much of our clothes herself, and as a stay at home mom, made sure we had hearty nourishing meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There was always plenty for everyone; I never went to bed hungry, although I remember still being worried that I wouldn't get enough.
I always had someone to play with and spent much of my childhood outside riding bikes, climbing trees, picking flowers and creating imaginary worlds to travel to. I was always drawing and writing stories and expressing myself creatively in some way.
On the surface I was fully supported, nourished and loved. As I grew into adulthood, I did many amazing things, from starting a recycling program at my high school, to becoming a full-time cook at age 18 at a field station in the Oregon desert, to graduating with honors from college while working full-time.
As I sat and wrote in my journal and thought about the jealousy that was swirling around in my soul, I knew absolutely that there's enough for everyone. My friend's success doesn't mean I won't be successful. Just because she's making money doesn't mean there isn't enough for me too. I burst into tears at that thought, and realized there was a small part of myself as a little girl that needed healing.
As I think back over my childhood, I remember all the times I did something I was so proud of, waiting silently for validation and approval from my parents. Maybe I got it, and maybe I didn't; I honestly don't remember. But what I do know is that now, as an adult, there is some part of me that didn't get the validation I yearned for. In the deepest recesses of my soul, I was left with this feeling that I always had to compete for attention, for recognition and validation of my worthiness. I am still waiting patiently and quietly for recognition and validation, just as in childhood.
Children do not have the emotional development necessary to give themselves validation. They look outwards to their parents, siblings, teachers and adults they trust to get their need for love, validation and worthiness met. If they do not get what they need as children, as adults they may spend their time subconsciously trying to fulfill that need by becoming narcissistic and self-serving, or they may turn inwardly abusive, striving to create something but never succeeding and always feeling they have to do better. That their next project will be the one that gets them noticed. Where in childhood did you not get your needs met? Where in adulthood are you still subconsciously striving to get those needs fulfilled?
I realize now the dream I had was a message from Pearl to look within to where there is still a bubble of unhealed pain. I remember during one of our counseling sessions she commented that she felt like crying as she saw a picture of a little girl in my aura, sitting alone on a swing, waiting for someone to come give her a push. I didn't understand the reading at the time, but now it makes perfect sense. In my dream, where she was showing me the how the pain in her body was keeping her from getting up, she was really telling me I still need to heal my little child within so I too can get up and go! The funny thing is, I've had alot of pain in my hips and lower back, but despite all the stretching I was doing, it was still there!
Pain in our hips and lower back show that we are still holding onto some emotional unbalance or wounding, and if we are holding onto feelings of unworthiness, deep within our souls, either from childhood or later, it will settle in this part of the body.
As I thought back to myself as a little girl, I still feel so much sadness for her. I want to put my arms around her and love her and tell her how special she is, how unique. We're all unique and special and loved and if you didn't get enough validation as a child you can still give it to yourself now. Heal that little child with in. That child is you.
In this time of clearing and releasing, I'm ready to heal. Dear God and angels, help me heal my child within that still craves love, validation and worthiness. All the things I've done and created are just an outward cry for love, for recognition, for approval, for validation of my worthiness. All these feelings of competition and jealousy are just the fear of a small child not getting her needs met. I am loved. I am special. I am totally unique. I am worthy. There is plenty enough for everyone.