"Star light Star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight". These words were in my head as I woke up this morning, and I immediately knew my soul was crying out for nurturing, for comfort, and for some magic and fairy dust, and the holiday season is a perfect time to give ones' self just that.

This time of year is tough, both on body and on soul. In most parts of the country, it's cold, and either snowy or damp. The sun goes down early, and today, Dec. 21, 2013, is the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice, with the sun setting in some places as early at 4:30 pm in the afternoon. When darkness comes, so too can loneliness and despair.

Ancient cultures created celebrations around this time of year specifically to bring soul-caring and warmth into this dark, sometimes painful time of year, where lack can often take center stage. Celebrations centering on light, warmth, plenty of good things to eat and to share remind people that the inner climate does not need to match the outer climate.

Giving to others is the focus of the Christmas season; buying and wrapping presents to delight those we love has become the symbol of nurturing. But it can also open the door to giving to ourselves the most precious gift of all; the gift of magic, of joy, of childish delight. And it doesn't take money to give this stuff to yourself, that's the beauty of it!

When wishing on stars seems to be the only way to comfort myself, I know it's time to give to my soul, not just my body. Of course, the body has to feel safe and comfortable, so I drag out my long johns, turtlenecks, heavy coat, thick socks, and boots that won't let the cold seep up through my feet. At night, I put on my super snuggly flannel pajamas as soon as I can.

My body is usually dictating to me what it most needs to feel good, and this usually includes some sort of carbs (which trigger a complex chemical process in the brain, resulting in the production of serotonin, thereby making the body feel good!) such as pasta and rice. Listen to your body! It's telling you what it needs to feel good, and this doesn't always mean stuff that is bad for you, like an excess of sugar. Trust your body!

How do you listen to your body? This is the other secret to soul-caring is to get quiet. Stop running around like a chicken with it's head cut off for just a few minutes, and breathe. During times of stress, which many of us associate with the holidays, our breathing becomes shallow and actually puts more stress on the body because we're not giving ourselves enough oxygen.

One of the best ways to give to yourself this holiday season is to sit in a quiet, comfortable chair, feet flat on the ground, eyes closed, and simply focus on breathing deep into your lungs, expanding them as much as possible. And then release the breath. Breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, and notice how instantly your body starts to relax. Even doing this for just a few minutes will help your body relax and feel safe. When your body relaxes, your soul automatically feels better.

Notice all the things you're forcing yourself to do: shop for gifts, make holiday treats, go to parties, clean the house, create the perfect home setting to rival Sunset Magazine...whatever it is, once you allow your body to quiet down, notice if all the activities are really is something you want to do, or something you feel you should do.

If the list of shoulds is longer than the list of wants, it's time to start letting things go. This is another secret of soul-care this holiday season; bring your life back into balance by letting go of "the shoulds".

When you do something because "you should" you create a toxic energy around that activity or gift because it doesn't come from the pure inner child-like joy of "you want to". Instead of going to that holiday party because you "should put in an appearance" go outside and walk around looking at the Christmas lights! Holiday parties can be very stressful because of the unconscious need to impress others. If going to a party fills you with joy, then by all means go.

But if you're dreading having to make small talk, know you're gonna end up drinking too much to make yourself feel comfortable, or eating too much to keep your self occupied until the moment you can leave, then this is a sign this is a "should" instead of a "want". Give yourself the gift of saying no. Doing something as simple as strolling around looking at holiday decorations can achieve the same thing thing as going to a party: enjoying the magic and sparkle that is available to all.


We forget that saying "no" is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves, not just during the holiday season, but in our everyday lives. When you focus on activities that make you happy and feed your soul, you are truly giving to yourself and others.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be successful.  The dictionary defines success as “The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted”. There is also a secondary definition, “The gaining of fame or prosperity”. This is the definition I think most people think about when asked if they are successful. By the first definition, I am extremely successful, but by the secondary definition, not so much.

Several years ago, I consciously set out to downshift my life, moving into a lower gear so as to more fully find the pleasure in living. I have been self-employed for thirteen years, creating several businesses from scratch, and then striving to make them successful in the accepted fashion; creating lots of money. But the day to day struggle was slowly killing me, robbing me of joy and simple pleasures, like going out to dinner with friends because I was always too busy working to stop and spend some of my precious time doing something that wasn’t directly related to my business.

The madness of striving but never achieving what I thought I was supposed to finally resulted in me declaring bankruptcy. At that point, I knew there had to be something more, and I consciously started a journey of self-healing and a life review, seeking to find on a spiritual level what I couldn’t find on a physical level.

As a psychic, I see now that success is so much more than the material gain and financial prosperity commonly associated with that term. Success for me is waking up with a song in my heart, with an excitement about what the day will bring me; what opportunities, what insights, what little pleasures might fall into my lap, like seeing a butterfly or a hummingbird, getting a phone call from a friend I haven’t spoken with for a while, eating a delicious sandwich for lunch, or the touch of my boyfriend’s hand on mine as we sit and watch TV at the end of a busy day.

Success means feeling happy and grateful to be in the moment, completely in present time, of this world, but not in it. To be neutral enough to watch the wonders around me and enjoy them, but not have to do anything about it, except enjoy it.

My previous life was like being in a speeding car, watching life zoom past me but never getting the chance to enjoy it. When I consciously chose to slow things down, my life became richer, fuller, and much more satisfying. I took time to enjoy playtime with loved ones and to sample the delights that being human had to offer. I was able to shift from “Living to Work” to “Working to Live”.

Doing the deep soul-searching and self-inventory of what my life had become opened a doorway for me to see that all I really wanted was to be happy and to feel safe in shining my authentic light, speaking my voice and my truth, and being loved and appreciated by those around me no matter what.

Several years now into this spiritual journey of accessing my clairvoyance to achieve this dream, I can truly say I am successful. My life is a gentle balance of discovering new things to explore and create, of enjoying being alive on the deepest level, Connectedness resonates in all my activities now, and having the time to play and laugh and savor the people and experiences that come into my life, with no rush, no worry and no fear is so satisfying, I can’t imagine it any other way now.

I may not have a huge balance in my bank account, but I have enough to meet my needs with some extra left over to share and to play with. On the deepest spiritual level, that is the definition of success for me.

When we make the commitment to change our lives for the better, often times things get worse before they get better. This is because there is so much old junk to clear out that a little turbulence may be in order to really get you to let go of it.

I have commited to finding more peace, serenity, joy and abundance in my life, but when I openeed that door, I had very little idea about what that would entail.

Through bankruptcy, the dissolution of a business, a physical move, gut-wrenching lack, and a myriad of other challenges, my life has slowly shifted to the point where I woke up this morning with my heart overflowing with gratitude at all the abundance that surrounds me at this present moment of time.

Everything is shifting, changing and moving and it feels very good, but also sometimes very scary. But I know in my heart if I just stay centered and grounded I will flow through these changes effortlessly. It feels like I'm on those moving stairs in a Harry Potter movie, where all of the sudden the staircases start moving and rearranging themselves while Harry is in the process of ascending them. Notice in the movie, he doesn't bat an eye, but stays still until the moving stops, and then continues up the stairs!

When I am in the midst of turmoil, I close my eyes and look at all the abundance surrounding me, and I am amazed at how rich my life is. I feel so blessed! I am so in love with my life now and the people in it! I am amazed at the riches that surround me: baskets full of lush ripe heirloom organic tomatoes, crisp cucumbers, peppers of all flavors and Asian eggplants, hanging heavy from the bush like little Christmas tree ornaments, emerald-green zucchinis, fresh herbs and rich golden olive oil drizzled over it all, sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper to add a little spice.

All this set within a heavenly setting of bright colorful flowers, dancing butterflies and darting hummingbirds. My little pond is filled with jewel-toned koi fish, and my sweet little puppy Dooly is right by my side, tugging at my bathrobe this morning wanting a little love and attention. The love of my life is asleep in the next room, safe and healthy.

I am so blessed by the Grace of God that surrounds me in all these instances, it makes me want to weep with gratitude as I look back at the mine-field I've walked across. Life really is a miracle and I open my arms to embrace it fully, to savor the rich textures, smells, colors and flavors all snuggled with in this moment in time.

I love my gentle morning ritual of going within, and tapping into my inner source, my voice and validating these experiences by writing them down. When I hit that inevitable turbulence, I have proof things were absolutely 100% wonderful not just a few short hours or days previously. I wrote it down right in the midst of experiencing it! It must be true since I was feeling it at the time because there it is in black and white right on the page in front of me!

When those trying times come and the worry starts to creep back in, I can read those words and know that peace and tranquility will be mine again soon enough. I simply need to sit still and find the eye of the hurricane where stillness resides, and take no action until the storm has passed. And just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I am able to stand up, dust myself off, push away the wreckage surrounding me, and step back into my sparkling clear world again, grateful I am unharmed in any way, that the fear has passed and I am safe.

When I know this is how it always works out, it is easier to be still while the hurricane is ravaging my life. A rainbow always appears after the storm.

I spent the day yesterday at Lake Comanche in Amador County, zooming around in a little vintage metal row boat with a 15 horse power motor on the back.

It was a blast!! I never realized motorized vessels could be so much fun, but there it was.

I wrestled with my internal judge: "Motor boats are bad for the environment! They're bad for the water and the fish, and they disrupt the stillness and beauty of God's creation!" And the other part of me was saying "Wow, this is so much fun! It's so exciting and invigorating, and I want to go faster and faster and feel the spray of the water on my face!"

In the end, I just let go and enjoyed myself, and pushed all those judgements and voices aside until I was able to look at them in a more neutral setting during my meditation this morning. And here's what I found: I have discovered my authentic self has some very polar opposites inherent in my being, and that to really heal myself and to be all I can be, I must embrace both extremes. Light and Dark. Shadow and Sun. Rock n' Roll and Minister.

It is neither right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what makes me uniquely me. So much of my unhappiness and pain these last few years has come from trying to please others by being what they want me to be, not fully who I am. And of course, I couldn't be what they wanted me to be unless I had some aspect of that in myself already.

For example, I've talked about how I own a record company, and I've worked in the world of independent punk rock music for the last twenty-five years. This is a very real passion for me, not some passing whim. In college, I fell in love with it to the point where I followed my heart to the crazy places it took me with little regard for finances or stability.

I've also always had a very deep reverence for the earth and her creatures, and strongly believed in "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" credo. I pick up trash when I walk along rivers and streams. I am conscious of the miracle of life, and the beauty of nature and that as humans it is our duty to love and protect these magical spaces. I've also always believed in the connectedness of nature and the Universe, and that there is more to life than what we can see with our eyes.

Now this last part of me I have kept hidden for many years. In the punk rock world, these sorts of  la-la land thoughts are frowned upon and judged as hippy-dippy and not part of "punk rock". So I've kept my beliefs to myself in order to fit in and not have people think I'm weird. Of course the truth is, I AM weird. I'm different. I'm unique. I will never be like anyone else, as much as I want to be. Only now am I realizing that that's O.K., and that that is what makes us humans so much fun to be around.

These last several years, I have gone on a very deep journey within myself to excavate the authentic me that lay hidden beneath the layers of people-pleasing and fear. I love rock n' roll. I love zooming around a lake in a motor boat. I love drag races, and the smell of the fuel and the vibration of the motors as they peel off the starting line. I love hamburgers and french fries and county fairs and the "humanness" of being around people simply enjoying themselves, no matter what they're doing.

I also love being a minister, connecting with God and The Divine and sharing the miracle of life and earth. I love the feeling of the mystical and that there is more to life than what meets the eye. I love organic gardening, and praying, and meditating, and I love teaching others the art of slowing down and looking with in to discover their own authentic passions. I love eating healthy organic produce, and clean water and being kind to others. I love listening to gentle music.

I've struggled these last few years, praying for understanding about how my rock n' roll lifestyle fits in with my spiritual lifestyle. And I finally found my answer.All this is O.K. I don't have to be just one thing or another. This is what makes me a unique spark of light; I am all these different things and passions and interests. I am bringing my authentic self into focus. I am all these things and more, bringing it all back together in to my body and my soul.

My goal is to love my life passionately and to live it fully, experiencing and tasting all aspects of it, not just what I think will be pleasing to others. I have journeyed within to release worry and fear about what others might think of me, and about what I think of me, clearing off the spaces within that have been gummed up with judgement and fear.

This journey within has been a "long and winding road", to quote Paul McCartney leading to the discovery that I really like who I am, right here, right now. Willing to see both the shadows of my being, like my impatience, and perfectionism, and where I judge myself, as well as my light aspects; like my ability to be kind, and loving and treat others with respect. Taking my skills as well as my challenges fully into the light has been the outcome of this journey so far. This is me–all of me, and I offer it out to the world as a gift and an inspiration to go on your own journey to discover and bless your authentic self.

I had very specific guidance from the angels yesterday: see the other person's point of view. I wasn't clear what that meant, and it was only upon waking this morning that I got the full picture and lesson.

There were 4 instances yesterday; two in the body and two on the astral (in my dreams).

I was very annoyed with a colleague of mine who twice blew me off. We were supposed to have a conference call, and the first time, the times got mixed up, but the second time, he said he was busy with another call and would get to me when he could. I felt "less than" and that he was a jerk and lying to me and I was composing all sorts of angry responses to him in my head as  I went about my day, determined to make sure he knew how I felt.

The second instance was with family. They were coming to dinner and I specifically asked them to bring potato salad for dinner, and when they showed up with some weird cabbage salad, I was so surprised they didn't bring more, I went into judgement and anger about it, thinking here's four of them coming to dinner and all they brought was this shitty salad. I felt used and very angry.

But this morning, I am ashamed of myself in both circumstances. Getting some distance from the emotional response was very much the guidance with me when I woke up. When I try to see it from my colleague's perspective, I see he is so busy trying to make connections for us that sometimes he loses track of time and also feels as if he's going in circles, trying to please everyone. It was not an intentional slam to trigger my feelings of low self-worth.

With the second instance with family, they have a new baby, as well as just climbing out of a really deep hole of debt and survival and for them to have brought anything as well as making the trip to come see us took monumental effort on their part.

I was an ass and I'm so sorry to have thought the judgmental thoughts I was thinking in both circumstances. I am no better and no worse than anyone, but clearly I needed to see where these feelings of low-self worth are still hiding in my psyche.

The other two instances occurred in my dreams. The first, a woman who had "stolen" my boyfriend many years ago came to me for help. She was in a new relationship and was being treated badly by friends and needed my help smoothing the situation over. I was so surprised to have dreamed of her since I hadn't thought about this woman for almost twenty years.

I had hated her then, and was so angry and judgmental and mean to her whenever I saw her. She was sexy, beautiful and exotic, and I was just this flubbery weird girl from Oregon. How could I compete with her? But in my dreams, I saw she was struggling to fit in to a new social group having just moved to the city. The truth was she was just trying to make new friends in a new city where she too felt "less than" and the attention from my boyfriend made her feel special and accepted.. I was jealous and hurt, but now, seeing things from her perspective, I was able to forgive both her and myself for the transgression.

The second instance in my dreams was a fellow in a band I had formerly worked with. I was walking through a county fair, and saw him walking towards me. The atmosphere was festive, but he was angry and glaring at me. I said hello, and he commented I sure had a lot of balls to say hi to him. I asked him why he was so angry with me, and he telepathed his response to me, so I felt it in my body and mind, rather than heard him speak.

I too had made him feel "less than" by dropping his band's contract. From his perspective, I had ruined his band's chances of becoming famous and he harbored deep blame and anger towards me because of my actions. I was again flabbergasted; I made him feel "less than"? It was never my intention to hurt him or make him feel his band wasn't special; it was a business decision based on the financial reality that his band was costing my company money, and it didn't make sense to keep putting money into the band to try and break them. I had never meant to hurt him.

I can see now how he could blame me, and I'm so sorry for making him too feel "less than."

My guides were so right; always see the other persons point of view because things are never the same for both parties. The truth always lies somewhere in the middle space between both parties.

As this awareness sunk into my consciousness, this prayer came to me: God, angels, please guide me today. Guide my voice and my actions. Please help me to be "more than" in all ways to all people, in all situations. Please forgive me as I forgive myself."

I see this pattern repeating often in my life, in many circumstances with many different people. And in order to heal myself I need to see myself as "equal to" all people. I have functioned for too long from hurt, fear, survival and pain, and that is no way to create a new life that is strong and powerful and wonderful.

I remember thinking before I fell asleep last night " Ok God, I surrender. I'm willing to try it your way today". As I write these words, I feel my root chakra, the place of survival, pulsing and clearing, and releasing stored up energy of pain and just trying to hang on.

I am willing to be the alchemist of my own life, transmuting the pain into love, into light, into abundant joy.

We've all had those days when we just want to throw up our hands and say "That's it! I quit!" When you feel so worn out and so overwhelmed that all you want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers up over your head, and snuggle down safe and sound, that is a sign that healing has begun.

I have several stuffed toys I hug to help sooth my inner child when I get to this point; I highly recommend finding a toy you love and snuggling with it when you reach this state!

Part of being on the spiritual path and reclaiming one's life from the chaos and turbulence of life as we knew it means you hit patches of growth and change, much as a baby does. Spiritual growth periods feel very much the same as physical growth periods infants go through: you get tired and cranky, you just want to sleep all the time, you need to eat a lot more, or maybe you lose your appetite all together, or you crave things that sooth you. Maybe you cry a lot or your body feels sore or nothing you put on feels good against your skin.

There are all sorts of indications you're in a growth period; it's all part of the healing process and spiritual growth! Fortunately, I've been through enough of these "growth periods" to know that when I start feeling cranky and unsettled, I'm in the process of healing and taking a big step up on my spiritual path, and it's time to be gentle and "baby" myself.

I just sold my house, as well as made some major changes in my business. My life has felt like being inside a washing machine these last couple of weeks! However, I followed my inner guidance to take these steps, knowing they were spiritually inspired as part of my healing and claiming the life of joy and balance that I'd been praying for. And it got me to thinking about what it really means to heal ones' self. Here is the definition I found on the internet:

heal  /hēl/Verb

1. (of a person or treatment) Cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again: "a healing effect on the body".
2. Become sound or healthy again.

As you surrender what is no longer working in your life, you become "sound" or "healthy again". This process NEVER stops O.K? Let me just make that perfectly clear: once you commit to healing your life, your body, and/or your soul, you have forever opened that door and it can never be closed again. Healing comes in waves, sometimes very rapidly, and sometimes very slowly, in baby steps, but it always comes as you realign your physical self with your spiritual self. But you will just keep finding more and more stuff to heal in your life and that's O.K.! It's like an onion, you get through one layer, and then there's another....

I've had clients willing to take that first step of admitting to God, Themselves and another (me) that their life is out of control and they crave peace, wellness, healing, and above all happiness.  So we start the process of spiritually and energetically looking at what got them to where they are currently in their life using psychic readings and energy healings. There is often a lot of pain both emotionally, spiritually and physically stuck in that person's space from whatever it is they experienced during their time here on earth.

I guide them through the healing process, which they are doing themselves by being willing to make changes in their lives in whatever way comes up, whether that is releasing negative beliefs about themselves, old patterns or programming, etc. But almost always, once we get into the process, the client hits some resistance and wants to stop, saying "I'm done now". This is usually when the growth periods get pretty intense.

So we stop, and again, that's O.K. But if they are truly committed to healing themselves and changing their life for the better, they will work through this growth period and start the work again at some point.

My most recent growth period had me taking sea salt baths in the middle of the day. I also found myself craving Fettuccine Alfredo (which is crazy easy to make, check out my recipe here). Instead of judging what my body and soul wanted and needed to move through this growth period, I gave myself permission to have it. This does not mean I went off the rails non-stop and binged. What it does mean is I listened to my body, deep with in, and when I had enough of what I needed, I stopped. This is about getting in harmony with your self, and really trusting that your body knows what it needs at any given point in your time here on earth as a physical being. I stretched a lot, did deep breathing and stopped working on my career and instead started weeding my garden, an activity that grounds me and really soothes my soul, and playing with my new puppy.

As we move through the summer, be aware that this is one of the best times for healing one's body and soul. Notice where you may feel overwhelmed, or over-committed, and be willing to take a step back and check in with yourself. Where do you need healing in your life? Where do you need to restore your life to wholeness, to become "sound and healthy" again?

Be willing to take a step and give your body what it craves, whether that is a nap under the trees, or a popsicle, or some time splashing around in the pool. Whatever it is, trust your body when it's telling you what it needs. Much as a little child moves through these painful growth periods, you will too, coming out the other end stronger, healthier, clearer and ready to take that next step.

It's Fourth of July, also known as Independence Day here in America. What does this mean? You hear it bandied about in all sorts of contexts, but have you ever really thought about what it means for you, personally?

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, primarily because I've been going through some massive changes in my personal and professional life, and much of it revolves around my sense of personal freedom and my right to chose for myself what the best course of action is. It really boils down to a simple, yet complex subject: Free Will.

Thirteen years ago, July 1, 2000, almost to the date today, I bought my first house. It was a cute little townhouse style condo, surrounded by towering pines and redwood trees, and wonderful kind neighbors. I had just come through a painful divorce, and was just starting my record company, Gearhead Records, and it seemed the beginning of a great new life. Everything good was opening up before me and I felt strong and powerful and so ready to experience a state of stability and creativity.

Unfortunately, that brief period of calm and excitement gave way to a turbulent painful time that would not end until yesterday, July 3 2013, when I signed the papers selling my house.

It has been a mixed period of relief, sadness, and introspection as I reviewed the last thirteen years in my mind, taking a slow final walk through my little house, trying to make sense of the sometimes incredibly painful lessons and experiences I'd endured since first claiming ownership all those years ago: the meteoric success of my record company with the record release by a band called The Hives; the expansion of my business into a full service line of clothing and accessories; the extensive music catalog created, leading to almost eighty titles; the bitter breakup and dissolution of my business partnership; the opening of my retail store and the rebuilding of my business; meeting my current romantic partner; the terrifying downward spiral of financial ruin and eventual personal bankruptcy; the subsequent years of healing and clearing and reorganizing, and now finally, saying goodbye to the last episode in the story, selling my house and clearing out all remaining debts, while starting once again to rebuild my business.

Through all this, I've had the free will to chose the paths I've taken and the experiences and people I've brought into my life. Many times they were clearly the wrong choices, but at the time seemed like the best course of action based on the information I had at hand. I always had the freedom, the choice, to say "No Thank You" and to walk away, but I didn't, instead choosing to see the decision through to the end.

The one thing I never realized before recently was that I didn't have to make these decisions alone. I always had access to prayer and spiritual guidance, and I always could have requested help from the Universe to choose the course of action that would serve my highest good.

It just never occurred to me that I could ask for Divine Assistance in shaping the course of my life and my experiences, although often through the sense of intuition (or clairsentience as it is also called) I would get little "gut feelings" about what direction I should go. As humans, we have free will to choose our experiences and live our lives as we see fit, and our angels, spirit guides, or God himself cannot intervene without our permission unless it is life-threatening and not our time to cross over.

But we ALWAYS have the right to ask for help, and must do so to open the door for Divine Assistance to guide us towards the best possible outcome. However, once we get that guidance, we have the choice,  and the freedom, to say yes or no, and take action as we see fit. But before we get help, we must ask for it.

Holy moly, if I knew then what I know now, my life would have taken an entirely different trajectory, but I must have needed to learn certain lessons, which is why only now, after going through so much pain, I'm ready to open the door on my next series of choices with a lot more knowledge and certainty in my tool kit!

I know for instance that I make very rash decisions, and that knowing this about myself, before I choose what my next step is, I must step back, get quiet and go within, seeking guidance from God or The Universe or whatever you want to call "The All" energy that surrounds all living creatures. I have learned to wait until I know all my ego is removed from the decision-making process, and that I am taking the next course of action based on the clear knowledge that it will serve the highest good.

It's easier said than done, I know, trust me! I struggle with this every day. But the lessons these last thirteen years have taught me are that I'm not patient, and I don't ever learn things the easy way, and that often I'm functioning from the reactive state of a petulant child, rather than the proactive state of wisdom and knowledge. I have the freedom to choose to be proactive instead of reactive, weighing the pros and cons and possible ramifications from my decisions before I make them.

Martina McBride sings a song called Independence Day that has always resonated very strongly with me, because the lyrics dance around the pain of domestic violence, which I myself have experienced, and the call to personal freedom, free will and choices, which I'm constantly faced with:

Let Freedom Ring Let The White Dove Sing
Let The Whole World Know That Today Is A Day Of Reckoning
Let The Weak Be Strong Let The Right Be Wrong
Roll The Stone Away Let The Guilty Pay It's Independence Day
                              -Martina McBride

On this day of Independence, I choose to celebrate my right to choose the best course of action for myself, using prayer, meditation and accessing Divine Guidance and my higher self to take the best path, knowing if I move forward in this way, ultimately, it will benefit all I come in contact with. Isn't that what freedom is?

"If I just try a little harder, I can fix this situation for everyone!" How often have you thought this? How often has this worked out for you? How often has this belief sent you spiraling down a course of action that gets further and further out of your control and ability to "fix" it?

I got yet another chance to say hello to my tendency to be an "out of control" healer when a gentleman in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's fell into my lap recently.

Through a series of complicated events, he wound up in Sacramento with no family and no place to stay, so he came to stay with us for a while.

At first it seemed easy enough; I cooked for him, made sure he took his medicine and provided a stable situation for him to live in. He kept talking about leaving, about wanting to go live on his own, but I knew it wasn't safe for him. So I kept trying different avenues to find him someplace "safe" to go. And as is the case with Alzheimer's a relatively benign situation went from zero to sixty crazy-out-of-control in seconds flat. I ended up having to call the police when I finally realized what I thought I had "under control" was clearly not!

I've been around the block a few times with these sorts of experiences, and should have recognized the warning signs when they're waving in my face, like a big red cape being flapped in front of a charging bull, but I didn't. Or I chose not to, thinking maybe this time it would all work out ok. This time, I could handle it.

What are the warning signs of being "an out of control" healer? When you find yourself spending time, energy, money, or emotion on trying to make something "better" or "o.k." for someone else. When things keep getting worse, and doors keep shutting, and yet you keep going, searching and searching for some other solution to a "problem" that isn't yours to solve in the first place. When the people who really should care and be involved aren't. And lastly, when the person you're trying to "help" clearly doesn't want your help, despite how bad the situation appears.

Having been involved with alcoholics and addicts for much of my life, I've developed the tendency towards co-dependency. We hear this term a lot, but do you know what it means? Here's Wikiepedia's definition:

"The dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. A tendency to behave in an overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's own life."

Does this sound familiar to you? It describes me to a "t"! And the most remarkable thing I've discovered is when you find yourself in this situation, it's never about the other person; it's always about you! Where are your needs not being met? We tend to do for others what we wish would be done for ourselves; get some help, some guidance, a hug, or just permission to turn it over to a higher source for healing and transmutation and let go for a while.

The axiom "healer heal thyself" is so true. Often we become healers or caretakers of others when we most need to focus on our own health and wellness. It's a signal to step back, go within, and ask your higher self "what do I need help with today?" And then give yourself permission to notice what comes up and take action, or better yet, just receive it when the help shows up!

I realized I have been "doing" for everyone around me, and ignoring my own inner need to rest, take it easy, back off from all my activities and commitments, and just give myself a much needed "time out". But again, as out of control healers, it seems selfish to ignore the needs of others, the pain or desperation or poverty or depression or illness, or whatever it is that is pulling at you. "They need me!! I have to help them" Really? This sort of thinking is really pretty arrogant when you step back and think about it.

It means you don't think that other person is capable of making decisions for themselves, or of taking care of their needs, or of making a choice that suits them at that point in time. It means that you think your way is better, and how arrogant is that?!

When we don't let those around us experience the life lessons they need to experience, we act as God, and say "You can have this, but not this." It is us choosing for another person what is right for them. Now of course there's situations where we have to behave that way, such as being a parent. Being a good parent to a child means setting boundaries, and saying no to things that may not be good for that child.

But when you get into doing this for adults, that's another matter entirely. If someone you love is choosing to take drugs or smoke or partake of behaviors that clearly don't seem to be good for them, of course, intercede and see if it is really a cry for help. But if you keep putting them in a detox center, and they keep falling off the wagon, or ending up in jail or on the streets, it's probably a signal that you need to step back and let that person experience what they're needing to experience. It is probably one of their life lessons, and by you trying to "fix it" for them, you're keeping them from the growth they came to this body to experience.

AA really has a handle on teaching those in recovery to recognize the difference here. Their whole message is about focusing on your own self-healing, and learning your own life lessons. You know the famous "Serenity Prayer":

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
                 --Reinhold Niebuhr

Really look at it, and ponder it. It is all about learning to heal yourself and to recognize those situations that trigger our "out of control healer" tendencies.

As I write this, I've given myself permission for the last three weeks to go within, and to see what needs are not being met for myself by allowing the man with Alzheimer's to come into my life. He was my mirror, reflecting back to me where I need to take care of myself. It has meant not over-committing myself to activities, giving myself permission to just take it easy without having to do anything but heal.  It has been a very difficult, but very necessary "time out" and I once again feel able to be in this world as a balanced, healthy healer, capable of helping others in a safe neutral way as I help myself.

I was talking with my good friend Helena Mazzariello, owner of Spirit In Joy, the other day, and the topic of Toxic Loyalty kept coming up.

I had never heard it termed in quite that way, but as we talked, I realized I was guilty of spreading Toxic Loyalty all over my life! And by extension, all over the lives of people I loved too!

What is it? Toxic Loyalty is very hard to spot, primarily because as a society, specifically us women, we are taught to be there for others no matter what. It's a shining star on our chest that we're a good person, that we're worthy of being liked or loved. Loyalty to our jobs, our bosses, our friends, lovers and family is a very admirable trait. However, when it becomes toxic, it is damaging both to ourselves and those we're trying to "help."

You'll know your loyalty has become toxic when you start to resent the very situation or person you're being loyal to. For me, it was scattered all over my life, in every aspect of what I do and how I behave. Feeling loyal to my business, Gearhead, and all the bands and people I worked with, I almost killed myself trying to be there for everyone, and trying to do the things they wanted me to do. I saw I used that martyr mentality as a way of proving my worthiness to those around me, and to myself, as a way of proving I was worth liking, and of being loved.

Instead of just saying no, I got myself in deeper and deeper, until I hated the people I was working with, and the projects I was spending so much time and money trying to create.

In my volunteer projects, I saw too that I was allowing toxic loyalty to dictate what I kept doing for free. Giving my time and energy away to help organizations, like one's church or school, is a valuable part of being in service to others. However, when it feels like those organizations or institutions are sucking you dry, and you no longer feel the joy of helping, it's time to step back and take a look at how you're valuing yourself and your time.

Where has unbalance set in, and where are you no longer honoring your self worth by setting boundaries? I have been feeling tremendously guilty because some gardens I was volunteering to take care of were taking so much time and energy, I was starting to resent the commitment I had made. What used to be fun for me, and give me tremendous pleasure as I transformed sick unloved property into a thing of beauty became another chore, another list of things I HAD to do because I had promised I would do it. I had given my word, and I was gonna stick to it no matter what.

I started finding excuses not to go work on the gardens because there no longer was a balance there in what I was doing. I was no longer getting back as much as I was giving out, a sure sign that my loyalty had grown toxic.

I was simply going because I had promised I would. The purpose had been served, but instead of ending my service consciously and with truth and honor, I went into hiding and avoidance of the situation, hoping it would go away, but guilt was eating away at the back of my mind.

Where is toxic loyalty affecting your life? Are you doing a job that you feel you're not being paid well enough for? There was a time that it was worth it, and you were grateful for the opportunity, but has that changed? Do you feel now you're giving more than you're getting? This is the ongoing dance of human relations and balance. When we no longer feel we're getting out of a situation as much as we're putting in, it's time to examine your motives and determine whether you need to speak up, and ask for more because you know you're worth it, or maybe it's time to end your commitment to that project or person.

Toxic loyalty can also affect our personal relationships. I had a friendship where I was constantly helping and coaching a friend who had drama after drama in her life. And I was happy to do it, because I loved her and valued her friendship and our time together. But after a few years of this, I started to feel I was getting the short end of the stick. Whenever I had a problem, she was never there for me, and I was starting to resent that. I finally said something to her; I told her I loved our friendship, but felt it was time to balance my giving with a bit more receiving from her as far as support went. I felt I was worth that, and so was our friendship.

Well, she got so angry at me, and shouted at me how dare I say she wasn't supportive. Instead of having a discussion, she became angry and abusive, and chose to end our friendship right there and then. That was the last time I ever talked to her, not by my choice, but through how my words were received. It's not my problem how she received it, and I can't change that. I don't regret being honest and saying I needed more out of the relationship. It came from a sincere place of love and grace.

When that relationship ended, I felt a deep sadness, but also a lightness in my body. I was no longer responsible for propping someone else up, simply because she was my friend. That toxic friendship ended probably much later than it should have and on a much more dramatic level than had I simply noticed the resentment building in my soul earlier and spoken up.

I chose to ignore it because we are not taught to speak up and bring attention to our worthiness, our value, of being paid well or treated fairly.

This is an ongoing lesson in my life, and clearly one I am still working on. But I am doing better about speaking up before the resentment is really bubbling. I now ask my romantic partner for help around the house, instead of seething that he doesn't notice the dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher, or the floor needs to be swept.

In my career I was able to voice that I was worth more than I was getting paid, and while that has changed in one circumstance, it's being considered in the second. I'm ok with that. I spoke up, and asked for more, because I'm worth it. And in my volunteer work, I am now stepping back and examining where I can truly give my time and energy in a way that honors my needs as well as those that I am volunteering to help.

If resentment starts to creep back in, I know I'm doing too much and undervaluing my worth by giving away too much. It's a constant balancing act, but now that I'm much more aware of my tendency towards Toxic Loyalty, it's much easier for me to step back and re-set my boundaries.

Lesson for Today: Notice where Toxic Loyalty may be affecting your life, your relationships, your career space, or your activities, and be willing to consider that maybe you're undervaluing yourself, and it's time to speak up.

This last month has brought an innumerable amount of changes into my life, including a new puppy, as well as the decision to sell my house.

Being human, resisting changes is pretty normal. Change is scary and unsettling, and by definition completely unknown. Even is something isn't working in our lives, we're used to it, and that feels safe, even if we know it isn't right. So we keep doing the same thing over and over, day in and day out, because we're too afraid to take a chance, and God forbid, experience CHANGE, and the UNKNOWN! Laugh out loud at this one my friends (LOL), we've all been here right?

The lyrics from David Bowie's Changes are so appropriate when we hit this place: we know we need to change, but are in resistance to it:

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

We long for something better in our lives: more money, more peace, greater happiness and serenity, deeper connections, passionate love.... but until you turn inside to face yourself, you will never have what you're looking for. Our normal reaction is to reach for something on the surface to fill the need for something better and more satisfying in our lives: we eat to stuff down these feelings, or we go shopping, or we pick a fight, or we sit and watch T.V., or drink, or take drugs, or whatever....the list is endless of the things we do to keep from looking within to see what our Spirit is suggesting we do to change our lives for the better.

For me, it has been running around like a crazy person this whole last month, scheduling activities and meetings and projects back to back, creating a wall of non-stop action to keep from looking with in. What is it I was avoiding, and was in resistance too? Fear of taking the next step on my path of healing. I finally was too pooped to party any more, and my body was giving me clues that if I didn't stop and do some soul-searching, it would make me take a break by getting sick.

So I stopped everything except listening within to see what I needed, and what changes I was ready to embrace. One of those was opening my heart again to a small little furry puppy named Dooly. I have held so much grief around the passing of the last animal in my life, I was not able to open my heart again. I didn't want to be hurt that way again. But what I had forgotten was the immense amount of joy a little animal can bring into one's life, and the laughter! I have been forced to start playing again in totally silly ways, entertaining this little guy because that's what he wants to do. And it's been fun!! Yes, it's been alot of work too, and I'm a little sleep deprived, but mostly, I've just been having fun with no attachment to outcome.

That's the other insight that came to me as I took a step back: releasing my attachment to the outcome. We never know how things are going to work out when we open the door to allow changes into our lives, but that's where faith comes in. Releasing your attachment to how you expect things to work out opens the door for miracles and our highest good to flow into our lives. I'm not God, and I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I'm willing to move forward in faith that it's all gonna turn out O.K. Probably not at all the way I expected it to, but as I release my attachment to the outcome it doesn't matter. What I know is that I have faith it's going to turn out exactly as it's supposed to in order to allow me to keep moving forward, experiencing changes, new lessons, new insights, growth and healing. And ultimately, a lot more joy, which is what I pray for on a daily basis.

Where are you resisting change in your own life? Where are you holding onto an attachment to the outcome of a project or decision? Today, practice letting go of that attachment to how you'd like things to turn out, and trust it will all work out for your highest good. Open your heart, and maybe something wonderful, like a small furry puppy, will come into your life.