I had a pork roast in the crock-pot, and a pot of rice on the stove and I gave myself permission to eat as much as I wanted, no measuring, no limits. I ate that delicious, soul-nourishing food that brought comfort to my body until I felt satisfied.
I then gave myself permission to sit in a hot sea-salt bath with lavender oil for a whole hour, just sipping a glass of wine, lights out and a bunch of tea-light candles surrounding the tub.... just sinking into the hot water, allowing myself to say hello to my body and soul, checking in.
I was feeling so overwhelmed and I had been judging myself all day for not getting more accomplished. After all, I worked at home! I should have been able to get through my entire list of things I needed to do for my business. And yet, I just couldn't get engaged. I felt like I was wandering in circles. So I just gave up, knowing it was a sign I needed to do some self-care and pampering.
While I was in the tub, a deep sadness came over me, and I recognized it as a sign there was some grief buried deep in my soul that I needed to release. I wanted to cry, to let it all out, to bring it to the surface, but the tears wouldn't come. I knew that meant there was a hurt buried deeply that I wasn't yet ready to release.
I didn't force it, I just said hello to it, asking it to come to the surface when it was time for me to release it. I got out of that delicious warm bath, and slathered my body with a rich home-made lotion I had made earlier in the week of organic olive oil, coconut oil, shea butter and cocoa butter. It felt so good to my parched skin. I put my favorite jammies on, loving the feel of the soft pink flannel on my skin. I felt soothed, safe, nourished and loved.
I turned the TV on and one of my favorite movies, The Mirror Has Two Faces, was on. I sat down to watch it, and even gave myself permission to have a bowl of ice cream as I watched. It's the story of a bright, intelligent woman, a 50-something college professor named Rose who lives with her mother, always feeling overshadowed by her beautiful sister and glamorous mom. She longs for a deep passionate love affair, but feels so ugly and unworthy of love that she pushes all chance of romance out of her life and comforts herself with baggy clothes and Hostess Snowballs.
Her sister takes it upon herself to "fix" Rose's life and answers an ad from another college professor, Gregory, who is looking for female companionship. Rose and Gregory hit it off and have a wonderful time together. When Gregory proposes, saying he wants to marry Rose, but only because he feels no attraction to her and their relationship won't be complicated by sex, she agrees, feeling its the best she could hope for.
When she starts to fall in love and her romantic overtures are rejected by Gregory, she is crushed, and returns home to her mom, who is derisive, saying "What did you expect?" Rose, totally destroyed, asks her mom "What does it feel like to be beautiful, to be admired and wanted by so many men?" and her mom admits how great it is.
At that point, all that sadness that was lurking in my body rose to the surface and I burst into tears as I recognized myself in Rose. I know what it feels like to feel unworthy. Unworthy of love, unworthy of admiration, unworthy of being happy, unworthy of shining above the crowd. All my life, I've waited patiently to be recognized, praised, admired for all the amazing things I've done. Waiting for someone I love, a parent, a friend, a lover, to say "Wow, great job!" I was taught never to shine, to praise myself and brag about my own accomplishments. It was shameful to validate myself. That lesson has stayed with me for over 40 years. And as I cried along with Rose in the movie, I realized I deserve to validate myself and own all the amazing things I've done in my life. I am worthy of recognition, of love, of passion, of being singled out and validated for the amazing stuff I've done.But I need to give myself that validation, because the longer I wait for someone else to see it, the more unworthy I'll feel.
That buried pain, that grief, that sadness in the pit of my stomach bubbled up and I cried until I felt that unworthiness release it's grip on me. It's ok that my parents weren't able to validate me. Its ok that all the men I tried to turn myself inside out for didn't want me. I had to learn this lesson for myself, to find my own validation, my own worthiness, just for myself. I'm good enough for me!
This will probably continue to come up for me in the next few weeks as I seek to heal myself and own my own worthiness, but I made some amazing progress yesterday, just letting those feelings come to the surface and be in my consciousness. It's scary to let these sorts of feelings to the surface, but as you give yourself permission to feel pain and hurt and sadness, it's a way of healing yourself, and taking a step on your path of owning your life and shining your light, just for you. Of validating yourself, not waiting for someone to do it for you.